Letters To My International Man of Mystery.: 2014

I am not sure of the title of this particular blog entry. But I think its true. I had fallen in love. Unfortunately it was one sided. I had no idea what to do with what I was feeling. But some friends both new and old have given me some, advice. The old friends gave me advice knowing me. The new ones, gave me advice based on what they saw of me in the first hour and half of meeting me.

Sum up... yes that's what I will endeavor to do.

The ones who know me:

Don't waste your time. I know you loved him but Emmy, you are worth so much more.

You are so beautiful, you are loyal and loving, there are thousands of men just in this area who would appreciate more than him who you are and what you offer.

We are gonna take you out this weekend and show you how many heads you turn.

I just don't feel like head turning material.

"well that's the problem you are. This weekend we will prove that to you"

Well, let me say, I dunno how to proceed. I was in love. A Beautiful mind. I also see beyond that. I see thru the insecurities he displays and want to show him how amazing he is. Why can't I?

I can only tell you what I can gather by the input i am given. The women he chases after are the opposite of me, Thin, young. tight and perfect physically. I am 39 not tight and I am not beautiful. At least as far as he has seen. All he knows is a broken sick and falling apart woman who has lost a toe and was suffering from the devastating effects of a divorce from yet another man who did not realize what he had.

True
loyal
loving
woman with a big heart.

A Woman who would love and care and treat him like a king. Tonight I learned he is Choosing to search for something that will fade with time. I learned I am a unique and powerful creature. I learned more than I ever have. It is his loss. There is not a woman alive who will accept and love and adore him for ever perfect facet. Every shameful flaw like I have.

I have also decided people will see a different side. I will no longer hide the woman I am out of fear of loosing someone.. Why? Because I no longer care I am finally good with or without. I am too old, to smart, to beautiful in my own way to give a fuck.

I loved you, but not more than I love myself.
I adored you.
But not more than I adore who I am and what I am becoming.
Your loss my dear friend.

While he continues to chase his rainbows I have learned I am a commodity. I AM that rare creature that comes along once in a while. I may not be as visually pleasing as all these fucken gold digging over demanding and completely self centered bitches that he chases. But I am real, I am loyal, and I am true. I am loving, I am not demanding and I am for sure a woman who into the golden years will support and adore my man. If you are expecting at our age to find this in anything other than people of our age, then you are a moron.

I understand a male mind. I know the need for variation I expect nothing but respect and... understanding. I will give to my man with everything I am. if the fact that my body is less than perfect is something that is a problem. Then you do not deserve me, you do not deserve a woman who will love you like I do. I no longer care. If you cannot accept my imperfection as I do yours. Fuck off. Deal with the heartache of these superficial cunts you chase.

I will always be your friend.

Check yourself, however, I am growing, I am changing. I am getting stronger, healthier, thinner, more pleasing. Once I have published found my feet after the devastating effects of the last year. I am no different, same person. I am simply exactly as I have stated, I am thinner, independent and solid. I am still the same person.

I need to talk more about how i feel about this person right now. He knows who he is. Tho weather he cares at all is on him. I don't give a fuck anymore on that level. I learned as of late I am fucken Desirable. I am woman with a capital W. I have been a fool to let how he acts decide my femininity, My desirability..

The truth is, I have challenged his masculinity. But in a non direct way.

New rules
new boundaries.

I am not sure what of me anyone deserves. I am trying to decide that. So far i think no one deserves anything of me but friendship.

Do you think the morning we played and I simply gave to you was only about you. It was I could not give myself to you. You got head, yes, but you got it because well, you were in need of it. I did not let you in because I could not find it in myself to let you have any thing else. How is that for a fucken bit of truth. As much as I loved you. That morning was the first time I did not feel you deserved anything more than a fucken release. I didn't have it in me to even give myself release at your hand. My Orgasim was not for you. It was part of the problem with me that day, i was changing as far as you were concerned.

I adore him i do. But all I have gotten was uncertanty in that aspect. Why? Because that is all he has in his own mind in that regard, Uncertainty. His dick wants one thing. When life demands another for true and real happiness. I hope you can sate that hunger. I truly do. If I have been honest about anything it's that I want you happy.

with or without me involved.

But I am one of, as a mutual friend says, the unlucky few. Why? Less than perfect. Less than perfect as far as the main stream norm is concerned.

Fucken wake up. You find someone who is willing to walk the dark and light paths with you, best to hold on tight, its a rare treat.

Keep Chasing your rainbows
keep collecting your stones and missing the diamonds.
keep thinking with that second brain
keep hopping the fences for the "greener grass"

Kintsugi was right you will continue to collect those stones and over looking the gems in your bag because you can never be satisfied, It has nothing to do with the women around you, the women you chase, love and grow bored of.

It's in you, and the little boy you refuse to let tell his story.

You will one day. look back at all the woman who adored you, and you will hate yourself. For all of the good loyal and kind woman you broke. Yer hand wrapped around you wrinkled nonoperational dick and long for women like me, Kitsungi, Ming, and CottenCandy.

In that moment, I hope you remember all the love they gave you, all the support they offered. All of themselves they revealed to you, and yer cock shrinks in your hand. Because they will all be with men who appreciate them. Men who sees the worth in a real woman. Men who see how loyal, loving and true they are.. How good a woman they are. And those women, they were and quite possibly still love you, tho repressed now to make their daily life more easy to bear. So they could fall for someone who truly appreciated a true and real woman.

Each and every heart you touch will be forever altered by you. Mine is, it is forever different because of you.

I have finnaly stopped loving you.. I care, but I feel for every woman who finds herself in this position. Having to put you in this place I have found for you. Before you assume its a overly nice place. And before I slip you into it.

I loved you
I love you
I hate myself for my human heart because of you.
I forgive myself.
I hope any woman who does fall for you
can find this forgiveness.
without it,
I would be lost.

May the woman who does find herself in your heart singularly realize how lucky she is.
how perfecrt she must be,

Flawless.
after all. That is what yer lookin for,
arrogant fuck
as flawed as you are.
I loved each and every one of them.

Always a place in my heart
His Royal Rascalness
<3 And i half hate myself for it
)O(
Lilith

Letters To My International Man of Mystery.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Cont'

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Final Note to my International Man of Mystery