Cont'

I am getting Emails asking why I am not writing anymore.  I AM!  New blog new life, new direction Please see

Ramblin' Rose at ;
http://rambleonrose1974.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2013-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2014-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=25


Lots has happened!
Stay connected my Friends!
)O(
Lilith

Final Note to my International Man of Mystery

 

I am not sure of the title of this particular blog entry.  But I think its true.  I had fallen in love.  Unfortunately it was one sided.    I had no idea what to do with what I was feeling.  But some friends  both new and old have given me some,  advice.  The old friends gave me advice knowing me.  The new ones,  gave me advice based on what they saw of me in the first hour and half of meeting me.

  Sum up...  yes that's what I will endeavor to do.

The ones who know me:

  Don't waste your time.   I know you loved him but Emmy,  you are worth so much more.

  You are so beautiful,  you are loyal and loving,  there are thousands of men just in this area who would appreciate more than him who you are and what you offer.

  We are gonna take you out this weekend and show you how many heads you turn.



I just don't feel like head turning material.

"well that's the problem you are.   This weekend we will prove that to you"


Well,  let me say,  I dunno how to proceed.  I was in love.    A Beautiful mind.   I also see beyond that.  I see thru the insecurities he displays and want to show him how amazing he is.   Why can't I?

I can only tell you what I can gather by the input i am given.   The women he chases after are the opposite of me,  Thin,  young.  tight and perfect physically.  I am 39 not tight and I am not beautiful.  At least as far as he has seen.  All he knows is a broken sick and falling apart woman who has lost a toe and was suffering from the devastating effects of a divorce from yet another man who did not realize what he had.

True
loyal
loving
woman with a big heart.


A Woman who would love and care and treat him like a king.   Tonight I learned he is Choosing to search for something that will fade with time.  I learned I am a unique and powerful creature.  I learned more than I ever have.  It is his loss.   There is not a woman alive who will accept and love and adore him for ever perfect facet.  Every shameful flaw like I have.

I have also decided people will see a different side.  I will no longer hide the woman I am out of fear of loosing someone..  Why?  Because I no longer care I am finally good with or without.  I am too old,  to smart,  to beautiful in my own way to give a fuck.

I loved you,  but not more than I love myself.  
I adored you.
But not more than I adore who I am and what I am becoming.
Your loss my dear friend.


While he continues to chase his rainbows I have learned I am a commodity.  I AM that rare creature that comes along once in a while.  I may not be as visually pleasing as all these fucken gold digging over demanding and completely self centered bitches that he chases.   But I am real,  I am loyal,  and I am true.  I am loving, I am not demanding and I am for sure a woman who into the golden years will support and adore my man.   If you are expecting at our age to find this in anything other than people of our age, then you are a moron.

I understand a male mind.  I know the need for variation  I expect nothing but respect and...  understanding.  I will give to my man with everything I am.  if the fact that my body is less than perfect is something that is a problem.  Then you do not deserve me,  you do not deserve a woman who will love you like I do.   I no longer care.  If you cannot accept my imperfection as I do yours.  Fuck off.  Deal with the heartache of these superficial cunts you chase.

I will always be your friend.

Check yourself,  however,  I am growing,  I am changing.  I am getting stronger,  healthier,  thinner,  more pleasing.   Once I have published found my feet after the devastating effects of the last year.  I am no different, same person.   I am simply exactly as I have stated,  I am thinner,  independent and solid.   I am still the same person.


I need to talk more about how i feel about this person right now.   He knows who he is.  Tho weather he cares at all is on him.     I don't give a fuck anymore on that level.  I learned as of late I am fucken Desirable.  I am woman with a capital  W.   I have been a fool to let how he acts decide my femininity,   My desirability..


The truth is,  I have challenged his masculinity.  But in a non direct way.

New rules
new boundaries.


I am not sure what of me anyone deserves.  I am trying to decide that.  So far i think no one deserves anything of me but friendship.

Do you think the morning we played and I simply gave to you was only about you.  It was I could not give myself to you.  You got head,  yes,  but you got it because well,  you were in need of it.  I did not let you in because I could not find it in myself to let you have any thing else.   How is that for a fucken bit of truth.   As much as I loved you.  That morning was the first time I did not feel you deserved anything more than a fucken release.   I didn't have it in me to even give myself release at your hand.  My Orgasim was not for you.   It was part of the problem with me that day,  i was changing as far as you were concerned.

I adore him  i do.  But all I have gotten was uncertanty in that aspect.   Why?  Because that is all he has in his own mind in that regard,  Uncertainty.  His dick wants one thing.  When life demands another for true and real happiness.   I hope you can sate that hunger.   I truly do.  If I have been honest about anything it's that I want you happy.

with or without me involved.

But I am one of,  as a mutual friend says,  the unlucky few.   Why?  Less than perfect.  Less than perfect as far as the main stream norm is concerned.

Fucken wake up.  You find someone who is willing to walk the dark and light paths with you,  best to hold on tight,  its a rare treat.

Keep Chasing your rainbows
keep collecting your stones and missing the diamonds.
keep thinking with that second brain
keep hopping the fences for the "greener grass"

Kintsugi was right you will continue to collect those stones and over looking the gems in your bag because you can never be satisfied,   It has nothing to do with the women around you,  the women you chase,  love and grow bored of.

It's in you, and the little boy you refuse to let tell his story.

You will one day.  look back at all the woman who adored you,  and you will hate yourself.  For all of the good loyal and kind woman you broke.   Yer hand wrapped around you wrinkled nonoperational dick and long for women like me,   Kitsungi,   Ming, and CottenCandy.

In that moment,  I hope you remember all the love they gave you,  all the support they offered.   All of themselves they revealed to you, and yer cock shrinks in your hand.  Because they will all be with men who appreciate them.   Men who sees the worth in a real woman.   Men who see how loyal,  loving and true they are..   How good a woman they are.  And those women,  they were and quite possibly still  love  you,  tho repressed now to make their daily life more easy to bear.  So they could fall for someone who truly appreciated a true and real woman.

Each and every heart you touch will be forever altered by you.  Mine is,  it is forever different because of you.


I have finnaly stopped loving you..   I care, but I feel for every woman who finds herself in this position.   Having to put you in this place I have found for you.   Before you assume its a overly nice place.   And before I slip you into it.

I loved you
I love you
I hate myself for my human heart because of you.
I forgive myself.
I hope any woman who does fall for you
can find this forgiveness.
without it,
I would be lost.

May the woman who does find herself in your heart singularly realize how lucky she is.
how perfecrt she must be,

Flawless.
after all.  That is what yer lookin for,
arrogant fuck
as flawed as you are.
I loved each and every one of them.

Always a place in my heart
His Royal Rascalness
<3 And i half hate myself for it
)O(
Lilith

Letter 35 - The Final Entry: Pure uncut truth - Drug of choice.

  This will be my final entry.  There may be one more but that depends on some things.  Ironically me, and no one else.

As it should be.

  One thing I have always said is that I will never speak anything but truth.  I will bear it to you.  Even if it means I will not speak because *I* cannot bear the truth myself.   Recently the truth has put me in a place where I believe I will have to swallow yet another jagged pill.   I put out who I am,  I offer what I do,  if people like it they take it if they do not.  Well,  they weren't meant for me nor I for them.

 The Arrogance I have encountered due to this blog has been Unreal.
Thanks,  but no thanks.

  I realized recently I wanted nothing to do with the dating world,  that I wanted to get myself on my feet and enjoy the friends I have.  So I gave it up.

  I hope you all,  Everyone who Might have read this blog  enjoyed  it as it was.  This will more than likely be the last entry as I am tired of the drama it has caused in MY life.  Really that is all I am concerned with anymore.  Keeping mine drama free,  serine and simple.   I, very soon,  may be starting a Training course that will be keeping me busy from 6 am till 7 Pm for 6 weeks, between travel and the actual course.   The time I have beyond that must be peaceful,  it must be calm,  it must be restful.    Between now and the time I do start it,  I have to regain my strength.  emotional,  physical and mental.  The job I stand to get will be an amazing blessing.   Lately, this blog,  has been only a drain.   So I am putting a cap on it.  For now?  Maybe,  but its a must.

  So  good Morning,  Good afternoon,  Good evening,   No matter where you are in the world! Thank you for joining me on this lil adventure.

Keep it simple
Keep it real
Let love in
Don't stress the small stuff.

Always walk in light and love,
Blessed Be.
Emmy Lou Marie
)O(

Update:

My Birthday was great,  still no actual party but really,  I dunno if it matters either way.

I got a couple very good and cleansing days with HisRoyalRascalness.  Everything I wanted and even a bit more.  Balloons,  and pictures.  Hes never taken pics of me.  He did this time,  with a idea I had sparked by the kid in me.  Which very much was out for a while that weekend.  I had always secretly wanted him to WANT to take pics of me.

Yes I was a bit more normal than,  usual hey? 
Acceptance is amazing,  so is being able to let go of things.

Thank you my friend.  Means the world to me.  I will always be here,  as always,  arms open.  Ear turned.  Unconditionally,  no demands, no expectations.
I love you
and always will.


Con't:
http://rambleonrose1974.blogspot.com/

Letter 34 - A mess of perfectly beautiful chaos.

  Positive mind set is one hell of a way to live.   Keeping it positive.  Now,  sometimes even when you keep a positive mindset.  Speak positive words people do not know that you are doing this.

  I have been defended by you
supported by you
  cared for by you
loved by you
  corrected by you
fed truthful understanding by you
  consistently caressed and motivated to create by you.


Why you are so beautiful,

Persistent
 Honest
Truth

Artistic
 talented
organized

Tortured
 Chaotic
Beauty

Even in your faults you are wonderful.
 You are my muse.
A muse inspires creativity
  LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
The mess of a blog you have created
 through me.

34 letters,

More to come.
you are an amazing muse.

I see you are a mess of beautiful chaos
 It radiates in your eyes,
it spills out into my vision and onto paper
 burning words and images
like the emotions you burn on my heart.

you are perfect as you are
 who you are
the tortered soul
 the empty vessel
the flowing stream
 the cascading water fall.

you are beautiful in your confusion
 radiant in your searching
glowing as a man
 compelling as the little boy
One so want to caress.

  Beyond what is broken
is a soul of pure light
  shining through the cracks
casting a light on me
  just enough to intrigue.
just enough to cause curiosity
  just enough.

Perfectly flawed
 perfectly human
perfectly written story
 still being written
Let me be your pen,
 let me be your paper.

Just do not fear the dark
 my mirror,
my friend.
 for in the dark is where
the light shines the brightest.

Emmy Lou Marie

Letter 33 - Heart on Sleeve. Internal made external.

   One of my earlier letters, number 2 I believe,  I spoke of when I took a couple days and I went to see HisRoyalRascalness for his birthday.  I went out on a limb, someone I knew very little about.  He was playing the "Well I dunno if I really want company,  kinda in a bad place,  but maybe it is just self sabotage,  here is my apartment number and gate code,  just in case you need it"  game.

Buckle up buttercup, here comes some more truth.

  So I went,  called off work for a day or two and spent it with him on his birthday,  knowing I myself could not handle being alone on my Birthday.  My birthday's had been so sad, for so long.  My last birthday had been spent living with my soon to be Ex Husband as we settled my divorce and I got ready to move to Florida where I met HisRoyalRascalness.  It was a wonderful couple days.  We, with some chemical aids,  enjoyed each other in many ways.  Sexually,  intellectually, and emotionally.   I didn't know him really,  only a bit.  But, I seemed to trust him a lil quickly.

  I still do.

  I think,  he still takes me for so many of these other women who he talks to.  I am sure some are like me too.  Kintsugi,  I think is similar to me in this way.  How so?  Well,  I don't Bull shit anyone.  When I say something I mean it.    I think she is more intelligent and can pick up on who, what, and how he really is.  I also think she can revel in it.

I just hope you can avoid slamming in a fatal wedge.

  All I want for my birthday is for a space of time to be all about of me.   2 evenings, all about me.  Is that so much to ask for?   I want to be read to,  Cuddled,  talk,  cook a meal,  take a walk,  watch dumb TV,  sleep wrapped in someones arms I think respects me on some level.  I hope he does.  Phones away,  world paused.  I do not want to feel pressure to fuck.  I am so far gone from sexuality right now.  I don't even feel the desire.

I think you think I am fibbing when I say this.   My Dear Mirror and friend,  next time I fuck it will be someone who will fuck, wants to fuck,  and has fucked only me..  Get it?

  So I put this to HisRoyalRascaless,   Yes,  I asked for a return on his B day Gift.  With one strong difference.  No pressure for sex.  HE made the offer of a Friday,  I asked for a Friday and Sat,  in his home,  one place I have felt most at peace.  So beautiful and serene.   I have asked him to read from his favorite book to me.  I want to write while there,  work on some things of my own.  I am asking him to throw back out into the universe what he asks of his muses for me,  on my birthday.  Only,  I don't need to fuck.  Ironically,  I am not attracted to him in this way anymore.

Let me elaborate.

 I told your Ex Wife while we were talking a few weeks ago that I wasn't attracted to you sexually anymore.  The truth was I was starting to become less attracted.  I didn't exactly know why.  Was sad for me to feel that waning.  Now,  as I sit here,  realizing my whole view on you has changed, its actually more comfy for me.  I like it more.  It gives me the ability to,  enjoy the cuddles and not feel,  frustrated when you leave.  A true Boy best friend.  As far as my Birthday wish,  what it is I want from the time?

A Cleansing of my feelings
A Release of my anger 
A Expression of reality
An Understanding of your mind
An Expression of mine.
An Ending to a era
A Beginning to a new friendship
An Emptying of a glass
A Filling of a new one.


During this weekend to come I will express more to him what I am thinking.  Cruelty,  I feel some of the expressions will be very cruel.  But I have received some of that from him as well.

One good turn?

  I do however believe the cruelty will fertilize a nice new friendship.   Put shit in its place and make things better in the aftermath.  Mostly in my mind.   Maybe a bit of a,  snap to reality for us both.

  In the end and so far I have learned my own worth in all of this.  I have learned he will always be my International Man of Mystery.  Coming and going,  Bringing smiles and a shit storm of pleasant WTF.   The sad thing is.  My heart breaks for him now,  not me.  He will ever be chasing the wind.   Hopping fences for the grass that seems greener on the other side.   Instead of watering the grass he is Mowing over and letting grow brown.   I will remain always his friend.  Welcoming him for dinner,  convo,  and snuggles.  I smile so wide right now.   I dunno why,  I just do.  Peace, feeling a great deal of it.

The Friend,
The asshole
The playboy
The Toyboy
The never content lil naive country boy?  (Bullshit)

The craziest fucker I have ever had the pleasure of meeting

Yes,  Immutable.

)O(

Letter 32 - Amend, but do not bend.

  OK look,   I know this should be like letter "1."  But here we go anyway.  When I started this blog I said to everyone involved,  at the time it was Tracy, Tayana, and HisRoyalRascalness.  I had been writing in my journal every day for a while before I started putting it here on this blog.  I said I was going to hold nothing back.  I was assured by the a fore mentioned people.  That it was fine,  and the only people who had no issues with me using their actual names were My best friend and her girlfriend.  So all others I found suitable names.  My InternationalManOfMystery became my ToyBoy,  But when I realized he was a lil more than a toy and less than a boyfriend,  he became HisRoyalRascaleness.    Enter BlueShirt, TheShocker, WeddingDress, MusicMan, ItalianStallion, KnightInShiningArmor, And We will give Jonny the Name,  SouthernBoy.

 Last night HisRoyalRascalness came over and we had a long talk.  My last blog hit a nerve with Kintsugi, and rightly so.  Now here is where I am at a "Crisis of Conscience"

I sit here shaking my head,  just utterly still a lil unsure how to do this.  Other than purely as I have the rest of this blog.   The life you have chosen has done this.  The way you chose to get your "Inspiration" has.  Complication breeds this kind of insanity.  I say this realizing I am the proverbial fat that which could be cut off to loose some complication and it hurts me.  It is the same as how my true and honest belief in survival of the fittest, means I am the one who would be cast aside because I am too slow,  sick,  feeble and hurt to be of any use to the whole of the pack.  Even slowing it down at times. 

   I will not change my writing once it is down.  If you have a problem with something I have written barring the already laid our requests on Names faces and any identifying features in pictures...  Let me know and I will "Amend" it in the next entry otherwise: 

  Suck it up buttercup.  This is my story and I am putting it the fuck out there.  Capiche??

 As far as the names I use for the people I meet?  I do this for many reasons.

1.  Anonymity

   I really don't care how the next proclamation comes off to people.  It is truth, so fuck you.

  My life,  for some odd reason,  tends to be full of some seriously odd, fantastical, and truly larger than life experience.   I dunno why?  Some would say  "You do it to yourself"   Well yeah,  I will totally accept that.  YES!  I accept it with a bitter sweet and cheeky grin because there is some damn good shit in there too.  As fucked up and sad as the downs are in my life.  The highs are so splendid and awe inspiring.  Yeah,  I will keep on doing it,  as I always have,  learning from my mistakes.   So the people I meet in this life I lead,  I will always give them  a creative name.  Something that describes them as I see them.

  In Letter 31 - Compartmentalization and Metal pants.  Check! I was talking about a experience I had on Friday that left me in a physical and emotional shit storm.   I melted into myself,  and did not bother the people around me or in my life with it at all and tried to self sooth and move myself past the exp.  Hoping, in some way,  someone would ask if I needed anything.  When I finally gave up and was going to take a lil bit extra for sleep.   I laid in bed to do so and someone finally did.  In that moment I felt a great deal of anger.   When I write this blog,  i do the best I can to put forth not just what is going on around me,  but also inside me.   I ask everyone,  when they do read, whether they realize they are a character in this story, or not.  To try to read it as such.  A story,  and see my place in it.

 At this moment when My Phone rang in this letter,  I was angry,  I had not slept in almost 30 hours,  one piece of pizza,  I had been hurt in a sexual way,  and the 2 weeks before had my friends had simply disappeared.   Dark,  alone,  lost.  So when I spoke about this time it was what was happening in my head,  in a bad and angry time.  NOT what was going on in reality.  IE:  HisRoyalRascalness was NOT paying for a hooker For Fuck Sake.

He was spending the weekend with someone who,  like me in the past,  had done that sort of work.  I needed to clear this up for a couple reasons.  The Ex wife,  and for Kintsugi.  His RoyalRascalness does not have to pay for sex,  he can talk the pants of a statue....

Always a rascal

Note to Kintsugi:

  I hope you are not one to see only the negative in something you read or are told about you or someone else.   Calm a bit and re-read.   As far as HisRoyalRascalness.  He did what he did for you because in your beauty you motivated him to get shit done.  As a muse for him he started/finished projects he has not could not or did not for some time.  Good girl.  I envy you.  I do not have this ability.

I am not beautiful enough/in the right way.
It used to break my heart,
It still does,  But not for me anymore,
if ya know what I mean.
if ya don't.
you will if ya stick around.

LET THE WEDGES SINK IN
Love him and accept him for what he is.
Pure Rascal
Pure Playboy
Pure Tempest
Pure ToyBoy
Pure Tiger
(See Chinese Zodiac actually quite funny even if ya think its HOOEY)
)O(

So yes I use the cute lil names to protect people who I am around.  Also because its fucken adorable!

  I do not know how much I will be blogging When I think I wont I tend to a lot..  When I hope to I go days without it.  My life is just kinda fucked at the moment but,  I have some hope. I will,  must, can make it happen.

   My Birthday is coming up and I have no real hope for it.  Growing up a Jehovah's Witness,  you are kinda trained from day one its nothing big.   And there has not been one Birthday to date that was ever really just as it seemed to be for others "All about me"  I dunno,  is that really how it should be?   Is it terrible that is my wish?  Just once.  I will say,  this is one instance I believe.  I do deserve that.  I might even say I am,  even,  almost,  maybe bordering on.  Entitled to it.

*Sticks out her tongue*  Hows that for not so thinly veiled you Wascaly Wabbit?

  This is a pivotal moment for me and my future.   The next 4 weeks are a scary time.  I am pushing my self thru this the best I can and I will fucken challenge anyone to tell me I am doing a bad job.  It's been unreal.    I will not give up however,  I will not back down,  On myself,  on my friends,

or on you,  so don't give up on me.

Always walk in Light and love
Blessed Be!
)O(

Letter 31 - Compartmentalization and Metal pants. Check!

  What is it you get from it?  Is it a ego stroke?   Must be?  Teasing me to the point of frustration then pulling away in the end.  Leaving me laying there,  wanting,  frustrated.  Do you walk away
with the knowledge you can do that to me and I will let you over and over.   Then go off and fuck
the others,  or whoever else,  tell me about it and I still let you in.  Does it make you feel
something I don't understand?  That I will take those knocks over and over?  Is it a game?  One I am still learning to play? One I haven't gotten the rules down to just yet?

  Ah it don't matter,  Pro's and con's,  good and bad.   Life right now is making it hard for me to really weigh them.  I am trying very hard to search for the good in this mess.  Sometimes I can't see it.  Sometimes the dirt in my eyes gets in the way and my hands are so full of the debris I am trying to move that I can't wipe it away.  That's when I need my friends to help out.  They always seem to,  just when it is needed.  Not always how I would like them to.  Or when it is convenient.  But they do.

  Another tough letter,  filled with that bitter sweet and the realizations that kinda stick a knife in yer ribs but then nurse the wound too.  I said in a earlier letter,  under duress and in a angry bitch kinda way I was done with the whole dating thing.  But even with clearer eyes and a calmer spirit today I say it again.

Done,  I got the friends I got and until I find my staircase to "Heaven"  or my future again,  I just don't even have a desire to pursue anything in that area.

I am tired and weary,  so much off kilter.  Friday was a reminder.  It was also a test in what I was feeling as a human,  emotionally, and sexually.  Was a good night on a whole.  I had started talking to a neighbor about 6 weeks ago.  Occasional at first but then more frequent.  He would come over and smoke a bowl with me.  I made coffee,  which is quite a blessing with my nerve pains. Morning smoke,  made the pain so muted that my day was easier to deal with.  Got more done. What to call him....  hmmmm

Ahh ThePsudoPhilanthropist.   Hmmm...  Yeah sounds good.  He is,  but he isn't.  He gives,  he aids,  but there is always,  ALWAYS  an ulterior motive.  One of them who gives and he knows it aids.  But he always want's something in return.

"I need to get mine."

  He is sad tho,  lonely,  loves his mother,  and is unsatisfied with where his life is tho accepts it and has learned to give gratitude for what he does have.  Living the single life and not complaining. Tho I think if someone hit home for him he would make one.   A Home that is.   Anyway,  back to Friday night.

  Can't begin without whining a bit.  So here comes the soap box.

The English-Merican in me?

  Cabin fever,  hard core.   I got out of the hospital about a week before hand.   Everything that had happened in there had simply drained me.   I hadn't really had any soothing save for the self-kind all week.  No companion ships save for HisRoyalRascalness but because of my state of mind and with all of my friends pulling away as they have been his attention felt like he patronizing.   Still does at times.  I cannot seem to trust anything anymore.  He had come Thursday night.  Hung out did the whole cuddle pet caress and then leave me laying there like *sigh*.   Only man alive that makes me feel like a woman and he never seems to want to finish the job with me.  Makes me feel as if I am just ugly.  Like he does it just to give himself a ego stroke.   I am trying to sift thru those feelings and believe he is not.  I wan't to believe he is not.

   So Friday comes.  Was a if out there.  He might come if a woman he has been seeing don't come to spend the night with him.  Name...  Yah know,  if I could describe her as anything in after listening to him.  My mind goes to one place when I think about his beautiful lips and voice going on about the pro's and con's in her,  the Japanese.

  When a piece of pottery or a tea cup chipped, cracked, or broken.  They would mend the piece with gold.   Fill in the cracks with the precious metal because a crack gives the piece more character.  Name for her.....   Oh I found it in looking for pictures of the pottery.

   Kintsugi..   We will call her that.   I do hope she will allow some or has in her life allowed some gold to fill in the cracks..   ;D

  Another Example:

  Anyway.  Kintsugi was going to have another bit of time with him.  She had come on Tuesday that week.   HisRoyalRascalness wanted more!  Mmmh.  I won't lie,  I felt very alone all weekend.  So when I found I was spending Friday alone and the neighbor offered a evening eating cheese n drinking wine.   I was all over it.

  I am a quick read.  I knew within 5 min of him stepping into my home that night he wanted to fuck.  LMAO.  He isn't a hard guy to read.

I will list that under pro's

So I immediately began to size his ass up for that possibility.  I needed to know if all this "Time for a sabbatical"  feelings was just me feeling bitter again after a hospitalization or the frustration of repeated engine revving and being left to idol by HisRoyalRascalness and not taken out of the garage in so long.  I haven't even been able to enjoy my own personal private time.  Mentally fucking my sexual self.   So,  yeah as soon as he showed up with the coffee cup he borrowed,  shirtless,  not necessarily perfect hotness,  but defo his own kind of wee man sexy.

I like em a lil....  Little.

I knew he was after something.

Previously one of the moments when he had come over to see me and smoked me out a bit my Best Friend Tracy was out there with us.  He complimented me on the fact I had color in my face and my hair was cute.  It went over my head,  like I said I have been in a true state of  *fuck men and dating*    When we came inside after he left Tracy was giving me this odd look.   From me to the door where we had been then back to me.

"Uh huh,  uh huh?"  she muttered.

"What?"  I said.  I was and am just weary.  Like I said.  My personal bubble is just smaller lately.   I don't see or notice much unless it really pokes my personal space and effects my world drastically.

"He likes you"  she grinned.

"No way"  I shook my head and began to hobble off on my lil wedge shoe that is helping me heal faster so I can get back to work quicker.

"Yeah he does,  he even touched you!"

"I'm just not interested Sis."  I went to my room and closed the door.   Buried the convo until I spoke to HisRoyalRascalness later in the week.   Then buried it again until Friday.

He did,  when I thought about it.   He grabbed the scarf I had in my hair and had ran his finger along my jaw and stroked my chin shaking it between his fingers.   How did I totally miss that?

Frustration,  stress,  rejection,  and uncertainty.  Amazing the processes that get shut down.   The things that once seemed important,  that will pale in comparison in these circumstances.

  So,  ThePsudoPhilanthropist knocked on my door Friday night after Tracy and Tayana had disappeared for the night into their room.  I had ordered a pizza because I had not been able to make it to the grocery store as of yer to get food for the week.   Yum.  Wild mushrooms,  onion,  spinach,  and anchovies.   I was craving something salty.   So he and I sat outside.  I offered him some of my crappy wine.  He took a little,  being nice and grateful even tho it was about the crappiest wine you could ever drink.  Never touched it.  Much like Anne Rice wrote Lestate would sit with a cup of  Coffee, cocoa, or tea.  He never sipped from the cup,  but he would raise the glass to his nose.  Smell the drink and revel in the warmth of the liquid in the cup against his cold Preternatural skin.  His vampire body could not process it,  it was like poison to him.  Much like the wine I tried to give my guest and new friend.  *giggles*

Loved her use of that word.  Preternatural,  something erotic about it wouldn't you say? probably not.  Odd bird that way I am.

  The pizza came and we went inside.   I hadn't eaten and my blood sugar had dropped to 71.  I ate a piece of sour candy and ordered a pizza figuring it would hold me until I had real food.   He sat with me and chatted for a while while I ate and then he piped up.

"Why don't you bring prince over to meet my dog?"

I had no idea he had a dog.  We never heard her bark..  Or saw her for that matter.

"Well sure,  let me change my pants."

"Why you look great as you are"

"Well these are falling off me,  Yay size 16 OBSOLETE!"

  He laughed and I changed got Prince suited up,  and headed over to his house.   He did the tour, bedroom, clean and well organized.  Kitchen,  fuck yeah I could cook in there.  Living room (two of them)  and then the pool.   Yes,  pool,  anyone who knows me knows I love to be in water.  I am the most comfy submersed in a body or pool of water.

Water baby I am.

  I situated myself outside by the pool and we chatted for a while.  In this time I found out a bit about him.  I learned why it was he was attracted to me without even asking.  Voluntary explanations without meaning to.  Learned he was on a site I use.  Fet Life.   The only site I have retained through this recent decision to "Toss the dating and sex aside".  I have long term friends on there I will not loose.    He loved girls of my, Size.   He called Them "fat pussies"  he likes some cushion for the pushing.  If I may be so crude...  *lol*    Also I wear wife beaters a lot.  That is a huge turn on.  *rolls her eyes* well there ya go.

  He brought me some wine.  Now,  this was nothing like the crappy Carlo Rossie sangria I gave him.   This was the kind you put your nose to the glass you inhale and you feel as if your eyes are floating in wine.  So delicious,  so pure and full.  He grinned when I took a sip he saw in my eyes and smile it was good.

"She knows good wine"

I almost choked on it

"Yes,  I may look rough but I do have SOME culture,  I just don't do snobby"  I put the glass down and noticed he had relaxed some.   As we chatted and got a lil drunker he shared his "Preferences" with me.  In this brief time I learned some of his "tells".  For instance,  he spoke of an "arrangement" he had with a "nasty" girl.

"Ahh just this fat chick I had to fuck,  she gave great head tho"

"Now you say that and I sit here a fat chick.  How do I take that dude?"

  His chuckle and head cock was genuine.    I know this because he has a couple chuckles.  One is a "are you kidding you dumb fuck"  I heard it a couple times this weekend.  I will elaborate later.  another is  "Aren't you cute"  and then there's  "That is fucken hilarious".  He did the "Aren't you cute" chuckle and caught himself grabbing his dick thru his jeans and apologized.  Speaking quite sincerely,  unable to keep a dimpled grin off his face.

"No she was fat,  and nasty,  you are a normal girl, beautiful."

I smiled back gently,  not believing entirely his words.  I learned long ago,  being as I have a hard time with compliments,  to simply smile softly when someone does pay me a compliment.  It is just a nice neutral way to not seem like a asshole or a weakling.

   I don't entirely believe anyone no matter their body language right now.  I believed he wanted to fuck me.  But beyond that.  I also know men will fuck just about anything,  if they are desperate enough.  I wasn't sure at this point I wanted to fuck him.  I wasn't sure I wanted to fuck at all,  period.  I also didn't want to be just a toy to someone.  Been there,  done that,  got the T Shirt.

I thought I had burned it.

 Eventually we ended up inside and he made a platter of cheese and salami,  and took out this new treat.   I have no Idea what it was called.  I welcome anyone to maybe give me ideas.  But it was made from sesame seeds and big in Arab and Jewish cuisine.  Sweet and crumbly.  So good.  While we were indulging and finishing our second bottle of wine his roommate happened by.   I am going to call her Cathy.   As in the old Sunday comic book character.

Before she got there I got from him the his side of her story.  40 never married,  dating,  she has to be the center of attention.  How he was tired of hearing about her escapades.  In seeing them together for a while.  I kinda see a bit of the bigger picture.   She won't fuck em.  He has an attraction,  even if he won't admit it.  But I also see her being kind of an annoyance.  Consistent traffic.  He is like me,  likes his solitude.

  The man she came with exuded high school.   Just seemed like a playboy. Kissed me full on the lips as he left.

Bout made me laugh my wine right into his mouth. 

  When he left Cathy was right on the phone with her Ex.  That's right, ex boyfriend to the rescue to save this poor girls night.  *rolls her eyes*.  I have to tell you,  this is something I have encountered as of late in people I just don't get.  This is one thing I will be a little sanctimonious about.

Thank you for this word. 

  People need to let go of their past relationships if their future ones are to even have a chance in hell to work.  I have finally gotten to the point I do not miss Richard any more. Happened months ago in heart and in habit long before that.


  Cathy disappeared into her room to get changed and ready for her Ex who she and her the neighbor had insisted was just a platonic friend.  Later he,  who we will call,  TheSap,  relayed was not true.  Of course they still fucked.  Duh.

  While she was doing that I decided along with the neighbor I would take a swim.  Stripped off my T shirt,  wife beater and a lil blue skort i wear.  A Work out. yoga shorts.  I jumped in and was in heaven.  Keeping an eye on him of course.  Stripped down to his boxers.  I kinda disappeared into a different place in the water.  First bit of time in there I didn't hear much of him.  I was under water.  Submersed and enjoying the near weightlessness at a time where in my life all I have felt was this unbearable weight.  I began to cry a little.  But the water and darkness masked it.  Tears alot of them.  But the chlorine masked the fact that I was.  Once the initial emotional bullshit passed.  Once the metaphor of the moment was done I began to enjoy the peacefulness of the moment.  Perfectly buzzed on good wine.  Belly full of very yummy food.  The kitty came out.  I began to toy with him.  Swim around him.  Explore the possibility of a close by and very willing Friend with benefits.  

  I was always serious when I said.  No relationships.  I cannot handle that.  Friends With benefits is all I can handle.  

  He grinned,  he saw my little comin out,  we had discussed it earlier.   My kitty,  he was not unknown to the fetish world.  Tho still green in many places he was not naive.   At this point it was in my head a strong possibility I would test my self.  Was I really done with it all?  Or was i just being bitter and over stimulated lately.  Too much play and not enough release?

  Once the swimming was done,  we dried off and another good moment,  empowering moment happened.   I told him I was gonna go home and change.   Dry clothes,  lived next door...  bleh why not?  He said he had plenty of dry clothes and brought me some.  In my head and all my past experiences said this was going to be another embarrassing experience.

"They won't fit hun let me go change."

"I told you your not fat trust me Emmy."

 "Meh we had this conversation tonight already.  We both have trust issues man.   Here ya are asking me to trust ya.  Ok small thing..  Go get the clothes."

   He brought me this ugly mustard plaid pants  and a red neck looking cut off T shirt.  OK to the bathroom.  The whole time.  Chanting again.

Not gonna fit
Not gonna fit
Not gonna....

OMG THEY FIT!

I squealed from the bathroom and I heard him make that "Well aren't you cute" laugh.

"They fit don't they"

When I came out Cathy and TheSap were seated at the bar in the kitchen and I walked up to her and said.

"This is the first time I have ever needed to get clothes from a guy and they fit EVER IN MY LIFE"

  She  "Awwed"  and hugged me.  She under stood it.   At this point I looked at him.  Blew him a kiss and decided.  Ya know what?   WTF.   I have been feeling so fucken Bad about myself.  Every time HisRoyalRascalness Gets me all worked up and aroused.  Touching,  snuggling and petting.  Then stops,  refuses any kind of release.  I took it as I was just,  disgusting, not sexy,  not desirable.   At that moment I figured fuck it.  I need to try this,  I need to figure out if I can enjoy it.   Lately even if He had followed through,  or tried to follow through I would not have let him.  Even in the touch and snuggle i felt a lurch in my stomach.   Even in my personal play time.  I cried after.  Cum or no,  everything hurt lately.  All pain,  no pleasure.

  We ran out of wine.  So,  during plans to get some,  I decided to take prince back home.   Things were getting riled at the house and I wanted to get him out of the way.  Plus i wanted more cigarettes and needed to get the money.   When I returned Cathy and TheSap had gone to get what everyone needed and  ThePsudoPhilanthropist cornered me against the wall near his room.  Fuck,  he can kiss,  his hands moved under my shirt and he groaned at how stiff my nipples were.  Light easy groan.  I felt my body relax and then twitch as his hands moved down into the pants I was he had given me to wear.

  Now, one of my major insecurities is how big I had been.  300+ in high school,  240 when I moved here to Florida,  170 now.  So My body is and probably will be very soft for the rest of my life.   I am a fluffy girl.  I have what he defines as a fat pussy.  When his hands cupped it his body trembled,  he groaned into my mouth and I felt his cock stiffen against my leg.  He kissed me so gently but passionately I felt myself drench his hand.

  Yeah,  I could enjoy this again,  I thought to myself.

 At this point the door opened behind me,  Cathy and TheSap had returned with more wine and my Cigs.   He backed away licked his fingers and grinned.   More wine,  some pot, swimming and conversation.  Then people disappeared to their rooms.  This is where the night went wrong,  and where I clamped on what HisRoyalRascalness' Thai Girl calls those Metal Pants.   At least for a while.

  The dynamic changed once the pants came off.  He didn't look at me,  I was to keep my mouth shut.  No touch,  no warmth,  no words.  I had consented.  So I rode the experience as he rode me.  Objectified, and solidified my need to just give it up for now.   He hurt me a bit physically.  He didn't do it intentionally.  He was a selfish lover.  When it came to anal,  he took it,  I bled.    Even when I switched on my dominant he shoved his dick in and hurt me.  Then,  he kicked me out of his home.  Followed me around until I had everything.   Thank you for the fuck,  have a good night.  I bled until the next afternoon.   

  HisRoyalRascalness said we would get some more time,   After this night I hoped and "Prayed" it would be that Saturday.  I needed the comfort of my companion.   Tracy and T had been gone all of the time.   I have been cut out of the social life they lead for some reason.   Partly a blessing. TBH I am not part of their circle I think because I am not a lesbian, and telling Tracy about this would be bad.   She is,  regardless of any trials her and I have between us,  my Bull dog,  best friend and sister.   She probably would fucken hurt the guy.   He don't deserve that.  Was a drunk Mistake.  I don't make that kind of mistake twice.   

  He spent another night with Kintsugi he didn't know i was in this place,  then again, I didn't want him to.  I wasn't going to spoil anything for him.  I need to bring less negative to him.   I just do.  I need to be less negative.  I need to be more.  Just more.  For me first off. So other can see what I know I was before,  all of this.  BULLSHIT in my life.  

  When  I found I would not see him.  Tho i thought i would.   I went into self sooth mode.  It didn't work,  I couldn't keep food down,  Especially until I stopped bleeding.   Pain was still prevalent until the next day.   Right about the time I gave up on seeing him or anyone at all this weekend.   Tracy and Tayana had disappeared all day all weekend.  I had been alone.  I had eaten my last piece of pizza 2 hours before and was about to take 2 benedryl to stop the anxiety and try to finally sleep.   No more food left.   No more nerves.  Needed to sleep and hadn't since I came home Friday Morning.  Sunday Afternoon and I needed to try.  I had just Colapsed on the bed,  Benedryl in hand.  My phone rings. 

I got chills they're multiplying.

I almost didn't answer.

"Hello?"

"Hello there Emmy Lou Marie  I am driving back from Boca,  Have you eaten?"

"I had a peice of pizza why?  Have you?"

I was very standoffish,  fed up,  feeling used,  abused,  patronized and unwell.  I inside wanted to scream at him..  

"What done with the Hooker and now you have time for the one who wont ever say no?  Finally found a place to pencil me in?"

I took a deep breath,  closed my eyes, gripped the blankets under me.  Told myself not to be mad at him.  He wasn't the one who hurt you.  Well,  he has,  but not,  intentionally.  I don't think.  He didn't know as of yet what happened this weekend.  I wasn't even sure I wanted to tell him.

"No, I was thinking the Diner,  wan't to go?"

I actually had to think about it.  I rolled the benadryl around in my hand and my head felt so good against my pillow.  So weary,  so tired.   Tears rolling down my cheek still from all of the emptiness and anxiety of the past 2 weeks.  No release,  no pleasure,  and no real joy.  I sighed.

"I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No,  I wasn't sleeping"

Yet...

"Yeah,  let me get some pants on,  I will just get something light."  

  I was starving, but my body has not been handling food so well lately.  I eat,  so hungry stomach growling.    My sugar is low even and i take a few bites and vomit.  I need to,  at some point,  get some clean type foods.  Fruit veggies,  lean meats.  I need to go back to a diet like that.  Seems when I am having an emotional time its the only way I can get food in and keep it there.

"I will be there in about 20 minutes."

  Here is where there used to be another stress for me.   Ever since the first month time he and I have been hanging out.  Since the first time he took me out.  He stood in my little 2 room place as I was going thru my closet and basically turned his snobby lil nose up to everything I had in my closet.

Yeah,  I have been knocked back by the divorce and all the shit that has happened to me and my health in the last year.  Jerk...  ;(

When he is coming over I would  have the most fucked up time with what I am to wear,  the things that I would stress over.

To or not to show my arms, (scars)

To or not to show my legs, (Scars)

How chubby I am (grumbles)

Scars

whether my clothes were gonna make him not wanna be around me,  or touch me,  even the lil bit of touch that I get,  as wonderful as it is,  as much as it calms me.

No,  Don't ever stop touching me as you do.  I have compartmentalized you.  Happened in part last night while you were measuring yer dick.  I think you saw it.  I think you even see it as you read this now.  I will say it again.  I love who we are how we are and what we are.  Always have always will.  

This time however,  I just wanted to be covered.  The events of this weekend.  I am just disgusted with myself and everything to do with my body.  It was a no brainer.  Took no thought.  Jeans and long sleeve shirt.  If it wasn't so fucking hot here in Florida I would have worn a woolen hat and a coat.  I didn't want to be seen.   I wanted to climb into a shadowy corner.

  It was nice to get out but I was strained.   PTSD kinda on overload.  Ever sound,  or odd movement by him exaggerated in my head.  I would see a car move out of the corner of my eye outside the window and it startled me.  His foot moved under the table and caught my leg or mine did and it freaked me out.  I couldn't swallow food anymore after that.   It was in part is relating to me his weekend with Kintsugi  at a time when I was feeling so fucked,  Utterly disgusting and unsexy.  Unwanted and undesirable.  I was jealous.  Of the time she got with him. When I wanted that.  Not the sex but the time.  At his place,  peaceful,  serine.  Good food,  talk,  movies,  reading a book.  Cuddles and caress.  Away from the drama you in a not so thinly veiled attempts to tell me was another reason being around me,  here in this place,  is so undesirable for ya.  That is really all I want.  A weekend with someone who makes me feel more a person,  woman,  human,  and in that peace and calm.  Than anyone ever has.  

Why have I become so unworthy of that suddenly?

  The more he talked about her,  the more I held this secret about the weekend and my feelings the more the food wanted out.  He said something about her as I was nibbling a wing and I put it down. I went to the bathroom and up it came.  What lil I had eaten had come up and I just couldn't anymore.  I really tried not to be outwardly upset.   I do not want to bring negative to him.  I am trying to find a place where I can be positive in the presence of other people.  I am not around others enough anymore to feel positive with them I think.  I do not feel positive toward others right now.   I feel a lot of anger and resentment instead.  I am working on,  loosing that.  That,  however is something that will happen as things settle, and yes,  as people prove themselves to be who they are and I can compartmentalize them properly.  

One down,   4 to go.

On the way home,  i let it all kinda out.  The positive and negative about the night.  He was outwardly a lil pissed.  I could see it in his demeanor   I asked him to leave it lie.  Do not say a word to anyone.   It was consensual sex,  just because I did not like his style and things did not go quite as planned or as I like does not mean he deserves any evil.  Just let it lie.  I did not know how much it upset him until later.  Mixed feelings about it,  i am greater in the gratitude and the warmth of the moment than the fear in it.  I have known the rascal far longer than the neighbor.  Again, my feet are firmly in his court in all things.

 Keep that in mind.  

We got back to the house and the neighbor was outside with his dog who ran over and gave a lil hop next to me I petted her as HisRoyalRascalness parked the Shaguar.  Not much said,  went inside and laid out on the bed.  First time I ever changed in front of him.  I didn't care,  first sign compartmentalization has started.   I realized this as I flopped onto the bed.  In my head,  I think I chuckled out loud.  In my head I said to myself.

 Well I guess i decided where he stands,  or am beginning to.

If I cared really about what he thought of me anymore,  I would not have gotten even partly nakid in front of him like that. We laid there a while.  I told em more,  he threatened punishment if I walk around.   We talked more about Kintsugi,  I squirmed more.  But I understand.  

Keep doing it.  Keep In mind however,  one day,  you will put a wedge in with someone and it will ruin YOUR heart in the end,  as well as hers.

 He expressed, too,  he wanted to kinda give the neighbor the what for.  He saw his actions as rude, inconsiderate and unforgivable.   I see that view.  I do,  I will never put myself in that position with the guy again.  Lesson learned.  He didn't "Rape" me.  Selfish lover.    I was just gonna ignore it. moving out of here soon,  why cause any drama.  No more needed here hey?

Ain't no one got time for that.

 Now, We went outside for a smoke,  we made a joke about keeping our voices down, I was still dressing covered.  I said it was because I wanted to keep the bugs off me.  Truthfully it was because I just wanted to be covered.  HisRoyalRascalness is about the only person,  Ironically,  who I feel comfy in any way, vulnerable around.  Ironic because he does not take advantage of that.   Again,  why i love who we are as we are.  I have reached a place with him where I feel I do not need to hide anything.  Body or mind.

Like I said,  Locked and loaded.

 While out there the neighbor happened by.  Woo OK,  I had told him to let it go but as the neighbor approached HisRoyalRascalness met him half way up the walk.

"Look I don't appreciate you being a inconsiderate asshole to her so if you don't mind fucking off and not coming back that would be great."

  OK,  I simultaneously felt this desire to hug him crying in delight and to punch him in the face for the drama this may create.   *lol*

  You do know how to challenge my feelings and reactions.   Punk.

  I am not angry at the neighbor,  I am angry at myself mostly.  Stupid mistakes I make.   Choices,  I guess I have to make them if I am to figure out where I need to grow right?  

  We are if we are to know where we are to grow and better ourselves.  I hear every word,  and I am believing each one.  Remember that you rascal.  I am also good at filling in the blanks with the actions of other.  So,  keep that in mind to.

  We went inside and I collapsed on the bed,  mentally shut down for a bit.  Half absolutely elated that he defended me.  I think the one of the only men who did.  One,  long ago,  long dead,  forever occupying a place in my heart.   My husband wasn't a defender.   He watched a man swing on me while i was pregnant and didn't flinch.  This brightened my day.  One of those,  my friends always seem to prove their support even if it isn't exactly when or how I would like.

Give what you can,  cherish what is given, and expect nothing more.

 He made us some tea we sat and talked.  He asked me to give any the Positive and Negative I saw in this new girl he was seeing.  He showed me some texts she had sent him.  I gave him my take.

  You already know my answer,  you know she saw the "Well behaved you"  and you know who you really are.  She got some of your wedges.  I saw all of this in the beginning.  I have,  as time went,  seen the negative in you too.   I seen your selfish side,  you patronizing side,  i have seen your caring and your loving side.  I know that you have now gotten her out of her packaging,  see her a lil more clearly and are now not seeing her in the same perfect light you did before.

I also know you get bored.

Be truthful with her as you have with me,  do not let her wrap her world around you babes.   Be smart,  make a friend,  keep making friends.  Do not be in a hurry.

Don't hate me for the rest of this letter.   Tho I have a feeling you won't.

Note to Kintsugi: 

  I know you do read this blog,   I hope you continue,  my advice to you.   Enjoy him when he is there,  draw from what he offers when he is not to better yourself for yourself.  Become a better person for you separate from anyone.  Stand tall,  stand firm,  stand alone.   Clean the debris from your world so your light will shine bright and and the moths that are drawn to your particular light will swarm to it.  

Do not hold too tight onto that which must fly,  

do not pick a flower for then it starts to die.

He is just that kind of being.  

Enjoy when there,  

Love him when he is gone.

May you always walk in Light and love..   

Blessed Be....

)O(

Emmy Lou Marie