OK look, I know this should be like letter "1." But here we go anyway. When I started this blog I said to everyone involved, at the time it was Tracy, Tayana, and HisRoyalRascalness. I had been writing in my journal every day for a while before I started putting it here on this blog. I said I was going to hold nothing back. I was assured by the a fore mentioned people. That it was fine, and the only people who had no issues with me using their actual names were My best friend and her girlfriend. So all others I found suitable names. My InternationalManOfMystery became my ToyBoy, But when I realized he was a lil more than a toy and less than a boyfriend, he became HisRoyalRascaleness. Enter BlueShirt, TheShocker, WeddingDress, MusicMan, ItalianStallion, KnightInShiningArmor, And We will give Jonny the Name, SouthernBoy.
Last night HisRoyalRascalness came over and we had a long talk. My last blog hit a nerve with Kintsugi, and rightly so. Now here is where I am at a "Crisis of Conscience"
I sit here shaking my head, just utterly still a lil unsure how to do this. Other than purely as I have the rest of this blog. The life you have chosen has done this. The way you chose to get your "Inspiration" has. Complication breeds this kind of insanity. I say this realizing I am the proverbial fat that which could be cut off to loose some complication and it hurts me. It is the same as how my true and honest belief in survival of the fittest, means I am the one who would be cast aside because I am too slow, sick, feeble and hurt to be of any use to the whole of the pack. Even slowing it down at times.
I will not change my writing once it is down. If you have a problem with something I have written barring the already laid our requests on Names faces and any identifying features in pictures... Let me know and I will "Amend" it in the next entry otherwise:
Suck it up buttercup. This is my story and I am putting it the fuck out there. Capiche??
As far as the names I use for the people I meet? I do this for many reasons.
1. Anonymity
I really don't care how the next proclamation comes off to people. It is truth, so fuck you.
My life, for some odd reason, tends to be full of some seriously odd, fantastical, and truly larger than life experience. I dunno why? Some would say "You do it to yourself" Well yeah, I will totally accept that. YES! I accept it with a bitter sweet and cheeky grin because there is some damn good shit in there too. As fucked up and sad as the downs are in my life. The highs are so splendid and awe inspiring. Yeah, I will keep on doing it, as I always have, learning from my mistakes. So the people I meet in this life I lead, I will always give them a creative name. Something that describes them as I see them.
In Letter 31 - Compartmentalization and Metal pants. Check! I was talking about a experience I had on Friday that left me in a physical and emotional shit storm. I melted into myself, and did not bother the people around me or in my life with it at all and tried to self sooth and move myself past the exp. Hoping, in some way, someone would ask if I needed anything. When I finally gave up and was going to take a lil bit extra for sleep. I laid in bed to do so and someone finally did. In that moment I felt a great deal of anger. When I write this blog, i do the best I can to put forth not just what is going on around me, but also inside me. I ask everyone, when they do read, whether they realize they are a character in this story, or not. To try to read it as such. A story, and see my place in it.
At this moment when My Phone rang in this letter, I was angry, I had not slept in almost 30 hours, one piece of pizza, I had been hurt in a sexual way, and the 2 weeks before had my friends had simply disappeared. Dark, alone, lost. So when I spoke about this time it was what was happening in my head, in a bad and angry time. NOT what was going on in reality. IE: HisRoyalRascalness was NOT paying for a hooker For Fuck Sake.
He was spending the weekend with someone who, like me in the past, had done that sort of work. I needed to clear this up for a couple reasons. The Ex wife, and for Kintsugi. His RoyalRascalness does not have to pay for sex, he can talk the pants of a statue....
Always a rascal
Note to Kintsugi:
I hope you are not one to see only the negative in something you read or are told about you or someone else. Calm a bit and re-read. As far as HisRoyalRascalness. He did what he did for you because in your beauty you motivated him to get shit done. As a muse for him he started/finished projects he has not could not or did not for some time. Good girl. I envy you. I do not have this ability.
I am not beautiful enough/in the right way.
It used to break my heart,
It still does, But not for me anymore,
if ya know what I mean.
if ya don't.
you will if ya stick around.
LET THE WEDGES SINK IN
Love him and accept him for what he is.
Pure Rascal
Pure Playboy
Pure Tempest
Pure ToyBoy
Pure Tiger
(See Chinese Zodiac actually quite funny even if ya think its HOOEY)
)O(
So yes I use the cute lil names to protect people who I am around. Also because its fucken adorable!
I do not know how much I will be blogging When I think I wont I tend to a lot.. When I hope to I go days without it. My life is just kinda fucked at the moment but, I have some hope. I will, must, can make it happen.
My Birthday is coming up and I have no real hope for it. Growing up a Jehovah's Witness, you are kinda trained from day one its nothing big. And there has not been one Birthday to date that was ever really just as it seemed to be for others "All about me" I dunno, is that really how it should be? Is it terrible that is my wish? Just once. I will say, this is one instance I believe. I do deserve that. I might even say I am, even, almost, maybe bordering on. Entitled to it.
*Sticks out her tongue* Hows that for not so thinly veiled you Wascaly Wabbit?
This is a pivotal moment for me and my future. The next 4 weeks are a scary time. I am pushing my self thru this the best I can and I will fucken challenge anyone to tell me I am doing a bad job. It's been unreal. I will not give up however, I will not back down, On myself, on my friends,
or on you, so don't give up on me.
Always walk in Light and love
Blessed Be!
)O(
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