One of my earlier letters, number 2 I believe, I spoke of when I took a couple days and I went to see HisRoyalRascalness for his birthday. I went out on a limb, someone I knew very little about. He was playing the "Well I dunno if I really want company, kinda in a bad place, but maybe it is just self sabotage, here is my apartment number and gate code, just in case you need it" game.
Buckle up buttercup, here comes some more truth.
So I went, called off work for a day or two and spent it with him on his birthday, knowing I myself could not handle being alone on my Birthday. My birthday's had been so sad, for so long. My last birthday had been spent living with my soon to be Ex Husband as we settled my divorce and I got ready to move to Florida where I met HisRoyalRascalness. It was a wonderful couple days. We, with some chemical aids, enjoyed each other in many ways. Sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. I didn't know him really, only a bit. But, I seemed to trust him a lil quickly.
I still do.
I think, he still takes me for so many of these other women who he talks to. I am sure some are like me too. Kintsugi, I think is similar to me in this way. How so? Well, I don't Bull shit anyone. When I say something I mean it. I think she is more intelligent and can pick up on who, what, and how he really is. I also think she can revel in it.
I just hope you can avoid slamming in a fatal wedge.
All I want for my birthday is for a space of time to be all about of me. 2 evenings, all about me. Is that so much to ask for? I want to be read to, Cuddled, talk, cook a meal, take a walk, watch dumb TV, sleep wrapped in someones arms I think respects me on some level. I hope he does. Phones away, world paused. I do not want to feel pressure to fuck. I am so far gone from sexuality right now. I don't even feel the desire.
I think you think I am fibbing when I say this. My Dear Mirror and friend, next time I fuck it will be someone who will fuck, wants to fuck, and has fucked only me.. Get it?
So I put this to HisRoyalRascaless, Yes, I asked for a return on his B day Gift. With one strong difference. No pressure for sex. HE made the offer of a Friday, I asked for a Friday and Sat, in his home, one place I have felt most at peace. So beautiful and serene. I have asked him to read from his favorite book to me. I want to write while there, work on some things of my own. I am asking him to throw back out into the universe what he asks of his muses for me, on my birthday. Only, I don't need to fuck. Ironically, I am not attracted to him in this way anymore.
Let me elaborate.
I told your Ex Wife while we were talking a few weeks ago that I wasn't attracted to you sexually anymore. The truth was I was starting to become less attracted. I didn't exactly know why. Was sad for me to feel that waning. Now, as I sit here, realizing my whole view on you has changed, its actually more comfy for me. I like it more. It gives me the ability to, enjoy the cuddles and not feel, frustrated when you leave. A true Boy best friend. As far as my Birthday wish, what it is I want from the time?
A Cleansing of my feelings
A Release of my anger
A Expression of reality
An Understanding of your mind
An Expression of mine.
An Ending to a era
A Beginning to a new friendship
An Emptying of a glass
A Filling of a new one.
During this weekend to come I will express more to him what I am thinking. Cruelty, I feel some of the expressions will be very cruel. But I have received some of that from him as well.
One good turn?
I do however believe the cruelty will fertilize a nice new friendship. Put shit in its place and make things better in the aftermath. Mostly in my mind. Maybe a bit of a, snap to reality for us both.
In the end and so far I have learned my own worth in all of this. I have learned he will always be my International Man of Mystery. Coming and going, Bringing smiles and a shit storm of pleasant WTF. The sad thing is. My heart breaks for him now, not me. He will ever be chasing the wind. Hopping fences for the grass that seems greener on the other side. Instead of watering the grass he is Mowing over and letting grow brown. I will remain always his friend. Welcoming him for dinner, convo, and snuggles. I smile so wide right now. I dunno why, I just do. Peace, feeling a great deal of it.
The Friend,
The asshole
The playboy
The Toyboy
The never content lil naive country boy? (Bullshit)
The craziest fucker I have ever had the pleasure of meeting
Yes, Immutable.
)O(
No comments:
Post a Comment