This one is just for you my ToyBoy. You gave yourself that title, I am not sure it fits really, It's cute and I am about to request him in full force. This next 10 days is going to be a difficult roller coaster. After we said goodnight on Skype I went out for a smoke with Tracy. I told her how I felt. Explained to her why I was so moody as I figured out why finally. Or at least I am finally fucking fessing up to the real issue. (wanted Alliteration there very badly any reason to use the word "fuck" ;x ) I have said it before this anniversary is gonna kick me good. But I know now that's why I am feeling so unappreciated. The emotions I am having over the memories of this time last year are effecting how I am taking what people do around me now. Tracy reminded me of something else about last year. His asking for the divorce might have been the final blow, but he broke me long before that day. The day he asked for the divorce I gained some power. I started to really hit on what needed to be for me and my future, for the first time seeing one without him. I started to learn to live again. I still am and will be for a long time. I am not sure how I will react. I do know what I need. And you know by now this is not the norm for me. I got over asking for what I want with Richard. Both because he would reject me or Do it with a "yeah sure ill do it for you again" kind of begrudging attitude most of the time. So I don't generally ask for what I want or need. Even now as I am about to say this. Its not a request. It's general information about me. I feel as if another thing Tracy said tonight is exactly right as well. "There is nothing saying you cannot say what you need to get through this rough week. Make it known and then let it ride." I need Patience, I am kind of back in a mental place where I anticipate rejection. So I am having a hard time swallowing compliments, or any form of kindness from people around me. I do not know how to react. Sometimes searching for the hook in the bait, even when there is none. Its something I fight a lot. Usually in silence and becoming very withdrawn and cold. It does not last long. So please patience with my scattered, unfocused, and partially detached behavior. I am not at all mad at you or trying to be difficult. Feel free to tell me if I am. I can take it. ;D I need to not feel disposable. Its what happened with my divorce. Not even his family knows the reality of what went down. They didn't need to. the reality is I broke, and he threw me away. At least he keeps all the electronics that breaks on a shelf to possibly "Fix" later. I was to expensive and extensive a repair job. Disposable. I need to feel appreciated. Everyone does, I know. I never feel anything less with you. ;D like I said information. Not necessarily pertaining to you! I would do what I could when I was sick or had to be off my feet majority of the time to heal. I stayed up or got up when he got home to cook dinner. Make coffee, chat and enjoy time. His response was "I never asked you or told you to do that" Unappreciated. I need to feel needed? Yeah, I need some neediness Its odd, but it's true. this one can change on a dime however. I might need to not be needed or need to need at some points.. For this I refer you to "I need patience" ;D But it wont last too long. May not last long enough for you to notice to badly. But it is where I am at right now. I believe, however, that you are coming on the same point too. So I know that there has to be some sour there for you too. Especially in light of the fact its not over for you yet. I understand too.
Fuck as I write this I feel like a Selfish bitch. I don't know what to think! I also find myself uncertain of some of the entries! Isn't that awesome! *sigh* Unfortunately I am the kind of person who also if not given anything I need, I swallow it. This is the reason its coming up on me now from last year. I had to swallow a lot.
But you and me are different in this way. When yer sick you wanna be left alone. I want snuggles and soft words. There's the lil girl.. *sigh* I am surprised how much its effecting me. This one year bull shit. But it is and I am a little ashamed of it. I am kinda lost my ToyBoy, and I need to understand some things. I need some light in the next few days. And yes, I am asking for it. Not just from you but from all of my friends.. I hurt, I will continue to work on being more positive. Just need a lil help. That's what I am asking for. A Little Help. After talking on Skype with you just now a second time I realized. 1. NO ITS NOT PMS! I just got done so don't even assume.... 2. If i was there i would take care of yer issue. 3. ♥
I am not really sure what it is I am going through right now, but there is going to be a purge very soon.. Both internal and external. I've felt this before. Like an emotional boil is filling slowly.. trepidation anticipation. Sometimes like the physical manifestation. They will swell a bit and then go away. Our bodies inner workings able to fight the infection instead of the last resort eruption that usually ends a long bout of severe pain. The release is so great. it's almost euphoric. Is it the upcoming anniversary? My Trying to get my feet back under me after this surgery put me off em for so long? New Living arrangements that seem to do nothing but break down? Acclimating to life with a family feel again? My ToyBoy?
Take a lil of each of them things, throw em in a blender and hit puree. Not that they are problems! I am overwhelmed and learning I really have a love hate thing when it comes to people. I can swallow a lot. (Enter Olivia "That's what she said.") *Rolls her eyes* I really can swallow a lot of shit from people. Because I know how completely and utterly human I am. How can I presume to think anyone else should be anything but.
Humans, I really dunno if i like the fact that I am one. A butterfly, now there's a being to want to be. You are brilliantly colored and flutter about smelling flowers until *poof*. I mean how often do you see a dead butterfly? Mysterious is nice too. I can even handle the whole caterpillar thing. Some of them are just gorgeous, but even if they aren't they are so lovely in their own way when they are butterflies, or even moths. A dog, come on... Lay about all day or play with chew toys (if yer one of the lucky who end up in a good home.) Eat sleep get lots of pets and rubs and hugs... Again a short life, but really Like every living thing on earth, ya can get dealt some shitty cards. But if yer human, you can consciously DEAL cards to people, hand them some good cards or bad. We make a lot of our own misfortune, and its all ingrained. Its our primal impulses that lead us. Food, sleep, fuck, and everything we do daily is tied to those impulses. Work, get dressed, shower, clean our surroundings. If we didn't need any of those things we would never do anything. Humans are lazy, just some have more motivation.. More desire to improve be do and see.
My ToyBoy will be here tonight in a short time. I am half looking forward to it. The other half is dreading it because if I don't tell him how I feel I will just run away. With everything else i am carrying around emotionally about everything I need to let it go.
And here he is. I will continue after! Ciao!
I have fallen for him, I told him tonight. In the state I am in I wont even presume to know how me saying not that I loved him, but that I feel I have fallen in love with him.. Has effected him, Body Language says hes not put off at all. Its a big thing and i wont even try to analyze his reaction. It was eating me up not to say it. I am glad I did. Now its out there. SO at least there's that release... If I have learned anything in the Last few years is falling in love, its not hard. matter of fact its one thing we do weather we want to or not. It's the after falling that makes a difference.
I laid here in my bed, with him, crying some there's been a lot in the past few days that have me flustered and frustrated. Repeatedly telling him I was sorry, I hate saying that I don't mean to. I am not sorry I have fallen for him. I am sorry it will make things more complicated for him in some ways. I wish only to be, a easy breezy thing in his life. Right.....
///You got me wrong ToyBoy, I am not saying I feel neglected! My Angst is not with anything you have done. Its frustration with having feelings like this so soon. The anniversary of the day he kicked me aside is coming up, and its hurting, So I am analyzing everything. My struggle at this point is trying to not judge anything happening now by what happened to me before. Understanding it is OK that I do not expect or desire the same things I once did. Also, I am trying to figure out what I am feeling exactly. When I said i have never been the most important person in anyone's life ever in my life (in my own recollection) My mother will say I was to her. But I know that if at the time a soldier took me by the foot and raised me putting a gun to my head and telling my mother to choose. Her religion, or her daughters life. She would have muttered something about seeing me again in The New Order, and that she will remain faithful to Jehovah God. Bullet to a babies brain OK! You are right, everyone wants to be someones number one. I think that might be what I will need eventually in my life. There may be a time when I will accept nothing but. I honestly don't know if I can handle that right now. So that is there as well. When I said tonight "I do not think I am the only one who is having a problem with that" I meant I don't think I am the only one who has Fallen or is falling right now. I think you are too and that's why you put those wedges in. As much for yourself if not more than for me. I love ya because of what you have been. I love you because I feel no pressure. I love you because its not "serious". I love you because yer not up my ass 24/7. That does not mean I don't miss you, I do. I am also well aware you are busy and in the middle of something. I am not complaining. I am Exclaiming. I did so expecting you to never be seen from again! But i had to fess up. I feel better that I did. I also see the obstacles . I see the ups and downs so far. One thing My marriage did is teach me not to ignore the lil red flags. The don't necessarily mean DANGER. They just mean "Pay Attention!" I've learned to do that. An example, When I was pregnant in Orlando with Richard and some of his friends. One of them took a swing at me. His pregnant Girlfriend. He did not budge. That is a Warning red flag. One that should have been seen with Richard and wasn't but I see with you is "Out of sight out of mind", this is a warning red flag. Unless I was in his presence I was not on his mind. I think and have thought, however, with you it is as you say that you are busy. Trust me I get it. There are still no worries there. I am learning to balance some emotions. That's all me. I do Love you. And like i said in a earlier letter: Love does not conquer all, it does not forgive all things, it does not swallow you. Love Adapts, is understanding and can immerse.///
Ahh see, this is what i am talking about. This struggle between heart and mind. Between all the insecurities and what it is you really are or are seeing. I am quite angry at myself. Tracy has been saying I become a grouch after i haven't seen my IMOM in a couple days. I try to explain its not grumpy cuz i miss him. Its grumpy cuz i don’t want to. Disappointed in myself for having such a tie emotionally right now. *shrugs* Who knows. I am not suffering at all. I enjoy the longing. I just didn't want to feel it so soon after i left Richard. ToyBoy would say, “Pros and cons,” or, “See broken arm as opposed to a scratch or cut!” No, I am not hurting. I am yearning. And this isn't something u can control.. Only experience. A healthy longing will leave you more productive. Unhealthy will leave you devastated. And Ironically, this Difference between the good and bad longing lies more with Yourself than the other person. You cannot control what others do or say. You can only control your reactions to it.
It’s as if he could sense the need to hear his voice last night. I sent em a text. sleep well sweets bla bla bla. Instead of responding in text he called. There hadn't been much communication since sat. But i understood it. I wasn't in the place for much interaction myself. Is what a night of parties and favors can do to ya. When i heard his ringtone on my phone i was surprised. Picked it up “Well i thought i would do you the courtesy of wishing you pleasant dreams on the phone. How are you Emmy Lou Marie?” Ahh crap tension left me and in his voice i could hear he was anxious. But he was smiling u can tell that from how his speech changes. In his own way he (strike that)... hmmm better way... He acknowledged his silence over the past couple days. not responding to IMs much. He did a cave man for a couple days. I get it, I kinda did too.
/// Thank you for this ToyBoy. It made me smile. Things like this are what make u so nice. You know what’s needed. And you do as i do. Give it when you can. And we both cherish what is given.
Enter my own rabbit reflex.. I want to run. I don’t like this at all... I don’t think. I hate the doubts questions lack of trust i seem to still exhibit. I hate struggling with the desire to be someones someone and the hatred of all the bull shit that come’s with it. I want to run from you ToyBoy. And I dunno how to deal with this.
I hate you for being so nice and understanding and love it in the same space. I am starting to feel as if i want you to demand on me a lil. To ask me for my time. It rarely happens tho. Not just with you but anyone I have ever been with. I am “a good woman” but no one ever wanted me really as anything more than a passing thing or fancy. Its pissing me right off. So I struggle between the desire to try and the annoyance with what it means. I have turned tail ToyBoy. I haven’t Run yet. But I am kicking my feet. I dunno how to handle any of this.
Add to it that this is coming on the anniversary of the day Richard asked me for the divorce. Told me it was too much responsibility and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I need help, I need you to help me calm some. I need to hear you say “Its gonna be ok” and mean it.///
There was this couple I knew while married, I used to scoff, and frown when people talked about them. What an arrangement. Now Details Details.. See, I have this problem I cannot remember if they were married or not. I believe so.. Or at least together for so long (I mean Decades) That they basically were. Now this couple they were odd. I saw them together twice I think. Both of them Bent over old now. That age where if ya found that person to spend your life with you would, by this point in their lives, be sitting in armchairs in front of a TV or on a porch swing literally laughing about the stupid shit they did and saw during their now close to ending lives. But these two, not them. For one they were too busy keeping moving in their lives than to stop and be old...
Even at our wedding, He was taking pictures. Tho he was in every other picture I saw taken. either taking a place last minute right up front of everyone else taking pictures, or going from another angle and u see him in the background snapping his own. Just adorable. She was like a open minded (for her generation) socialite type. Good at socializing and not offending even in criticism. The kicker with the pair. They never lived together in their whole relationship. He had his home and I believe it was quite far away. She had hers there in NY. They saw each other pretty often but they just never saw the need to “Cohabit” I dunno if I spelled that right or not. No little red lines so I am gonna say “SCORE!”
Now I was terrible when people talked about this couple. How can she do that? No way I need my Hubby around!!! I could not fathom my married life being spent with my husband off and out and about always living his own life and leaving me to mine except for occasional sleepovers or vacations together, What was the purpose of this lil back story? Well let me start by saying, I don’t have my glasses so if there are more misspellings than usual I blame a Rocking Birthday weekend for my Sister from another mister Tracy. Just was one of them Very good parties that leave ya saying “I did not do that last night?!?!? wow way to go you!” So yeah everything hit kinda right. Including the company i was with. So When i took off my glasses and put them on the dresser in the Host’s apartment i kinda forgot em. I know where they are so I am not worried.
Tracy turned 32 this week (Friday) We planned hard Tayana. She did the “Footwork” I did food prep. We really didn't need a lot of food. This was one of them parties that people had party favors that Made eating a foreign Concept. The cake, i believe is still in the hosts fridge not cut into but people took a taste of the frosting. Chewing and swallowing foreign, sucking on sweet fingers, perfect. I made the frosting myself (with a lil help from my sis) butter cream a Recipe learned from my ex Mother in law with a couple added bits of my own. Was a good job! 3 diff appetizers cake it was good lil hectic. My sister Kim helped me with some food prep so did my IMOM. He showed up just after everyone took Tracy out to be away while i cooked. he put the Salmon appetizers together! All the work paid off. Good people, Including someone who lived at the Apartment building the party was hosted at. Didn't know Tracy from Adam. But he brought her a card with a lotto ticket in it.
For me personally, it was an interesting weekend. Full of a lot of sweet n sour. Just the right mix to make it a good and proper experience. My IMOM took quite a big step (especially for him) a couple of them actually. But then, so did I. He spent the night! Now this is something he had fought tooth and nail. Even saying at one point “Its just not gonna happen sorry Emmy Lou Marie” Him saying that both was both comforting and upsetting. but he gave it a shot. and i don’t think he slept so good or at least as much as he did here in a while. After the party and we sat around the next day recovering from one hell of a night of adventure. We laid down to nap at 6 in the evening and woke just after 12:30 am. Well, he woke up and then woke me up. Freaked out a lil that we slept so hard and long. He flipped on the light and i sat right up in bed stunned as he told me the time. All I could say was “We wasted all that time sleeping?”
The sound of his voice was so cute. A mix of Aww poor thing and No with a lil chuckle added!!! “Wasted? we didn't waste we woke cuddling it's as perfect weekend Emmy Lou Marie!” I wanted to talk more. I wanted to clarify things.. I wanted to talk about the night and before and what things said meant. But alas, part of the reason I love him, and why he is and always will be my International Man of Mystery, He always leaves me shit to think about and grow with. He leaves me wanting more. Looking forward to the next visit, and leaving me with something to blog about!
//Here we go Toy Boy, a little more truth and a lot more emotion. I know you are not dumb, ya see it too. Feel it. There’s a comfort in who we are, what we are cultivating. I know personally I am grateful for this experience no matter the outcome. I am grateful for the insight into myself, Both positive and negative I either didn't realize was in me or I did but didn't want to acknowledge or had given up on. When observations I make about myself or the world around me are affirmed by action of people in that world, and without any coaxing from me. It is the best feeling. And you did that this weekend. There are few people in my life who make my “Give what you can, cherish what is given, and expect nothing more.” mantra seem the right way to see things. You are slowly breathing life into a place in my head and heart i thought would seriously just be dead. And i say this, with absolute understanding of your view. The wedges and why you put em out. I also know that part of that is a self preservation tool. A defense mechanism. I have learned over the last year I don’t use wedges. I bear thorns. Pop em out to put off potential problem people! YAY ALLITERATION! *high five*
So, my ToyBoy, I will see your wedges and raise you a thorny finger! You have seen a few thorns. You, however, react the same as I do to your “wedges”
“Ahh yes i can see that problem but “shrugs” whatever here i am take me or leave me.”
Makes a perfect Magnetic resistance if that's even the right way to explain it! Always loved a person that can shine light in places i was ashamed of. Help me see the beauty or even uncover it in some way. You have done that in the most awesome way! Incoming a Thorn or two... maybe. Whenever it seems to me I will offend you and send you running away, you surprise me and are back again! I wish I could see thru your eyes. I’d love to know why? Why do you keep coming back? Easy Question you would think.. But I understand too well.
Some of the stuff you said this weekend made me smile so wide. Others made my frown very deep... Simplification, working to make your wishes and desires a reality. Some of those desires make some of mine a reality if You achieve them. Which is cool. and each time i see you accomplish something toward these goals it makes me so happy for you, for us! I hate using that word,,, I hate it. This is one of the things you said that made me smile. Even before i got cheeky and did the chick thing “asking” if i was one of those things you would be “Keeping around” I love that you are motivated!
Your worry about the, how to put this, “another person involved”. Under these circumstances ToyBoy, its expected and I would even encourage it a bit if you weren't looking at her in that way. Never worry about it, ever. There are people for me who will never be turned away, male and female. People who helped me or were there for me in a jam will always be welcome. If I can give aid, a hand to hold, a sounding board to them I will do it. You better do that for her too. I would expect nothing less.... And slightly offended if you didn't... ///
I won’t lie, when he leaves I twitch a bit. Sadness the knowing how I will miss him. But even in that bit of a sour taste of this whole thing. Its smoothed out by the anticipation. The looking forward to the next time. No matter how long off the next time is. What the time we get involved. It will be a good time, relaxed and without expectation. We will hang out and do what we do. And it will be good. Never a disappointment, always a learning experience. This weekend he said some things, Good things. Things that verified some observations i had been making. I popped off a “ToyBoy I'm sorry, but I love you.” I was having a moment of pure joy when I did. His reply was quick and half way thru the short sentence i heard him catch himself in saying it but he didn’t stop he put his cheek and temple to mine and finished the sentence. I wrapped my arms around him and just said “I know I know,”
///It’s not easy for either of us. I had the same internal lurch as I said it. A lil more subdued externally. (laughs) But it is there, its not easy to feel. Not with what you are going through now and i have been through . A slight lil emotional leak, of any kind. Joy will do it too ToyBoy. Will start a cascade of emotion. A simple kiss between a couple can turn into a “WHY DIDN'T HE/SHE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO DO THIS!” Or the doubts start ringing... Questioning motives of the person you're with or even your own Motives come into question. I am not IN LOVE with you ToyBoy. Not yet. That part of my heart and my mind are closed for repairs. But you should know this already. You been in there with putty and a trawl patching holes. I hope you realize that. I think you do... But I do love ya. You have become more than a simple friend. Thank you for being so perfectly you! ///
Like my IMOM said, its now time for him to buckle down on a few things. Same with me. There are some things I wish to accomplish this summer. Sooner the better. I am allowing myself the end of summer goal time to complete.. But hey, I want it much sooner. A Scooter! Yeah i want a scooter, putt around town deal that will get me to places i need to go. I just cannot afford a car yet. And I want to be saving more by the end of summer too.. I know i can do it. I SHALL! I also want to finish one of the two projects i have been working on for over 2 years now. I can do it. Most is written already I just need to weave the parts together!
Anyway, the reason for the story to start all this. The old couple who never lived together but we're committed to each other. Tho i can honestly say i don’t think I will hold this view on love and relationships forever. But its an arrangement i have been finding very beneficial. And comforting. Even in the negatives that come with it. I kinda understand how the right people could find themselves very comfy in this kind of a relationship for so long. Its very good now. I dunno if i can see decades of it. Time flies when you're having fun tho. So lets see!!!
A break from the story of how we are where we are or what we are today. There are a lot of words i want to say. Things in my head tonight. I know you are going through a rough time my Toy Boy. I have spent most of the day only able to work and mull over the situation. It’s not fair, I've run into this guy who is so much like me in his thoughts, ideals, and desires in life. He seems to dig me as much as I do him. I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave. I don’t want to think about not being able to smell you again. See that smile. Hear that chuckle and hmmmmmm... I told you the other night I had a gut feeling. Despite anything you have said to me. Broken arm or cut. You recently started saying something that went more with what I felt in my gut was true about your feelings. “Fuck the broken arm its better to have known a Emmy Lou Marie than to never have at all” You don’t want to go. You want to stay here. And my gut tells me, I am a part of the reason. That’s what my gut is telling me right now. That all the little observations i have made. Despite your Wedges, and my walls. You do love me the same as I do you. You love what we are exactly as we are. Separate spaces, tease, visits and cake at midnight (or later). No matter your trial. No matter the negative you have shown me about you. And even despite the “Shit” (Wink) thats wrong with me in the negative. We are doing quite well in all of it. You have given me new insight into my Marriage. Into my Ex husband and it's given me a new perspective on it all. I know i have offered the same to you. My gut tells me I have made you feel as you have me. More human in the positive sense. Less iced over and empty. But not so full that you are bursting. I think I have given you “faith” again in..... whatever this is.. (lol) Or at least given you the opportunity that we do not have to be what is “normal” to everyone else. The whole “boyfriend and girlfriend” thing. I don’t like to be labeled. I hate it.
I am up and writing as you go off to do the “Hand off” I am seated next to you my hand on yer knee humming softly. Repeating to myself out loud that mantra “No matter the outcome, you will be OK.” Be strong. Be firm. Be kind. Be realistic. And please, I want her to be reasonable. If I did have any belief in a god i would prolly say a prayer tonight. Mostly I am just repeating that whole. “No matter the outcome, you will be OK.” over and over.
I hope you continue to do what you have since these meetings started. Give me a jingle when you get home. Be like whoa just got in. bla bla bla. I prolly will not be sleeping. I don’t think sleep is in the cards until I do hear from you. Oh Btw. If I haven’t told you already. I bought my last pack of cigs. Tracy is done I’m done no one here smokes so. Bleh! No more smoking here unless you don’t mind going outside alone for awhile
I wonder if they have got it yet. (readers) The whole setup of my letters. Some will have by now. others will just be confused.. Hopefully it’s still entertaining to some even tho its completely confusing like. “Lost”. I didn’t understand half the time what was going on but it was still fun to watch... ;D Ah now that i think about it I wonder if ya get it yet? *shrugs*
The other thing is how much Tracy likes you. That does not happen with her very often. She does not get attached so easy. You she has embraced and its a big thing for me.
“No matter the outcome, you will be OK.
No matter the outcome, you will be OK.
No matter the outcome, you will be OK.”
*humms*
Since the night he cooked a meal at that shitty lil apartment, me in the wheelchair barking orders on how. Smiling as i watched him cook the food I had wanted to. This was nice too tho. Things have settled some. I am mostly healed and we have moved out of that shitty apartment into a nice older house. With its own problems. We grew closer as friends and spend quite a lot of time together. I have learned more about his divorce/marriage and therefor him. I have also learned a bit about his wife. I was curious. I have never heard him speak badly of her. Just the frustration in the divorce which is normal. He says over and over he wishes he could give her everything she needs. That he still has a deep caring for her. It’s been very odd for me to be able to swallow the differences in the similarities with this guy. He has a lot of similarities to my ex husband. But the differences in those similarities are so strange. I am not even sure how to relate them properly. All i can say is, he has a more mature and adult mind, even if the little boy is out there too. Responsibility, compassion and understanding. he gots it!
So In this curiosity I did what any woman would do. I looked her up. Fuck you if ya say ya don't. Bitches be stalking. We cannot help it. Its in our DNA to get the info. To understand why, how, where, who, and when! Now it was the When I was most interested in. But in looking at her Facebook page i began to like her a little more. Very oddly a lot more. She has a similar mind as me. About politics religion and food bla bla. Same concerns for society. Plus she is artistic in her own way. Making jewelry some of which is nice others *shrugs* but that's just taste not design or care in making her merchandise. I told em I did it. I hide nothing! I also told him i kinda liked her. And I get it, why he liked her. ;D Yeah shes cool chick. But like all of us. She has cracks.. Damage, and she is doing the best she can i think like we all are. I went back in her profile to where the separation happened by his timeline. No real change in her posts. What was there during that time, it was understandable and she is good at making her points when she wants to be.... Good girl! ;D
When I told him he just kinda giggled. he asked some questions, about her jewelry mostly. Told him exactly what I thought. Some was nice some was Meh and whatever its not a bad hobby. Not at all....
I have to say this weekend was nice. he first came over after his meeting with her and just vented a lil. laid out on the bed and smoked out with a snuggle ending and off on his way. The next night he came over for dinner. This was interesting. About a week ago Kim, who I had mentioned before I Know I have she kinda stayed with us for a little while after her own lil interpersonal break down. Girlfriend of 5 years broke up with her in a text message... Really? Grow some balls for fuck sake. 5 years at least deserves a cup of coffee and a doughnut. In return for staying with us she bought some good solid meat to put in the freezer, This huge cut of Meat. And some chicken Breasts BIG ONES. While she was cutting the steaks up off that piece of meat I said to myself. That does not look like steak. It looks like roast. I don’t thing how she is cutting it will work so well in cooking. but I swallowed it and moved on.
When my Toy Boy came over this Saturday we pulled out them “Steaks” and did em up on the grill. Once we got to the table i realized i was right. Trying to cut that steak with all the connective tissue not broken down by a slow ass cooking. So impossible! They tasted amazing tho, what ya could chew that is.... Actually they were very tasty.. Sweet potatoes very yummy.. Corn on the grill.. And strawberry shortcake for dinner. Home made with real heavy whipping cream with a bit of sugar and vanilla to add YUMMM... The lil Biscuits my mom used to make for it. I even rolled it out on the counter top! the meal was awesome and when we got to the shortcake. Ahh even i was surprised how good it came out.
In the past few weeks I came to a realization. Toby fought me all the time in cooking for him. He kept saying that I have to stop taking on that gender role all the time. And he fought me and my wanting to cook for him. Now I love to cook. I actually am most happy when I am making something for people i love. Now i don’t doubt, Or didn't at all doubt he was fighting it for that reason. But it wasn't the whole story with him. I could kinda feel it. So I trapped em the first time. I was gonna be spending the night at his house and I wanted to cook something for us for dinner. Light tasty and Numm. So I did Banana Peppers stuffed with feta and mushroom stuffing. Was good he ate it all! He was mildly impressed. it wasn't my best but in my defense. I was working with a bachelor’s kitchen.
Second time he was over in this new house helping Tracy figure out some tech issues, both hardware and software. And I decided to make a Pork Chop with apple n’ raisin dressing that my Ex husbands mother introduced me to... The look in my Toy Boy’s face when I said I was making pork chops was utter EW! But he smiled the look off his face and said “I am sure it will be lovely Emmy Lou Marie” So as I am making this meal i am just like. “He’s Picky” But when he sat down and took a bite of that chop and dressing he grinned very wide. Later telling me when I said pork chops he had flash back to his mothers plain dry chop on a plate with veggies and rice. But that it was genuinely good. After this the invitations to dinner went without any argument “Righty’o seisures later Babes” (See you later) Since then he has dined on Baked Ziti Steak n Strawberry short cake, I know there was other things but. Meh Point is. He learnt to trust me!
I loved the surprise in your eyes Toy Boy as you ate the first bite of that pork chop. I love how gradually as you have eaten with us you have become more and more “happy to” eat over. I am more than a little glad you like.
Don’t ever think its a put out. I do not offer to cook, if I do not want to. It relaxes me. I do it because it brings me joy. So stop complaining about my wanting to cook meals. Its part of what I do to feel as if I contribute more situation!
That’s it no more NyQuil before bed. I just woke to a dream wherein Leonard Nimoy was trying to get me to touch his dick. I mean I have been having an odd fascination with the logical lately. And people with a kind of intelligence. But there are a million non fictional intellectuals out there who would fit the bill. Why would I choose a fictional one? It’s just not logical!!! (laughs) I guess I should say “Spock was trying to get me to touch his dick.” Because he was in full on Star Trek garb and spoke like his character as well. Then, I got a jingle from My IMOM. He had finished a meeting and wanted to come by. Makes me smile he still asks. As if I will ever say no. “Mind if I pop by” Always, any time of day (or night) Babe.... Does he realize I would never say no?
I wonder?
Now I am gonna summarize the next few weeks in two simple words. “Roller Coaster”. Well that’s 2 words but you know what I mean. I've had my Rebound and quick “Flick of my Bic” Since I Separated from my Husband. Went through the whole “swear off men” I don’t need em and the “so lonely I could die” phase. My IMOM is going thru the same thing. Almost same time frame. Only, His divorce is not final. I have no idea who had it easier. Him or me going through this. I did want to say i had it easier, but, I can’t, In raising the pros and the cons. The angry phase with the divorce. The survival mode people go into when it is going on. He got to spend Out and Doing. Parties, and even a woman (or two). I was locked up and sick. Recovering and trying to get myself situated and ready for a uproot. Living with my husband until I was able to move here to S Florida. So that put a serious damper on my “let off steam” possibilities. I Quit smoking pot drank only occasionally. It was hard to be in the same house as him. Now, flip side. My IMOM, he has been separated with a brief attempt at reconciliation. So there was a little more freedom. My Divorce is now final took 3 months after I left NY for that to happen. His is not. So, Now I am free and he is heavy weighed down even in his freedom in getting all this taken care of. So I think it evens out. each experience is as shitty as the other... I have a feeling the feeling of Release when its all over is just as Oddly Wonderful too...
Toy boy, I have to tell you I am glad to be here at this moment in your life. Seeing this thru your eyes has been oddly helpful to me. You said it before, the similarities, just uncanny. But i guess that is just more proof that you are right. None of our experiences are truly individual. I Mean it when i say. Whatever you need.
I mentioned before that he kept from the beginning telling me he was doing what he calls “Putting in safety wedges” with me. Reminding me he may have to leave the country if he cannot afford what his wife asks for and wants and paying the prices in the USA for living. The next few weeks was a process of laying them out. Making sure I would protect my heart, Because as he says “It’s better to have a scratch or cut and avoid a broken arm” he insists everything ends. Both of us struggle with the internal voices both sirens singing “songs of doubt” and the angelic voices saying to never give up on love, companionship or Intimacy. So he and I both drew close and pulled away in our own ways. We got together just about every time he had the ability to come out. I still do not have transport but I bet ya I get a scooter before the summer is out! ;) Yeah, I’m gonna be one of those..... *laughs evilly*
As adamantly as he put them wedges in, I put up my walls. Not all of it was defence of my heart. Some of it is simply lessons learned about people, “love” the illusion, and “love” the reality. There is a difference. This experience with him has taught me even more about it. Summarized and clarified the lessons taught to me by my marriage and divorce. Love doesn't conquer all.. Love does, however, adapt Love does not consume. It can immerse. Love does not forgive all things. If there is love. mutually there is no need to forgive. But simply to understand. There are also different kinds of love. Ahhhh! Back to my days as a Jehovah’s Witness... Agape love? There were others too I can’t think of it... Oh Google.. Yes. Google!
Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē[1]) means love in a "spiritual" sense.
Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.
Storge (στοργή storgē[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection.
There ya go! Four faces of love. The more of those faces are shown in a relationship, the deeper and more intimate it becomes. What I love about my IMOM, is there is no demand on either of us or expectation on either of us to have any or all of those facets of “love” We are what we are when we are together and separate we are still the same people. Its a good feeling. Taking the good and the bad and seeing the good in it outweigh the bad is a wonderful thing!
Back to the summarizing of the past couple months. it’s been three in total. Half my time here and away from my Ex. The first 3 I spent acclimating to being “alone”. Sleeping alone eating alone and being with myself and it being ok! Learning to live and make my way without another person in the mix. Its been good. Next logical step has happened in my trek to who I will be after the marriage. The kind of Relationships i want and how i see myself in the next one.
During this time I got sick. Now I am diabetic as I mentioned before and i had a nasty reminder of the evil this disease can cause. During my marriage near the end my husband became less interested in my welfare and ignored it. I was out of work with a nasty injury from my job at home depot and unable to afford the food i needed or my Insulin let alone his own medications. . For almost 2 years I rotted. in the end i was very sick, and had an infection in my toe.. He kept telling me he didn't have the money for me to go to the Doctor. That it would have to wait. Then would get pot and stupid creature comforts. Even buying a Galaxy Tablet the day after i asked em to spare the 25 dollars for a doctor’s visit. Fast food alcohol. The toe got very bad. But i ended up in the ER and on lots of antibiotics. It seemed to clear up. Then, Long story short as possible I lost the toe about 2 months ago. Nasty infection. This was a moment of immense worry for me. Just met this guy. Really trips my trigger. I dig everything about who we are as “Companions” is how we tend to label it. Not a Boyfriend and Girlfriend. I’m too old for that. Not looking for the “game of courtship”. I’m looking for someone who hits me on a lot of levels to share the good and evil in this world with. A Positive counterpart. What is the first major thing we get to face in our relationship...? Parts of yer new Companion rotting and falling off. Super...
Like I said Toy Boy. Breaking ya in right.
Now, in the time i had been hanging out with my IMOM he told me more about his marriage. How his wife’s illness affected him. I got to see maybe a lil of what My ex husband was going through watching me be as sick as I was in the end. Humbling, and even made me soften my “feelings” concerning Richard. So before all this happened i knew the heart of my IMOM when it came to a woman who was ill in his life. How he reacted in some ways to his wife's illness. So when he drove me to the hospital and sat there with me until Tracy came to stay with me and then kissed my forehead telling me to let him know how things are going. He left, and this was the first time i noticed something about myself and my new outlook on relationships, specifically his and mine. I loved it when he was with me. I was fine when he wasn't. “Good with or without” It has been important for me to find that place with myself. Good with or without someone in my life. This was the first time i experienced that.
I was admitted for a nasty infection. My toe was just red at this point and severely swollen. The pain was unreal. Like my toes were full of boiling water and every movement i made pushed that heat against my skin. By the next morning, the toe was black and bleeding constantly oozing. It was terrible. I knew when I looked at it that morning it was gonna have to go. I cried, for a little while. Not long but the toe had been such a problem acting up at least once a month swelling and opening up. Once it was gone it was actually an odd release.
Enter a brand new set of insecurities.. I was now a amputee. I know i know and if another person says “It was just a toe” one more time I'll fucken scream. It was the last bit of what was rotted of me cut off and tossed aside from my marriage. It brought me back to a place I was before I left New York. Feeling that broken rotted person I was before I came to S Florida. Added to the extra weight on my body now i am deformed. It made it hard for me to feel at all human. Or, maybe i felt far too human?
He came and saw me. brought flowers and tea! such beautiful flowers. I couldn't get rich most times to set with me if I had to go to the ER or Doctor. This guy, came and sat with me at the ER came to see me in the hospital more than once. Even brought me flowers! What the fuck was i married to? *Boggles* Here's where we had a moment my Toy Boy and I. And this may be the first time he gets the complete whole and intact truth about how I felt the weeks after this surgery. I Know he reads this, he can’t help himself. He likes to see inspiration in people. And if HE is the one inspiring them. Its kinda a drug for him I think! But here comes the honesty. Even more so because i can take the time to tell it. In my own way and at my own pace:
I am sorry if I reveal anything in my head or heart that surprises. I just might. Because Like I said before. I tend to take things you say, the lil warnings you throw out your “Wedges” and let em sink in ponder and mull them about. So all of this will be AFTER I have been able to do that.
I never lie. But I do evolve and adapt. So here I go. It is all truth. Good, bad and ugly.
The whole time we have been seeing each other he insisted I date others. The whole “the next guy will not get away with anything with you Emmy Lou Marie” Urging me to learn from the people I meet so the relationship i end up cultivating in the end will feed all of my needs as well as his. (Whoever i end up with) And I did. A couple guys in the beginning. One needed a good swift kick in the balls. No was not in his vocabulary i do not think. When I got home from that date i talked to my IMOM. He seemed to take it as his fault at first. “I’m so sorry Emmy Lou Marie” Love it when he calls me that. Flows off that beautiful tongue so nicely, But shortly after that exp. I let him know i made a decision. I will only be sexually active with one person at a time. Now this does not mean I will not “date” I believe for him and I that's important right now. To date and explore and learn what it is we want after so many years of marriage. Rediscover ourselves. Timing was all about timing. Just before i ended up in the hospital. He went AWOL on me for a couple days. I knew something was up. I felt it. He came over one evening and sat on the couch. He wanted to hug me. I saw it. He had something to tell me, but he was stumbling on how to say it. Reaching out and touching me softly, then “Hmmmmmmm'ing" and pulling away a sec. He finally came out with what it was that was eating him up to have to say. He had spent a night with someone else he met on tagged. A girl he referred to as “china girl” one of his “Preferences” as he calls them. The Asian girls give his dick a twitch. As he was telling me the story, things she said. Her own honesty with him i smiled. For a week before this i had been sending him pictures and memes about Asian girls. I more than most, understand what he calls again “preferences” he likes the lil' Asian girls its his fantasies that fuel this. For me its big hairy bikers who can and will at times bend me over like *I* am a lil Asian.. *LOL* But it is just that. Fantasy for me. Not necessarily what a person wants or needs Long term. I was genuinely Excited for him. He got to feed a fantasy! I grinned and bobbed a lil in my chair “You finally got yer china girl?”
The look he gave me was disbelief. A wrinkled face as if he tasted or smelled something foul. He didn't believe me and my joy in what he had experienced. I think in the weeks that passed after that he learned to trust my words in this regard. I am human. it stung. But not as much as he may think. Then shortly after that I ended up in the hospital. Toe gone, and that's when what happened with his china girl affected me more. Kinda the whole straw that broke the camels back.... Ironically and I have no idea if he will ever accept this. It wasn't wholly him being with someone else. It was the insecurities brought back by my illness. and the feelings of inadequacy that welled up after the surgery.
So In the hospital, Attentive there for me chatting with me even video Skype at night. Was nice. near the end however of my stay. He had his first “rabbit reflex” concerning he and I.
He told me he didn't want to get swept away. Someone in the hospital called him my “Boyfriend”, Yeah, no, not a good term. He pulled away a little. Physically. And so did I, even tried to detach emotionally. I felt disgusting. In a wheelchair and using a walker after the surgery. I felt no kind of sexiness or at all like a woman. I pushed away most attempts he made to be intimate. Truthfully, and this only happened after the surgery. He touched me and I felt ugly. I wasn't a lil healthy china girl. I was heavy, broken and just didn't feel i could be naked or with him. All i thought about was this cute Chinese girl with all her toes.. Cute lil oriental feet. And I was... Well me! From the beginning, we made it clear we would date others. *I* from the beginning told him My decision to be with only him sexually does not mean he has to do the same. Condoms... hey? Its just MY way of keeping shit simple. You fuck a lot of people and things get complicated. I reiterated, I had no expectations of him. I liked my IMOM for who he was, Not what he will give me. I enjoy his presence on every level. And we didn't need to fuck to be friends. We were beyond that. But i couldn't bring myself to be with him. Combo of the effect of another woman in his bed and the amputation. Ruined me sexually and upset my ability to be intimate. Timing... For the win! I even had a hard time being in his bed. Those questions i hope others ask... That it isn't just me with them ringing doubts and worries... “Why would he want me here?” Why still pursue me when he has the possibility of his “preference” in his world? Took me weeks to work all that out in my head. Assign the right reactions to the right actions. I REALLY was tickled he got his fantasy. I really didn’t care that he was with another woman. I was more Worried about why he was with me still like we were, after the fact. Always believing the other one is more desirable that me.
Well forward now to release from hospital. Home and recovering. Moved in with Tracy and T. This wee lil apartment. SO Small. cramped 3 adults one child. It got hairy at times. Close corridors. little or no privacy. Was a good test of our ability to live together like we are now. Which I will get to later.
He continued to come by. Foot up, on painkillers. I was bitter, after the surgery. But inevitably. He calmed me when he came. He would sit on the couch and cuddle chit chat and smoke. About all i could let myself do it curl up next to him or with my head on his chest and relax. It felt good tho to do that! He was patient. He kept coming back. Eventually i felt myself wanting to feel him again. Him to feel me. He began to relight the fire that had gone out after the hospital and surgery. I was gonna cook him a dinner. Still in wheelchair but I wanted to do something nice. When he arrived that night Tracy and T went out and it was him and me. He wouldn't let me lift a finger. He brought flowers again! I love that. Flowers. I have gotten more flowers from this man that rich gave me our whole relationship. It’s been perfect.
I sat in the kitchen in my wheelchair and told him how to prepare the food. Scallops and Asparagus. side salad. And a fruit salad for dessert. simple easy yummy! I love to cook. I am also, at risk of sounding arrogant, a damn good cook. All he has by this point tasted of my cooking was Stuffed banana Peppers with feta and mushrooms. Was quite good... And even this night HE cooked, not me!
I cannot tell you how much this night meant to me my Toy Boy. You took care of me without making me feel inadequate. And I thank you for that. You patience has been unbelievably awe inspiring. At this point in our “Whateverthefuckship” I wanted to show you all of me other than the sexual. I felt the way you did. I think. Maybe we fucked too soon, but *shrugs* its over and done now I wanted to move on to showing you more of who I was. I want to thank you for letting me do so. And also doing the same for me. Showing me a lot of who you are... Good and Bad.
I look forward to, no matter how long we have to do so, learning as much as I can about you. And sharing everything i can of me with you in time. No matter the time frame or who we are or what we become. I am enjoying the journey. The destination is unimportant.
