Letter 8 - Selfish Plea.

This one is just for you my ToyBoy.   You gave yourself that title,   I am not sure it fits really,   It's cute and I am about to request him in full force.


  This next 10 days is going to be a difficult roller coaster.     After we said goodnight on Skype I went out for a smoke with Tracy.   I told her how I felt.  Explained to her why I was so moody as I figured out why finally.   Or at least I am finally fucking  fessing up to the real issue.  (wanted Alliteration there very badly any reason to use the word  "fuck" ;x )    I have said it before this anniversary is gonna kick me good.   But I know now that's why I am feeling so unappreciated.   The emotions I am having over the memories of this time last year are effecting how I am taking what people do around me now.  

  Tracy reminded me of something else about last year.    His asking for the divorce might have been the final blow,  but he broke me long before that day.  The day he asked for the divorce I gained some power.  I started to really hit on what needed to be for me and my future,  for the first time seeing one without him.   I started to learn to live again.  I still am and will be for a long time.    I am not sure how I will react.  I do know what I need.  And you know by now this is not the norm for me.   I  got over asking for what I want with Richard.  Both because he would reject me or Do it with a "yeah sure ill do it for you again" kind of begrudging attitude most of the time.   So I don't generally ask for what I want or need.   Even now as I am about to say this. Its not a request.  It's general information about me.  I feel as if another thing Tracy said tonight is exactly right as well.   "There is nothing saying you cannot say what you need to get through this rough week.  Make it known and then let it ride."   

  I need Patience,  I am kind of back in a mental place where I anticipate rejection.   So I am having a hard time swallowing compliments,  or any form of kindness from people around me.  I do not know how to react.  Sometimes searching for the hook in the bait, even when there is none.  Its something I fight a lot.  Usually in silence and becoming very withdrawn and cold.   It does not last long.  So please patience with my scattered,  unfocused, and partially detached behavior.   I am not at all mad at you or trying to be difficult.  Feel free to tell me if I am.  I can take it.  ;D

  I need to not feel disposable.  Its what happened with my divorce.  Not even his family knows the reality of what went down.  They didn't need to.   the reality is I broke,  and he threw me away.  At least he keeps all the electronics that breaks on a shelf to possibly "Fix"  later.   I was to expensive and extensive a repair job.  Disposable.  

  I need to feel appreciated.   Everyone does,  I know.  I never feel anything less with you.  ;D  like I said information.  Not necessarily pertaining to you!   I would do what I could when I was sick or had to be off my feet majority of the time to heal.  I stayed up or got up when he got home to cook dinner.  Make coffee, chat and enjoy time.   His response was "I never asked you or told you to do that"  Unappreciated.

I need to feel needed?   Yeah,  I need some neediness   Its odd,  but it's true.  this one can change on a dime however.   I might need to not be needed or need to need at some points..  For this I refer you to "I need patience"  ;D

  But it wont last too long.  May not last long enough for you to notice to badly.  But it is where I am at right now.   I believe, however, that you are coming on the same point too.  So I know that there has to be some sour there for you too.  Especially in light of the fact its not over for you yet.  I understand too.   

Fuck as I write this I feel like a Selfish bitch.  I don't know what to think!   I also find myself uncertain of some of the entries!    Isn't that awesome!  *sigh*    Unfortunately I am the kind of person who also if not given anything I need,  I swallow it.   This is the reason its coming up on me now from last year.   I had to swallow a lot.

  But you and me are different in this way.  When yer sick you wanna be left alone.  I want snuggles and soft words.  There's the lil girl..  *sigh*  

  I am surprised how much its effecting me.  This one year bull shit.   But it is and I am a little ashamed of it.  


  I am kinda lost my ToyBoy,  and I need to understand some things.  I need some light in the next few days.  And yes,  I am asking for it.  Not just from you but from all of my friends..  I hurt,  I will continue to work on being more positive.  Just need a lil help.  That's what I am asking for.   A Little Help.


 After talking on Skype with you just now a second time I realized.  1.  NO ITS NOT PMS!  I just got done so don't even assume....   2.    If i was there i would take care of yer issue.  3.  ♥