Letter 2 - The good, the bad, and the ugly.

 That first  “Date”   I need to remind that He and I had only spoken for a Max of 24- 48 hours Both online and in person.    That's it.  This night showed me something about him i took note of but kept in the back of my head until i learned he pays attention all the time.  And it was subtle.  HE remembered i like surf and turf so made sure to pick a place he thought had good variation.  

It was good dinner good convo.  He could tell I was nervous but he rode it.  made me feel comfy as possible.   He always does eventually.   make me comfy.     We ate talked about everything you shouldn't in a social situation like this.  Sex Politics religion.  Yet we sat grinning over it and not wanting to kill each other.    We split a piece of cake,  I learned fast he is a cake fiend.  Loves his sweet treats.  I’m sorry but all i can see is the fig newton commercial where the queen of England is holding up one of those crappy date filled cookies saying  “Let them have tea and cake”.  LOL    And he took me home.   Opened doors,  picked up the bill,  told me i was beautiful.   And he started to do something even now I  just roll my eyes at.  “So you should remember “The next guy should do this all the time,  the one after me,”    I took those words and kinda put them in a pot on the back burner to stew.  They are still there.  Slow cooking.  I simple reply to him when he says those things,  I do not live in the past or the future.  I experience the now.  so i don’t trip over something underfoot and fall flat on my face.   Live in the now.  Never mind the future”

 I went home and we spoke a lot via the net.  He lived in a city about 20-30 min from mine which for me was perfect.  “The Jeweler”  lived on the same street as me.    I like the idea someone has to call before they come..  ;D  I like a warning.   I also like my own space.  I don’t wanna share right now..  I almost want to say I don’t ever want to share my space again.  I can’t say that, life changes and you with it.   A lot of out talk over the next couple days was over Skype.  Religious debate or sharing our stories of divorce and all that comes with it.  Mine had been finalized a month and half before he and i met.  His was and still is waiting to be settled.   The honesty with which he spoke touched me deeply.  He was honest about his desires in his life and what he wanted from the future.   I knew where he was at emotionally at least in some way.  I knew the pressure and stress the stage his divorce was in was going to be a roller coaster.  But he surprised me with how he was caring for his wife.  He loved and cared about her.  His kindness to her was not just to keep her happy so she didn’t want to fuck him hard in the Divorce but because he also cared about her.  He really does.  She is sick, dying from cancer, and he is wounded by it.  I am sure there is some guilt there too as there always is when a marriage dies on both sides.  Even if its not admitted.  He sees the beauty in people.  He is a lot like me.  As fucked up as a person may be,  there is always a beauty.  I dig till I find it,  then i decide if its worth the ugly.   He seems to do the same.

 Odd bird this one.  His mouth says “no no!”  his hands and eyes say  “yes yes..!”    He warned me he tends to run away when he gets uncomfy.  Luckily I am the kind who can read a person well.  The next few days he told me his Birthday was the up coming Thursday.   He was upset because he wouldn't have his car for his birthday and,  in a very unconvincing manner, said he would rather be alone anyway.  A lot in his head and he wasn't sure to be good company.   Well I could tell he was speaking, at the very least, a half truth.   As if to avoid disappointment its easier for him to just not expect anything.   Later that day a Wednesday he sent me a text.    Now he had protested any visits or wanting any companionship on his birthday,  but I  could tell he was just being...  in his own words,  “Self Sabotaging”   When he sent this text I knew i was right.  Basically saying if i ever need it,  here this is my  address/ apartment number/ gate code.  Ending the message with “In case you ever need it.”    I made preparations to get a ride out to his place for his B day.  My best friend Tracy worried me at first.  I hadn't really told her about our convo at length and she was worried i was pushing myself  and my company on him.  But I kinda washed off the doubt and got her to toss me a ride out to his place.  

 Now before this in the week or so we spoke via net after we had that first outing together we talked a lot about the sexual.  He was in the same place as me.  Loved the build the tease.  Loved the touch and cuddle.  He, like me, was not necessarily looking for sex right away.  Just all the cool foreplay we could get as we got to know each other.    It was candid talk,  dirty at times practical at others.  But we voiced a lot of our hangups both on a personal level and as far as others go.  We talked about what turned us on and how we felt in our skin when it came to sex.  When I went to his house I went dressed nice.  Tracy talked me into wearing that damn green bra again.   Don’t get me wrong it looks nice but is a lie..  And as soon as I got there i took it off.  

 Nerves both sides.  He paced i paced.   I sat on his couch,  which incidentally looked as if it would be completely uncomfy,  but ironically i have since then melted into it quite comfy...    White above the knee sundress hair done but not crazy fancy I felt pretty.  He had the widest grin.  I could tell he was glad i didn't let him hide on his B day.   He has this weird thing he does when he is mentally filtering something he would like to say but isn't sure he should....  “Hmmmm”    he humms and purses his lips with a crack of a grin on his face.  I know hes stifling his thoughts when he does this now..  And its actually quite endearing.  To hear his mind work is definitely a pleasure..      

Letter to My International Man of Mystery

 Well I see this is gonna evolve for me if you insist on showing up with a surprise like plugging into each other this afternoon was.    There will be interruptions in the flow!  But then,  it will be an opportunity to further weave a web that will help people feel the roller coaster like we do.  And its OK ups and downs,  Sweet n sour as if I don’t say it enough.  So perfectly timed.  I have no idea how you do that,  timing.  Perfect.   and No matter the outcome.  Its always a wonderful release!    

  Please, also, keep in mind that I am serious when I say.  You are not an Option for me.  You are THE option.  Period.   You are first on my list firmly and perfectly.  Honesty always,  i will never lie to you about this stuff.  I will let you know if anything changes in that with you.  I don’t however see it happening.

 Where was I before I was so perfectly Interrupted?  Ahh!   His Birthday.   Lets just say we both loosened up a lot.  The wine?  The smoke?  Maybe just the vibes? (I'll Never tell)  We began to share on many levels.   There was a buzz around my body. An  Aura static and lit up and it was reacting and interacting with his so well.  I haven’t been naked in front of anyone like this other than my husband in years.  *I* tore off that lil white sundress.   *I* straddled him on the couch and took in his scent.   Whatever the reason,  it makes no difference.  I was uninhibited,  and i was gonna have him.  And i did,  and he me and for hours we played then stopped then played then stopped,  I came 12 times in the course of the night.   I was completely exposed and experiencing complete ecstasy.    

 He ate me like i was the most delicious treat he ever had.  I did the same we touched and talked.   The talk,  The sharing during sex,  That was what made it for me.  Riding him and hes talking to me with that beautiful mouth and accent,  It felt so wonderful to feel so free.    We learned a lot about each other that night,  completely open completely honest and without any insecurities for a evening and it was perfect.     

  We fell asleep and woke to,  some seriously embarrassing shit.  Apparently tho i had not bled for 2 days,  my ovaries had decided well let's have one last shout out before we go till the next full moon!  Just like the Killers and psychopaths do in horror movies.  you think they are dead but.  Nope...    

 I was mortified,  I got bleach and some paper towels and rags and started scrubbing his sheets so embarrassed....  Mortified even.    I am about to cry and i look up from his bed and he has this grin.  but his eyes were like “AHHHH!!! My bed!!!”   But he was Grinning.  Hes a neat freak. bit of a germaphobe too i think.  Half choking on the words with laughter he tried to make a stern face and point with that English tongue mock scolding me  “that;s right clean up your mess you Dirty girl!”   He Kept laughing and wagging his finger laying next to me on the bed watching me work rolling a smoke and reminding me that its OK,  Normal human thing.   He handled it perfectly  he let me clean up my mess because it made me feel better and i'm sure he wouldn't want to have done that himself and made me feel at ease and as if he appreciated it.   Embarrassed.  But that grin and cheeky curl his voice gets when he is amused by something and cannot help it.   A Priceless giveaway.  And I learned that over and over because in the coming weeks,  me leaving him dirtier than He arrived to my home is a running theme and something we keep on joking about.   Let me put it this way,  Recently we went to a linen store and he got some “Darker colored sheets”     Yeah..  I know...  He mid as well run out and got me tampons.  that kinda sweet and considerate and accommodating that really  rocks a chicks socks.  

  Now after we get done with that lets add some Embarrassing icing to the cake..  And this is where a perilous time in my new life started.   We were walking around the apartment doing our morning stuff and found lil red spots on the floor.   I examined them and realized what they were.  I am Diabetic.  I have sores on my feet on occasion and when I looked and saw I had one on my toe from while i was married that had opened up.  Leaving lil red splotches all over his tile floor.  So there i was on hands and knees wiping up every spot i could find.  *sigh*   Nice way to introduce myself to him.   Same grin standing there watching me as i wiped up the lil spots we were finding mortified but smiling.  

Eh.  Breaking ya in right Baby.  That’s all that is.

 Point is,  he kept coming back..   The following weekend we went out to a Birthday bash with my Best friend and her Girlfriend.  Was a good time,  another night of electricity.  Good times but also a lil oddness.    First off at the actual party,  a place called Rosie's I believe.  The food was good,  atmosphere perfect.  Because its south Florida the entire place was open.  No walls kind of like a beach hut restaurant.   The main thing caught my eye is their logo is a dark haired pinup type looking woman who was a little larger than most.  Perfect look for a place like this called “Rosie’s”   Reminded me of the AC/DC song,  “Whole lotta Rosie”

  A lot of people showed up to wish Tayana a happy b day.  They got very,  ahh what’s the word Loose.  So did My IMOM and I.  But we ended up,  as much as Tracy will try and deny or refuse to believe it.  became the parents Mommy birds.   I walked away from him for a moment and came back to him talking to a Member of the roller derby team.  I think her Derby name is Gogo.  (I may be wrong)  Anyway he was obviously uncomfy a bit but amused nonetheless.  I knew it for sure when as I approached i heard him going “Mmhmmm”  Mmmmmhmmmm,..”   He saw me coming and reached his arm out to wrap around my waist and pull me in.  Looking me in the eye this sarcastic twitch in those wonderfully  shaped lips..   “Well your friend here wanted to know who we are.  Or What we are. Am I your boyfriend?   What would you say?”   

 Gogo saw the uncomfortable look in my eye and gave me a sinister grin and said he simply told her “We are enjoying our time and seem to be going that way yes.”  My IMOM squealed and whined just a lil at the fact he couldn't see me squirm anymore trying to answer the question myself.   I simply said  “Yeah that sounds about right.  We don’t like to label.  It is what it is.”

 We met a lot of people that night.  A few pics and whatever to commemorate.  Before we knew it we were trying to get a very drunk Tayana and Tracy into the car to go to the next stop of her Birthday Caravan.   A strip club,  Being as Tayana and Tracy are lesbians it made perfect sense.    I was excited to get there.  Sit around watching women bob and weave.  I may not be a lesbian.  But I can appreciate a talented Erotic Dancer.  Tho I am not really into the raunchy type.   More Burlesque.   Tayana was running around talking to everyone.  It seemed every step we took toward My IMOM’s Shaguar  (Jaguar)  we just went a few steps back as she saw someone to say hi too across the street.   Tracy wandered off into another parking lot to talk to a Derby girl.  It was funny  He and I left standing in the parking lot where his car was parked waiting to catch another glimpse of them flashing out onto the main street.   

 Finally they get into the car and we head off to the next stop.   I loved to watch him get behind the wheel of his car and take off.  The lil boy and his toy come out and the grin is awesome.    We got to the Strip club and were met in the parking lot with another of the Derby Girls handing out shots of some kind of Tequila and whiskey.   Now I was excited to get there.  The night before this was spent helping a sweet lil gay boy get thru a bad trip.  Poor thing got fucked up and didn't like how he felt.  I took him off into a corner and tried to help him pull away from center a lil.  To open up and feel more and not analyze what he was feeling.     A cute boy.  Sweet and insecure.  He shouldn't have been doing his particular party favors that night.  I was glad to learn her later found his feet and enjoyed himself.   Meeting cool new people.  Kim a real Boi who makes me smile often as she’s become kinda a fixture in our motley family...    

 Now the strip club.   OK,  let me premise by saying i was really excited I dig strip clubs.  Tho I have a problem with plastic girls.  I like em real soft.  Not fake and too bouncy.  On top of it all the atmosphere there was all wrong.   I dunno was not comfy to me.    The energy was sick and wrong.    I really can’t explain it.  So he and I made sure they were all set and could get home and left.  Back to his place but making sure the girls knew if they needed to drive anywhere we would come back and get them..  The rest of the night was..  Off the energy got a lil dampened and we spent most of the night cuddling and chatting away.  Darker yes.   But more because I know he wanted to be driving around.  We took a walk down and around his lil lake talked cuddled  Me all wrapped up in his silk robe on the couch sharing more emotionally and very lil physically.  listened to classical music and fell asleep.  It was a good night even tho it ended on a bored and uneventful note.  It was actually perfect.”

Note to my International Man of Mystery.

 there is so much more in my head then comes out Toy Boy.  I fuck with you and how you over analyze,  but i do it too.  a lot.  Its just mostly in my head when it’s serious shit.  That’s why i say in every profile,  “I am the most dangerous when silent”   Because I'm mulling things over Compartmentalizing, or generally trying to absorb something that has happened. But  It does not always mean I am angry sad or in any way upset.

 You're in them,  my fantasies.  I dunno why it took so long,  and it happened so accidentally,.  You just popped in,  every bit of what i keep with me when you are not around.  Yer scent,  the way you Hmmm when u are stifling something u want to say or don’t want to say as it were.  your furry belly and your big wide smile.  The pout frown u give when you are trying to behave!  

 I’ve actually been writing like this for some time.  To you trying to the best way I know how get my Thoughts out so i can analyze them more effectively.    I wish I could even partially express what it is that does go through my head with you.  It’s refreshing to have someone in my life i don’t feel obligated or feel lost without.   I dun even know if that makes sense.    

 The fantasies and dreams are oddly rarely Sexual.  They are mostly comforting.  Cuddling and  very much warm and cozy.  That too is so nice.  I don’t feel sexual pressure with you.  It means a lot being as my sexuality is so fucked up as of late.    I cannot tell you how much that means to me.   I think i know why it is i have a hard time journalin' lately.  A lot of my feelings scare me.  I don’t like em even tho I love em.  *screams*   

You know what kind of shit I actually dream of as a little girl?   Say as early as 10. The kind that existed between Ladies and Knights. . The quiet but fierce,  behind the scenes forbidden shit

the kinda bounce off each other Chaotic. I lived that for a long time.  I was,  happy.  I didn't "Fuck a lot of people"  I just really Enjoyed sensuality I was healthier for it.  And I still have a lot of old Lovers turned long time friends I Didn't, before i got with rich play the One and only game I had a ONE But I only "teased" my "others"  they were amplifiers.

Now this weird mix of The person I was before the "Union"   And that Chick who really just nibbled at sensuality of all kinds.  I think its a "found my own sexuality"  Or Am Finding...

I've found so much gratification in the build up than anything.   You make me feel sexy.    That is a big accomplishment right now for me.  My Sexuality was rotted after he asked for a divorce.  Before him I was overcharged. Think of the stories Toy Boy.   You go on and on about the whole “Its better to have a cut than a broken arm.   TO hurt less when and if it ends.  Even if a broken arm happens.  The story of the journey. How you gained that scar.  That's how i look at it.

Even if u have to Shoot off (which I am gathering is more possible than u want it to be)

and we never see each other again.  So far its been one hell of a ride with all the peaks and valleys.  I am glad you have a bit of an emotional attachment to be honest.  when and if there is a sudden separation.  I know ya will be thinking of me. same as I am you

so Pffffffffft

Quit Worrying.  I enjoy sour candies a lot more than sweet.

O.o

I think I'm starting a new blog...

"Letters to my International Man Of Mystery"


Your presence soothes me. Its your voice, and your smile. I dunno why how or where it comes from but really. I was in a Scattered and anxious place when u came. I am no longer there. Sleep well my Toy boy. Dream naughty!