Letter 4 - Digging deeper, learning more.

   A break from the story of how we are where we are or what we are today.  There are a lot of words i want to say.  Things in my head tonight.  I know you are going through a rough time my Toy Boy.   I have spent most of the day only able to  work and mull over the situation.    It’s not fair,  I've run into this guy who is so much like me in his thoughts,  ideals,  and desires in life.  He seems to dig me as much as I do him.    I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.  I don’t want to think about not being able to smell you again.   See that smile.  Hear that  chuckle and hmmmmmm...   I told you the other night I had a gut feeling.  Despite anything you have said to me.   Broken arm or cut.   You recently started saying something that went more with what I felt in my gut was true about your feelings.   “Fuck the broken arm its better to have known a Emmy Lou Marie than to never have at all”   You don’t want to go.   You want to stay here.  And my gut tells me,  I am a part of the reason.  That’s what my gut is telling me right now.  That all the little observations i have made.  Despite your Wedges,  and my walls.    You do love me the same as I do you.  You love what we are exactly as we are.  Separate spaces,  tease, visits and cake at midnight (or later).  No matter your trial.  No matter the negative you have shown me about you.  And even despite the “Shit” (Wink)  thats wrong with me in the negative.   We are doing quite well in all of it.  You have given me new insight into my Marriage.  Into my Ex husband and it's given me a new perspective on it all.  I know i have offered the same to you.  My gut tells me I have made you feel as you have me.   More human in the positive sense.   Less iced over and empty.  But not so full that you are bursting.   I think I have given you “faith” again in.....  whatever this is..  (lol)   Or at least given you the opportunity that we do not have to be what is “normal” to everyone else.    The whole “boyfriend and girlfriend”  thing.    I don’t like to be labeled.  I hate it.   

  I am up and writing as you go off to do the “Hand off”   I am seated next to you my hand on yer knee humming softly.  Repeating to myself out loud that mantra  “No matter the outcome,  you will be OK.”      Be strong.  Be firm.   Be kind.  Be realistic.   And please,  I want her to be reasonable.  If I did have any belief in a god i would prolly say a prayer tonight.   Mostly I am just repeating that whole.   “No matter the outcome,  you will be OK.”  over and over.  

 I hope you continue to do what you have since these meetings started.  Give me a jingle when you get home.   Be like whoa just got in.  bla bla bla.  I prolly will not be sleeping.   I don’t think sleep is in the cards until I do hear from you.    Oh Btw.  If I haven’t told you already.  I bought my last pack of cigs.  Tracy is done I’m done no one here smokes so.  Bleh!    No more smoking here unless you don’t mind going outside alone for awhile     

 I wonder if they have got it yet.  (readers) The whole setup of my letters.  Some will have by now.  others will just be confused..   Hopefully it’s still entertaining to some even tho its completely confusing like.   “Lost”.   I didn’t understand half the time what was going on but it was still fun to watch...  ;D   Ah now that i think about it I wonder if ya get it yet?  *shrugs*  

 The other thing is how much Tracy likes you.  That does not happen with her very often.  She does not get attached so easy.  You she has embraced and its a big thing for me.   

“No matter the outcome,  you will be OK.

No matter the outcome,  you will be OK.

No matter the outcome,  you will be OK.”

*humms*

 Since the night he cooked a meal at  that shitty lil apartment,  me in the wheelchair barking orders on how.  Smiling as i watched him cook the food I had wanted to.  This was nice too tho.  Things have settled some.   I am mostly healed and we have moved out of that shitty apartment into a nice older house.  With its own problems.    We grew closer as friends and spend quite a lot of time together.   I have learned more about his divorce/marriage and therefor him.  I have also learned a bit about his wife.    I was curious.  I have never heard him speak badly of her.  Just the frustration in the divorce which is normal.  He says over and over he wishes he could give her everything she needs.   That he still has a deep caring for her.    It’s been very odd for me to be able to swallow the differences in the similarities with this guy.   He has a lot of similarities to my ex husband.   But the differences in those similarities are so strange.   I am not even sure how to relate them properly.   All i can say is,  he has a more mature and adult mind,  even if the little boy is out there too.  Responsibility,  compassion and understanding.   he gots it!  

 So In this curiosity I did what any woman would do.   I looked her up.  Fuck you if ya say ya don't.  Bitches be stalking.   We cannot help it.  Its in our DNA to get the info.  To understand why, how, where, who, and when!   Now it was the When I was most interested in.   But in looking at her Facebook page i began to like her a little more.  Very oddly a lot more.   She has a similar mind as me.  About politics religion and food bla bla.    Same concerns for society.   Plus she is artistic in her own way.   Making jewelry some of which is nice others *shrugs*  but that's just taste not design or care in making her merchandise.    I told em I did it. I hide nothing!  I also told him i kinda liked her.   And I get it,  why he liked her.  ;D  Yeah shes cool chick.  But like all of us.  She has cracks..   Damage, and she is doing the best she can i think like we all are.   I went back in her profile to where the separation happened by his timeline.   No real change in her posts.    What was there during that time,  it was understandable and she is good at making her points when she wants to be....  Good girl!  ;D  

 When I told him he just kinda giggled.  he asked some questions,  about her jewelry mostly.   Told him exactly what I thought.  Some was nice some was Meh and whatever its not a bad hobby.   Not at all....   

 I have to say this weekend was nice.   he first came over after his meeting with her and just vented a lil.  laid out on the bed and smoked out with a snuggle ending and off on his way.  The next night he came over for dinner.   This was interesting.   About a week ago Kim,  who I had mentioned before I Know I have she kinda stayed with us for a little while after her own lil interpersonal break down.  Girlfriend of 5 years broke up with her in a text message...  Really?  Grow some balls for fuck sake.  5 years at least deserves a cup of coffee and a doughnut.   In return for staying with us she bought some good solid meat to put in the freezer,   This huge cut of Meat.  And some chicken Breasts BIG ONES.   While she was cutting the steaks up off that piece of meat I said to myself.   That does not look like steak.  It looks like roast.   I don’t thing how she is cutting it will work so well in cooking.  but I swallowed it and moved on.   

 When my Toy Boy  came over this Saturday we pulled out them “Steaks”  and did em up on the grill.   Once we got to the table i realized i was right.  Trying to cut that steak with all the connective tissue not broken down by a slow ass cooking.   So impossible!   They tasted amazing tho,   what ya could chew that is....    Actually they were very tasty..   Sweet potatoes very yummy..  Corn on the grill..  And strawberry shortcake for dinner.  Home made with real heavy whipping cream with a bit of sugar and vanilla to add YUMMM...    The lil Biscuits my mom used to make for it.  I even rolled it out on the counter top!    the meal was awesome and when we got to the shortcake.  Ahh even i was surprised how good it came out.

 In the past few weeks I came to a realization.   Toby fought me all the time in cooking for him.  He kept saying that I have to stop taking on that gender role all the time.   And he fought me and my wanting to cook for him.   Now I love to cook.  I actually am most happy when I am making something for people i love.   Now i don’t doubt,  Or didn't at all doubt he was fighting it for that reason.  But it wasn't the whole story with him.  I could kinda feel it.   So I trapped em the first time.  I was gonna be spending the night at his house and I wanted to cook something for us for dinner.  Light tasty and Numm.   So I did Banana Peppers stuffed with feta and mushroom stuffing.  Was good he ate it all!   He was mildly impressed.  it wasn't my best but in my defense.  I was working with a bachelor’s kitchen.

 Second time he was over in this new house helping Tracy figure out some tech issues,  both hardware and software.   And I decided to make a Pork Chop with apple n’ raisin dressing that my Ex husbands mother introduced me to...   The look in my Toy Boy’s face when I said I was making pork chops was utter EW!  But he smiled the look off his face and said  “I am sure it will be lovely Emmy Lou Marie”   So as I am making this meal i am just like.  “He’s Picky”  But when he sat down and took a bite of that chop and dressing he grinned very wide.  Later telling me when I said pork chops he had flash back to his mothers plain dry chop on a plate with veggies and rice.   But that it was genuinely good.   After this the invitations to dinner went without any argument  “Righty’o seisures later Babes”    (See you later)   Since then he has dined on Baked Ziti  Steak n Strawberry short cake,  I know there was other things but.   Meh Point is.   He learnt to trust me!   

I loved the surprise in your eyes Toy Boy as you ate the first bite of that pork chop.  I love how gradually as you have eaten with us you have become more and more “happy to” eat over.  I am more than a little glad you like.  

 Don’t ever think its a put out.  I do not offer to cook,  if I do not want to.  It relaxes me.   I do it because it brings me joy.  So stop complaining about my wanting to cook meals.  Its part of what I do to feel as if I contribute more situation!