Letter 1 - Where did he come from?

 


I am rather upset with myself.  I haven't done any journalin' really since i moved to Florida and there is no real excuse for it.   A lot has happened with me and around me.    I feel like the transition I made from Married to Single woman again happened a little quickly and maybe a lil easier than I thought it would.   I worry sometimes about my ability to let something go as easily as i do..  Or seem too.  I lost Richard 8 months ago today and I am just not sure if i am right to feel this good.  But that’s one of those questions we seem to,  as humans,  ask ourselves  often.  Torcher ourselves with the past instead of enjoying the present and making the future as good as we can.  

  The past few months has been so weird.    The roller coaster sped up when I actually left our..  or,  His home in New York,   and I have loved the ride for the most part.    I have toyed with a lot that scared me.  I have had men in my bed and heart since Richard already.  And they all have had a lesson to teach me about the person I am becoming  after the past 12 years.   

Number one,  we will call “Jock Strap”   48 year old ex football player/coach.  Reminded me men of strong body and weak mind make me sick.  All sweat no tears.   No grasp of the emotional and the need for it if you want to really HAVE a woman in your world.  Met him at a after Derby game party.  A place called “Kim’s Bar”  in Ft. Lauderdale.  Was almost end of night.  And this guy walks up to me obviously fucked.   I Proudly was not.  And saw the signs of a lonely older guy who needed some electricity.   And I was in one of my moods.   Fuck it,  Need some too.  So I flirted with em.   Let him kiss and squeeze a lil before we parted and exchanged numbers.The next weekend he came to a bonfire at my friends house and we played a lil.  One night.  No real sex.  He couldn't if he wanted to..  and truly.  he did nothing to me.  The touch yes good feeling a mans hands on me.  A healthy man sexy for his age it felt good,  but no real reaction to him.  And sadly he had very little to offer sexually.  Just a goof.  One of those people who are shattered to the point they will never be able to really see things as they are.  Even for a moment.    He left and I never contacted him again.    Lessons learned:  Need more brain than brawn,  and i just don’t do shattered.

Number two,  Name for this guy.  Ahh  “The Jeweler”  He  i knew before my time here.   I was “his Jewel”  for a while.   But in a online venue only.  A sweet guy with alot of passion,  But confused.  Unable to separate healthily from the women in his family.   We fooled around some.   He couldn’t handle my “not looking for serious.  just want someone i can have some fun with and then fall back to my corner of the ring”  way of looking at relationships.  I will add “Right now”  to that.  I have no idea if i will ever be able to let someone in so deeply again.  I don;t want to even Think about that level of relationship.  To be honest i just want to fuck go out have fun and not worry about the shit a serious relationship brings.   Not be afraid to enjoy the Physical and not let the emotions get in the way.  he wanted me to Swallow him and he wanted to swallow me.   No,   No such thing for me..  Not now and I won’t say never but either way.  I will be happy in my life.    Cutting his lil shoot off my “friend/family/love” tree defo was a bit annoying.  But yes.  Lessons Learned.     A man who gets close to me has to be self sufficient.  He has to have put his mother in her place in his world as a grown man and be OK in public situations with me.   I do not do caveman..    And yes after Jockstrap then this guy.  I really need someone with more...   I literally sighed and hated my superficial outlook here.  But they need to have a bigger Cock.  I cant deal with nothing in that area.  And I won't.    OR at the very least,  they need to be able to make up for that..  Somehow.

Now before i get to number 3 there's a few incidental things I should mention.    I had gone very sour.   I didn't care about being around anyone.  A darkness set in with me.  I didn't see it till recently.   Me and Tracy her partner and my Next door neighbors and friends went to a Monthly fetish party at The Fetish Factory in Miami.   It was a good night.  Had been a long time since i went to a party like this.  I went there with so little fucken nervousness.  I felt in my skin.  Met a Latino Miss and her slave boy (husband by day)  she handed his leash to me and said to enjoy him.  And i did.  Lead him around even let him have a taste a smell of my his face buried in my crotch against my underthings..  Was divine.   I came he don’t know that.  It was gentile i was lit up...   Wouldn't have taken much anyway.   They have since wanted to hang out.  I just wasn't ready to get involved in that kind of a play date thing.    So i moved on took the energy and the personal growth that came with the experience..   Lessons learned.:  I AM desirable,.  I am beautiful sexy and a vibrant woman.  There are many men who would love to be near me.   I won’t ever doubt that again.    Ironic thing is.  I don’t need one close anymore.  Feels good to be in that place again.

My feet have been giving me issues 2 sores that appear to have gone about healing nicely on thier own.  I keep em clean and covered.   But when they opened up on my feet i got very Depressed.  Very dark place.  Even the new bit of empowerment i got from the good things around me couldn’t seem to clear away the darkness.  So I retreated,  didn't do much and got very depressed.   I had been maintaining some internet communications.  Joined a Dating site called “Tagged”   I really did it to laugh at people.  Was very surprising that Number 3 on my list is from that site.

 We chatted really for a few hours.  Something in me said i needed to meet this guy.   So 6 hours after we started talking I invited him to a St. Patty’s day BBQ.   Now i had only seen his profile and spoke to him enough to gather he was intelligent.  And cute.   When he agreed to come to this BBQ i didn't know what to do.  I was a lil Scared i invited some guy i met a day ago to meet me.   And I hadn't even dressed very well.  I looked like hell.  So when he drove up in his Jag and I saw this amazingly handsome Man get out of his  car..  I freaked a lil.   Then he opened his mouth.  English.  FUCK!   Body language thru the night told me he wanted to be closer.  But My Insecurities pushed the idea out of my mind.   He was gorgeous,  smart,  foreign and he was as Vocal about Religion and the many retarded things in life as i was.  loved a good debate.  So the whole time he was there i was comfy..   Nervous I was dressed a lil oddly nice but odd I work a green shirt and bra because thy were green for the holiday and my favorite jeans.   The Bra was a lie tho,.  One of them that put yer tits on a shelf.   made em look much bigger than they are..   I love and hate to wear it.   spanks to smooth all my ripples and curves out and.. A bandanna with starz on it.  Looked like hell but he offered to drive me home after a great lil time and convo with my friends,  who like him a lot too, I was a lil confused.  Why was this gorgeous smart English man interested in my presence.  So i actually shrugged off my nervous and invited him in after i cleaned up a bit,   Yeah first impressions and all that.   Was a Interesting evening.  I felt his touch,  not just on my body but i felt it deeper.  He touched because he really wanted to..  Lil cute things he did to get a view of my tits,  Like i didn't catch it.  Hes a boob man..  Very definitely.    from the beginning saying he was afraid he was gonna ruin me.  LOL  i understood more as the days passed.  

  He is in the midst of the Divorce Trial.     He told me a lot not everything.  Admitted his mistakes.   Repeatedly making sure i understood he was broken.  He don’t realize you can see it to look at him.  As handsome as he is he is broke,  and i am not sure hes put forth the true reasons yet,.  Hes giving more and more in that regard.  And I am listening.   He says he don’t think i really am hearing him when he says he will hurt me.   I know he will..  In some way..   We always hurt the ones we love.  No one else is important enough to us,  or us to them to hurt us as the ones we love or who love us.    ah if that makes sense!  WORDS!  

That first night was wonderful,  Passion, reservations breaking down lil walls..     When we came in i changed out of all that comfy clothing and into my comfy clothes.  Bra OFF and  just what was needed to relax.   I had my period and was somewhat grateful of that barrier.  I didn't want to fuck him yet.  When I Did fuck him I wanted to want it so bad i just didn't care about any of the insecurities,  I wanted to need to finish the build with him...   he touched my belly and my breasts his hands moved over the whole of me at time and it was very nice.  I didn't feel my mind disconnect like it usually does when a man’s hands move over my most hated body part.   My Tummy  legs ok back ass even but my belly..  but i was started by how much i enjoyed it for a brief moment and went back to the moment again and let my hands wander as well..    Now the shallow me expected disappointment again..   But i reached  up his leg was surprised very happily to find a nice sized......   Addition to the good in this experience.   And i felt my body tremble.  

 Enter ringing doubts,  the voice in my brain screaming..  He is only being nice,  or he is just that desperate,  to be willing to fuck me.    I wanted to enjoy sex and play again.  So far play was nice.   he touched me just right.  and I loved how perfectly furry he was.  Like a man should be without being a Bear.    His smell was wonderful.  Mixture of Male and shower gel..    I won't lie.  The accent was kinda  icing on the cake...  He could talk forever about absolute nonsense and the way his tongue played on his teeth.  His lips moved and  twitched..  The sound of his Elegant voice spilling out  of such a beautiful pair of lips i just was in heaven!  We decided to not to to far.  I woulda coulda shoulda...   But meh.. It got better!

  He went home and i went to bed.  I cannot tell you how he left me.  So lit up but even tho i was so excited i fell asleep.    When I woke the  next day i really figured i wouldn't see him again.   The same old insecurities screaming in my ear.   “he won't call again was a fluke,  no way a guy like that would pursue this person.  I am a broke mess with nothing really going for her.   Boy did he prove me wrong.  He popped onto Skype and started a chat.  Next thing i knew i was going on my first real date.      

 He picked me up at 7 and we went out.  Now i was so sick nervous.   Must have tried on like  8 outfits.  Decided on a black top and jeans.

Come back to that-

Letter to my International Man of Mystery:

“ I have to admit a few things to you.  Did it in text because i am so much better at this than anything else.  

 Your words did not hurt me in the way that a insult would.  But in the way that a not so comfy truth does.     I don’t think you totally get what you woke up in me.  The lil girl I talked about.  Trusting,  i trust you Toy Boy.  I need you to know that right now.  And I hear your every word..  I do not always know how to respond or process what ya say right away, which you have witnessed when  come back later  and I am, in my head,  in the middle of the convo with you after it has already passed.   

When you look at me with that evil cheeky grin i see a look I haven’t in over a decade.  And then I question myself.   Am i seeing it or am i imagining it.  Is that want?  And then I get angry..   of all things,  at my husband.  I KNOW what I am capable of.  I KNOW who i was before i fucken decided to settle down and give my heart away.  I know.  

wtf was wrong with rich

he had this  (Baling now) Balling

this woman that you seemed to enjoy lighting up.   And he let me rot.. I almost died.  I let myself be pushed to a point i didn't care about myself enough to fight.  For him,  My own needs and our marriage,

I am still trying to fucken gather up the energy to believe i am worth this person or anyone who wants to make my toes curl.   I am so fucken angry with him,  myself  and the time i wasted on .   

Now enter my IMOM,  where the fuck he came from..  meh whatever i dun care.  he has so far gotten past so many of my insecurities.   Broken down walls and damn hi m he HAS AWOKE the lil girl..  Which I am partially pissed at.  baby,  when she is out,  i feel a lot more.   With her comes a desire that scares me.  I want to surrender to it.  So badly..    She is very very very wounded.  and I am afraid if u get to see her too...  front and center it will freak you out.  

 Mostly because you were right and honest.  That part of me responds to that.    You have been so kind and good to me..  Its hard to keep her kinda under wraps.  

 I am not offended by you.  I understand,  i want to give you as much as you have given me in some way.  I need you to let me do that as well...”

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How do the writers say it when they want to sound over intelligent..?  Ahh  “But I Digress.”  Back to number three...