Letter 7 - Falling in love is hard on the knees.

  I am not really sure what it is I am going through right now,  but there is going to be a purge very soon..  Both internal and external.  I've felt this before.   Like an emotional boil is filling slowly..  trepidation anticipation.  Sometimes like the physical manifestation.  They will swell a bit and then go away.  Our bodies inner workings able to fight the infection instead of the last resort eruption that usually ends a long bout of severe pain.  The release is so great.  it's almost euphoric.    Is it the upcoming anniversary?  My Trying to get my feet back under me after this surgery put me off em for so long?  New Living arrangements that seem to do nothing but break down? Acclimating to life with a family feel again?   My ToyBoy?  

  Take a lil of each of them things,  throw em in a blender and hit puree.   Not that they are problems!  I am overwhelmed and learning I really have a love hate thing when it comes to people. I can swallow a lot.  (Enter Olivia "That's what she said.")    *Rolls her eyes*  I really can swallow a lot of shit from people.  Because I know how completely and utterly human I am.  How can I presume to think anyone else should be anything but.


  Humans,  I really dunno if i like the fact that I am one.  A butterfly,  now there's a being to want to be.   You are brilliantly colored and flutter about smelling flowers until *poof*. I mean how often do you see a dead butterfly?  Mysterious is nice too.   I can even handle the whole caterpillar thing.  Some of them are just gorgeous,  but even if they aren't they are so lovely in their own way when they are butterflies,  or even moths.    A dog,  come on...   Lay about all day or play with chew toys (if yer one of the lucky who end up in a good home.)    Eat sleep get lots of pets and rubs and hugs...  Again a short life,  but really Like every living thing on earth,  ya can get dealt some shitty cards.   But if yer human,  you can consciously DEAL cards to people,   hand them some good cards or bad.   We make a lot of our own misfortune,  and its all ingrained.  Its our primal impulses that lead us.    Food, sleep, fuck, and everything we do daily is tied to those impulses.  Work,  get dressed,  shower,   clean our surroundings.   If we didn't need any of those things we would never do anything.  Humans are lazy,  just some have more motivation..  More desire to improve be do and see.

  My ToyBoy will be here tonight in a short time.  I am half looking forward to it.  The other half is dreading it because if I don't tell him how I feel I will just run away.  With everything else i am carrying around emotionally about everything I need to let it go.

  And here he is.  I will continue after!  Ciao!

  I have fallen for him,  I told him tonight.   In the state I am in I wont even presume to know how me saying not that I loved him,  but that I feel I have fallen in love with him.. Has effected him,  Body Language says hes not put off at all.    Its a big thing and i wont even try to analyze his reaction.  It was eating me up not to say it.  I am glad I did.  Now its out there.  SO at least there's that release...    If I have learned anything in the Last few years is falling in love,  its not hard.  matter of fact its one thing we do weather we want to or not.    It's the after falling that makes a difference.

 I laid here in my bed,  with him, crying some there's been a lot in the past few days that have me flustered and frustrated.   Repeatedly telling him I was sorry,  I hate saying that I don't mean to.  I am not sorry I have fallen for him.   I am sorry it will make things more complicated for him in some ways.  I wish only to be,  a easy breezy thing in his life.   Right.....


  ///You got me wrong ToyBoy,  I am not saying I feel neglected!  My Angst is not with anything you have done.  Its frustration with having feelings like this so soon.  The anniversary of the day he kicked me aside is coming up, and its hurting,   So I am analyzing everything.  My struggle at this point is trying to not judge anything happening now by what happened to me before.  Understanding it is OK that I do not expect or desire the same things I once did.  Also,  I am trying to figure out what I am feeling exactly.   

  When I said i have never been the most important person in anyone's life ever in my life (in my own recollection)   My mother will say I was to her.  But I know that if at the time a soldier took me by the foot and raised me putting a gun to my head and telling my mother to choose.    Her religion,  or her daughters life.  She would have muttered something about seeing me again in The New Order,  and that she will remain faithful to Jehovah God.   Bullet to a babies brain OK!

    You are right,  everyone wants to be someones number one.   I think that might be what I will need eventually in my life.  There may be a time when I will accept nothing but.   I honestly don't know if I can handle that right now.  So that is there as well.   When I said tonight  "I do not think I am the only one who is having a problem with that"  I meant I don't think I am the only one who has Fallen or is falling right now.  I think you are too and that's why you put those wedges in.   As much for yourself if not more than for me.

  I love ya because of what you have been.  I love you because I feel no pressure.  I love you because its not "serious".   I love you because yer not up my ass 24/7.    That does not mean I don't miss you,   I do.   I am also well aware you are busy and in the middle of something.  I am not complaining.  I am Exclaiming.  I did so expecting you to never be seen from again!  But i had to fess up.   I feel better that I did.   

  I also see the obstacles .  I see the ups and downs so far.  One thing My marriage did is teach me not to ignore the lil red flags.  The don't necessarily mean DANGER.  They just mean "Pay Attention!"   I've learned to do that.   An example,  When I was pregnant in Orlando with Richard and some of his friends.  One of them took a swing at me.  His pregnant Girlfriend.  He did not budge.   That is a Warning red flag.     One that should have been seen with Richard and wasn't but I see with you is  "Out of sight out of mind",  this is a warning red flag.   Unless I was in his presence I was not on his mind.    I think and have thought,  however,  with you it is as you say  that you are busy.  Trust me I get it.   There are still no worries there.   I am learning to balance some emotions.  That's all me.    I do Love you.  And like i said in a earlier letter:  Love does not conquer all,  it does not forgive all things,  it does not swallow you.   Love Adapts,  is understanding and can immerse.///