Letter 5 - At a distance.

 There was this couple I knew while married,  I used to scoff,  and frown when people talked about them.   What an arrangement.   Now Details Details..  See,  I have this problem I cannot remember if they were married or not.  I believe so..   Or at least together for so long (I mean Decades)  That they basically were.    Now this couple they were odd.  I saw them together twice I think.  Both of them Bent over old now.   That age where if ya found that person to spend your life with you would, by this point in their lives,  be sitting in armchairs in front of a TV or on a porch swing literally laughing about the stupid shit they did and saw during their now close to ending lives.  But these two,  not them.  For one they were too busy keeping moving in their lives than to stop and be old...   

 Even at our wedding,  He was taking pictures.  Tho he was in every other picture I saw taken.  either taking a place last minute right up front of everyone else taking pictures,  or going from another angle and u see him in the background snapping his own.    Just adorable.   She was like a open minded (for her generation)  socialite type.   Good at socializing and not offending even in criticism.    The kicker with the pair.  They never lived together in their whole relationship.   He had his home and I believe it was quite far away.  She had hers there in NY.  They saw each other pretty often but they just never saw the need to “Cohabit” I dunno if I spelled that right or not.   No little red lines so I am gonna say “SCORE!”   

 Now I was terrible when people talked about this couple.  How can she do that?  No way I need my Hubby around!!!   I could not fathom my married life being spent with my husband off and out and about always living his own life and leaving me to mine except for occasional sleepovers or vacations together,     What was the purpose of this lil back story?  Well let me start by saying,  I don’t have my glasses so if there are more misspellings than usual I blame a Rocking Birthday weekend for my Sister from another mister Tracy.    Just was one of them  Very good parties that leave ya saying “I did not do that last night?!?!?  wow way to go you!”  So  yeah everything hit kinda right.  Including the company i was with.   So When i took off my glasses and put them on the dresser in the Host’s apartment i kinda forgot em.  I know where they are so I am not worried.

 Tracy turned 32 this week (Friday)  We planned hard  Tayana.  She did the “Footwork”  I did food prep.  We really didn't need a lot of food.   This was one of them parties that people had party favors that Made eating a foreign Concept.   The cake,  i believe is still in the hosts fridge not cut into but people took a taste of the frosting.  Chewing and swallowing foreign,  sucking on sweet fingers,  perfect.  I made the frosting myself (with a lil help from my sis)    butter cream a Recipe learned from my ex Mother in law with a couple added bits of my own.   Was a good  job!  3 diff appetizers cake it was good lil hectic.  My sister Kim helped me with some food prep so did my IMOM.  He showed up just after everyone took Tracy out to be away while i cooked.  he put the Salmon appetizers together!   All the work paid off.  Good people,  Including someone who lived at the Apartment building the party was hosted at.  Didn't know Tracy from Adam.  But he brought her a card with a lotto ticket in it.   

 For me personally,  it was an interesting weekend.  Full of a lot of sweet n sour.  Just the right mix to make it a good and proper experience.   My IMOM took quite a big step (especially for him)  a couple of them actually.  But then,   so did I.     He spent the night!   Now this is something he had fought tooth and nail.  Even saying at one point  “Its just not gonna happen sorry Emmy Lou Marie”  Him saying that both was both comforting and upsetting.  but he gave it a shot.  and i don’t think he slept so good or at least as much as he did here in a while.   After the party and we sat around the next day recovering from one hell of a night of adventure.  We laid down to nap at 6 in the evening and woke just after 12:30 am.   Well,  he woke up and then woke me up.   Freaked out a lil that we slept so hard and long.  He flipped on the light and i sat right up in bed stunned as he told me the time.  All I could say was “We wasted all that time sleeping?”   

 The sound of his voice was so cute.  A mix of Aww poor thing and No with a lil chuckle added!!!   “Wasted?  we didn't waste we woke cuddling it's as perfect weekend Emmy Lou Marie!”     I wanted to talk more.  I wanted to clarify things..   I wanted to talk about the night  and before and what things said meant.   But alas,  part of the reason I love him,  and why he is and always will be my International Man of Mystery,  He always leaves me shit to think about and grow with.   He leaves me wanting more.   Looking forward to the next visit,  and leaving me with something to blog about!   

 //Here we go Toy Boy,  a little more truth and a lot more emotion.   I know you are not dumb,  ya see it too.  Feel it.  There’s a comfort in who we are, what we are cultivating.   I know personally I am grateful for this experience no matter the outcome.  I am grateful for the insight into myself,   Both positive and negative I either didn't realize was in me or I did but didn't want to acknowledge or had given up on.     When observations I make about myself or the world around me are affirmed by action of people in that world,  and without any coaxing from me.  It is the best feeling.  And you did that this weekend.    There are few people in my life who make my “Give what you can, cherish what is given, and expect nothing more.”  mantra seem the right way to see things.   You are slowly breathing life into a place in my head and heart i thought would seriously just be dead.  And i say this, with absolute understanding of your view.  The wedges and why you put em out.   I also know that part of that is a self preservation tool.  A defense mechanism.  I have learned over the last year I don’t use wedges.  I bear thorns.  Pop em out to put off potential problem people!  YAY ALLITERATION! *high five*

    So,  my ToyBoy,   I will see your wedges and raise you a thorny finger!  You have seen a few thorns.   You, however,  react the same as I do to your “wedges”  

 “Ahh yes i can see that problem but “shrugs”  whatever here i am take me or leave me.”   

 Makes a perfect Magnetic resistance if that's even the right way to explain it!     Always loved a person that can shine light in places i was ashamed of.  Help me see the beauty or even uncover it in some way.  You have done that in the most awesome way!  Incoming a Thorn or two...  maybe.  Whenever it seems to me I will offend you and send you running away,  you surprise me and are back again!  I wish I could see thru your eyes.  I’d love to know why?   Why do you keep coming back?   Easy Question you would think..   But I understand too well.     

   Some of the stuff you said this weekend made me smile so wide.  Others made my frown very deep...    Simplification,  working to make your wishes and desires a reality.  Some of those desires make some of mine a reality if You achieve them.  Which is cool.   and each time i see you accomplish something toward these goals it makes me so happy for you,  for us!   I hate using that word,,,  I hate it.  This is one of the things you said that made me smile.  Even before i got cheeky and did the chick thing “asking” if i was one of those things you would be  “Keeping around”   I love that you are motivated!  

  Your worry about the, how to put this, “another person involved”.  Under these circumstances ToyBoy,  its expected and I would even encourage it a bit if you weren't looking at her in that way.  Never worry about it, ever.   There are people for me who will never be turned away,  male and female.  People who helped me or were there for me in a jam will always be welcome.  If I can give aid,  a hand to hold, a sounding board to them I will do it.  You better do that for her too.  I would expect nothing less....   And slightly offended if you didn't... ///

   I won’t lie,  when he leaves I twitch a bit.  Sadness the knowing how I will miss him.   But even in that bit of a sour taste of this whole thing.  Its smoothed out by the anticipation.   The looking forward to the next time.  No matter how long off the next time is.   What the time we get involved.  It will be a good time,  relaxed and without expectation.  We will hang out and do what we do.  And it will be good.   Never a disappointment,  always a learning experience.    This weekend he said some things,  Good things.   Things that verified some observations i had been making.    I popped off a  “ToyBoy I'm sorry,  but I love you.”   I was having a moment of pure joy when I did.    His reply was quick and half way thru the short sentence i heard him catch himself in saying it but he didn’t stop he put his cheek and temple to mine and finished the sentence.   I wrapped my arms around him and just said “I know I know,”

///It’s not easy for either of us.  I had the same internal lurch as I said it.   A lil more subdued externally.  (laughs)   But it is there,   its not easy to feel.  Not with what you are going through now and i have been through .  A slight lil emotional leak,  of any kind.   Joy will do it too ToyBoy.  Will start a cascade of emotion.   A simple kiss between a couple can turn into a “WHY DIDN'T HE/SHE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO DO THIS!”  Or the doubts start ringing...   Questioning motives of the person you're with or even your own Motives come into question.     I am not IN LOVE with you ToyBoy.  Not yet.  That part of my heart and my mind are closed for repairs.   But you should know this already.  You been in there with putty and a trawl patching holes.   I hope you realize that.  I think you do...  But I do love ya.   You have become more than a simple friend.   Thank you for being so perfectly you! ///

 Like my IMOM said,  its now time for him to buckle down on a few things.  Same with me.   There are some things I wish to accomplish this summer.  Sooner the better.  I am allowing myself the end of summer goal time to complete..  But hey,  I  want it much sooner.   A Scooter!  Yeah i want a scooter, putt around town deal that will get me to places i need to go.  I just cannot afford a car yet.     And I want to be saving more by the end of summer too..  I know i can do it.   I SHALL!   I also want to finish one of the two projects i have been working on for over 2 years now.  I can do it.  Most is written already I just need to weave the parts together!

 Anyway,  the reason for the story to start all this.  The old couple who never lived together but we're committed to each other.   Tho i can honestly say i don’t think I will hold this view on love and relationships forever.   But its an arrangement i have been finding very beneficial.   And comforting.  Even in the negatives that come with it.   I kinda understand  how the right people could find themselves very comfy in this kind of a relationship for so long.   Its very good now.  I dunno if i can see decades of it.  Time flies when you're having fun tho.  So lets see!!!