Ahh see, this is what i am talking about. This struggle between heart and mind. Between all the insecurities and what it is you really are or are seeing. I am quite angry at myself. Tracy has been saying I become a grouch after i haven't seen my IMOM in a couple days. I try to explain its not grumpy cuz i miss him. Its grumpy cuz i don’t want to. Disappointed in myself for having such a tie emotionally right now. *shrugs* Who knows. I am not suffering at all. I enjoy the longing. I just didn't want to feel it so soon after i left Richard. ToyBoy would say, “Pros and cons,” or, “See broken arm as opposed to a scratch or cut!” No, I am not hurting. I am yearning. And this isn't something u can control.. Only experience. A healthy longing will leave you more productive. Unhealthy will leave you devastated. And Ironically, this Difference between the good and bad longing lies more with Yourself than the other person. You cannot control what others do or say. You can only control your reactions to it.
It’s as if he could sense the need to hear his voice last night. I sent em a text. sleep well sweets bla bla bla. Instead of responding in text he called. There hadn't been much communication since sat. But i understood it. I wasn't in the place for much interaction myself. Is what a night of parties and favors can do to ya. When i heard his ringtone on my phone i was surprised. Picked it up “Well i thought i would do you the courtesy of wishing you pleasant dreams on the phone. How are you Emmy Lou Marie?” Ahh crap tension left me and in his voice i could hear he was anxious. But he was smiling u can tell that from how his speech changes. In his own way he (strike that)... hmmm better way... He acknowledged his silence over the past couple days. not responding to IMs much. He did a cave man for a couple days. I get it, I kinda did too.
/// Thank you for this ToyBoy. It made me smile. Things like this are what make u so nice. You know what’s needed. And you do as i do. Give it when you can. And we both cherish what is given.
Enter my own rabbit reflex.. I want to run. I don’t like this at all... I don’t think. I hate the doubts questions lack of trust i seem to still exhibit. I hate struggling with the desire to be someones someone and the hatred of all the bull shit that come’s with it. I want to run from you ToyBoy. And I dunno how to deal with this.
I hate you for being so nice and understanding and love it in the same space. I am starting to feel as if i want you to demand on me a lil. To ask me for my time. It rarely happens tho. Not just with you but anyone I have ever been with. I am “a good woman” but no one ever wanted me really as anything more than a passing thing or fancy. Its pissing me right off. So I struggle between the desire to try and the annoyance with what it means. I have turned tail ToyBoy. I haven’t Run yet. But I am kicking my feet. I dunno how to handle any of this.
Add to it that this is coming on the anniversary of the day Richard asked me for the divorce. Told me it was too much responsibility and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I need help, I need you to help me calm some. I need to hear you say “Its gonna be ok” and mean it.///
I remember that day, but find the joy in it all. You've grown so much in a year.
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Ty Jack, and it keeps going hey? <3
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