Letters 3 - The pieces fall away as others grow back.

 That’s it no more NyQuil before bed.  I just woke to a dream wherein Leonard Nimoy was trying to get me to touch his dick.   I mean I have been having an odd fascination with the logical lately.  And people with a kind of intelligence.   But there are a million non fictional intellectuals out there who would fit the bill.   Why would I choose a fictional one?  It’s just not logical!!!  (laughs)  I guess I should say “Spock was trying to get me to touch his dick.”  Because he was in full on Star Trek garb and spoke like his character as well.    Then,  I got a jingle from My IMOM.  He had finished a meeting and wanted to come by.   Makes me smile he still asks.  As if I will ever say no.  “Mind if I pop by”     Always,  any time of day (or night)  Babe....  Does he realize I would never say no?

I wonder?

 

Now I am gonna summarize the next few weeks in two simple words.  “Roller Coaster”.     Well that’s 2 words but you know what I mean.    I've had my Rebound and quick “Flick of my Bic” Since I Separated from my Husband.   Went through the whole “swear off men” I don’t need em and the “so lonely I could die”  phase.  My IMOM is going thru the same thing.  Almost same time frame.  Only,  His divorce is not final.   I have no idea who had it easier.  Him or me going through this.  I did want to say i had it easier, but, I can’t,  In raising the pros and the cons.   The angry phase with the divorce.  The survival mode people go into when it is going on.  He got to spend Out and Doing.   Parties,  and even a woman (or two).    I was locked up and sick.  Recovering and trying to get myself situated and ready for a uproot.  Living with my husband until I was able to move here to S Florida.    So that put a serious damper on my “let off steam”  possibilities.    I Quit smoking pot drank only occasionally.     It was hard to be in the same house as him.  Now,  flip side.  My IMOM,  he has been separated with a brief attempt at reconciliation.  So there was a little more freedom.    My Divorce is now final took 3 months after I left NY for that to happen.  His is not.  So,  Now I am free and he is heavy weighed down even in his freedom in getting all this taken care of.   So I think it evens out. each experience is as shitty as the other...    I have a feeling the feeling of Release when its all over is just as Oddly Wonderful too...

Toy boy,  I have to tell you I am glad to be here at this moment in your life.   Seeing this thru your eyes has been oddly helpful to me.  You said it before, the similarities, just uncanny.   But i guess that is just more proof that you are right.  None of our experiences are truly individual.   I Mean it when i say.  Whatever you need.

 I mentioned before that he kept from the beginning telling me he was doing what he calls “Putting in safety wedges” with me.   Reminding me he may have to leave the country if he cannot afford what his wife asks for and wants and paying the prices in the USA for living.  The next few weeks was a process of laying them out.   Making sure I would protect my heart,  Because as he says “It’s better to have a scratch or cut and avoid a broken arm”    he insists everything ends.   Both of us struggle with the internal voices  both sirens singing “songs of doubt”  and the angelic voices saying to never give up on love,  companionship or Intimacy.  So he and I both drew close and pulled away in our own ways.   We got together just about every time he had the ability to come out.  I still do not have transport but I bet ya I get a scooter before the summer is out!   ;)  Yeah,  I’m gonna be one of those.....  *laughs evilly*  

  As adamantly as he put them wedges in,  I put up my walls.   Not all of it was defence of my heart.  Some of it is simply lessons learned about people,  “love” the illusion,  and “love” the reality.  There is a difference.    This experience with him has taught me even more about it.   Summarized and clarified the lessons taught to me by my marriage and divorce.   Love doesn't conquer all..    Love does, however,  adapt   Love does not consume.  It can immerse.  Love does not forgive all things.   If there is love.  mutually  there is no need to forgive.  But simply to understand.     There are also different kinds of love.   Ahhhh!  Back to my days as a Jehovah’s Witness...   Agape love?   There were others too I can’t think of it...  Oh Google..  Yes.  Google!  

Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē[1]) means love in a "spiritual" sense.

Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.

Philia (φιλία philía[3]) "mental" love.

Storge (στοργή storgē[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection.

There ya go! Four faces of love.    The more of those faces are shown in a relationship,  the deeper and more intimate it becomes.    What I love about my IMOM,  is there is no demand on either of us or expectation on either of us to have any or all of those facets of “love”   We are what we are when we are together and separate we are still the same people.  Its a good feeling.  Taking the good and the bad and seeing the good in it outweigh the bad is a wonderful thing!

Back to the summarizing of the past couple months.  it’s been three in total.  Half my time here and away from my Ex.   The first 3 I spent acclimating to being “alone”.  Sleeping alone eating alone and being with myself and it being ok!   Learning to live and make my way without another person in the mix.   Its been good.   Next logical step has happened in my trek to who I will be after the marriage.   The kind of Relationships i want and how i see myself in the next one.   

 During this time I got sick.  Now I am diabetic as I mentioned before and i had a nasty reminder of the evil this disease can cause.  During my marriage near the end my husband became less interested in my welfare and ignored it.  I was out of work with a nasty injury from my job at home depot and unable to afford the food i needed or my Insulin let alone his own medications. .  For almost 2 years I rotted.  in the end i was very sick,  and had an infection in my toe..   He kept telling me he didn't have the money for me to go to the Doctor.   That it would have to wait.  Then would get pot and stupid creature comforts.  Even buying a Galaxy Tablet the day after i asked em to spare the 25 dollars for a doctor’s visit.   Fast food alcohol.  The toe got very bad.  But i ended up in the ER and on lots of antibiotics.  It seemed to clear up.  Then,  Long story short as possible I lost the toe about 2 months ago.  Nasty infection.     This was a moment of immense worry for me.  Just met this guy.  Really trips my trigger.  I dig everything about who we are as “Companions”  is how we tend to label it.   Not a Boyfriend and Girlfriend.   I’m too old for that.  Not looking for the “game of courtship”.   I’m looking for someone who hits me on a lot of levels to share the good and evil in this world with.  A Positive counterpart.    What is the first major thing we get to face in our relationship...?   Parts of yer new Companion rotting and falling off.  Super...

Like I said Toy Boy.  Breaking ya in right.

 Now,  in the time i had been hanging out with my IMOM he told me more about his marriage.  How his wife’s illness affected him.  I got to see maybe a lil of what My ex husband was going through watching me be as sick as I was in the end.   Humbling,  and even made me soften my “feelings”  concerning Richard.  So before all this happened i knew the heart of my IMOM when it came to a woman who was ill in his life.   How he reacted in some ways to his wife's illness.    So when he drove me to the hospital and sat there with me until Tracy came to stay with me and then kissed my forehead telling me to let him know how things are going.   He left, and this was the first time i noticed something about myself and my new outlook on relationships,  specifically his and mine.  I loved it when he was with me.  I was fine when he wasn't.  “Good with or without”  It has been important for me to find that place with myself.   Good with or without someone in my life.  This was the first time i experienced that.

 I was admitted for a nasty infection.  My toe was just red at this point and severely swollen.  The pain was unreal.  Like my toes were full of boiling water and every movement i made pushed that heat against my skin.  By the next morning,  the toe was black and bleeding constantly oozing.  It was terrible.  I knew when I looked at it that morning it was gonna have to go.  I cried,  for a little while.  Not long but the toe had been such a problem acting up at least once a month swelling and opening up.   Once it was gone it was actually an odd release.

  Enter a brand new set of insecurities..  I was now a amputee.  I know i know and if another person says “It was just a toe”  one more time I'll fucken scream.  It was the last bit of what was rotted of me cut off and tossed aside from my marriage.    It brought me back to a place I was before I left New York.  Feeling that broken rotted person I was before I came to S Florida.     Added to the extra weight on my body now i am deformed.   It made it hard for me to feel at all human.   Or,  maybe i felt far too human?

    

 He came and saw me.  brought flowers and tea!  such beautiful flowers.  I couldn't get rich most times to set with me if I had to go to the ER or Doctor.   This guy,  came and sat with me at the ER came to see me in the hospital more than once.    Even brought me flowers!  What the fuck was i married to?  *Boggles*  Here's where we had a moment my Toy Boy and I.  And this may be the first time he gets the complete whole and intact truth about how I felt the weeks after this surgery.    I Know he reads this,  he can’t help himself.  He likes to see inspiration in people.  And if HE is the one inspiring them.  Its kinda a drug for him I think!   But here comes the honesty.  Even more so because i can take the time to tell it.   In my own way and at my own pace:

I am sorry if I reveal anything in my head or heart that surprises.  I just might.  Because Like I said before.  I tend to take things you say,  the lil warnings you throw out your “Wedges”  and let em sink in ponder and mull them about.   So all of this will be AFTER I have been able to do that.  

I never lie.   But I do evolve and adapt.   So here I go.  It is all truth.  Good, bad and ugly.

 The whole time we have been seeing each other he insisted I date others.  The whole “the next guy will not get away with anything with you Emmy Lou Marie”   Urging me to learn from the people I meet so the relationship i end up cultivating in the end will feed all of my needs as well as his.  (Whoever i end up with)     And I did.  A couple guys in the beginning.  One needed a good swift kick in the balls.   No was not in his vocabulary i do not think.  When I got home from that date i talked to my IMOM.  He seemed to take it as his fault at first.  “I’m so sorry Emmy Lou Marie”  Love it when he calls me that.  Flows off that beautiful tongue so nicely,    But shortly after that exp.  I let him know i made a decision.   I will only be sexually active with one person at a time.   Now this does not mean I will not “date”   I believe for him and I that's important right now.  To date and explore and learn what it is we want after so many years of marriage.  Rediscover ourselves.    Timing  was all about timing.  Just before i ended up in the hospital.   He went AWOL on me for a couple days.  I knew something was up.  I felt it.    He came over one evening and sat on the couch.  He wanted to hug me.  I saw it.   He had something to tell me,  but he was stumbling on how to say it.   Reaching out and touching me softly,  then “Hmmmmmmm'ing" and pulling away a sec.   He finally came out with what it was that was eating him up to have to say.   He had spent a night with someone else he met on tagged.   A girl he referred to as “china girl”   one of his “Preferences”  as he calls them.   The Asian girls give his dick a twitch.   As he was telling me the story,  things she said.   Her own honesty with him i smiled.   For a week before this i had been sending him pictures and memes about Asian girls.  I more than most,  understand what he calls again “preferences”   he likes the lil' Asian girls  its his fantasies that fuel this.   For me its big hairy bikers who can and will at times bend me over like *I* am a lil Asian..   *LOL*   But it is just that.   Fantasy for me.  Not necessarily what a person wants or needs Long term.   I was genuinely Excited for him.   He got to feed a fantasy!   I grinned and bobbed a lil in my chair  “You finally got yer china girl?”

  The look he gave me was disbelief.  A wrinkled face as if he tasted or smelled something foul.  He didn't believe me and my joy in what he had experienced.   I think in the weeks that passed after that he learned to trust my words in this regard.   I am human.  it stung.   But not as much as he may think.   Then shortly after that I ended up in the hospital.   Toe gone,  and that's when what happened with his china girl affected me more.   Kinda the whole straw that broke the camels back....  Ironically and I have no idea if he will ever accept this.  It wasn't wholly him being with someone else.   It was the insecurities brought back by my illness.   and the feelings of inadequacy that welled up after the surgery.

 So In the hospital,  Attentive there for me chatting with me even video Skype at night.    Was nice.  near the end however of my stay.   He had his first “rabbit reflex”  concerning he and I.  

He told me he didn't want to get swept away.   Someone in the hospital called him my “Boyfriend”,   Yeah,  no,  not a good term.  He pulled away a little.  Physically.   And so did I,  even tried to detach emotionally.  I felt disgusting.   In a wheelchair and using a walker after the surgery.  I felt no kind of sexiness or at all like a woman.  I pushed away most attempts he made to be intimate.   Truthfully,  and this only happened after the surgery.   He touched me and I felt ugly.   I wasn't a lil healthy china girl.  I was heavy,  broken and just didn't feel i could be naked or with him.   All i thought about was this cute Chinese girl with all her toes.. Cute lil oriental feet.    And I was...  Well me!     From the beginning,  we made it clear we would date others.     *I* from the beginning told him My decision to be with only him sexually does not mean he has to do the same.  Condoms...  hey?   Its just MY way of keeping shit simple.   You fuck a lot of people and things get complicated.  I reiterated,  I had no expectations of him.  I liked my IMOM for who he was,   Not what he will give me.   I enjoy his presence on every level.  And we didn't need to fuck to be friends.   We were beyond that.  But i couldn't bring myself to be with him.  Combo of the effect of another woman in his bed and the amputation.   Ruined me sexually and upset my ability to be intimate.   Timing... For the win!    I even had a hard time being in his bed.  Those questions i hope others ask...  That it isn't just me with them ringing doubts and worries...   “Why would he want me here?”    Why still pursue me when he has the possibility of his “preference” in his world?   Took me weeks to work all that out in my head.  Assign the right reactions to the right actions.    I REALLY was tickled he got his fantasy.  I really didn’t care that he was with another woman.   I was more Worried about why he was with me still like we were,  after the fact.   Always believing the other one is more desirable that me.

Well forward now to release from hospital.   Home and recovering.  Moved in with Tracy and T.  This wee lil apartment.  SO Small.  cramped  3 adults one child.  It got hairy at times.   Close corridors.   little or no privacy.     Was a good test of our ability to live together like we are now.  Which I will get to later.  

 He continued to come by.   Foot up,  on painkillers.   I was bitter,  after the surgery.  But inevitably.  He calmed me when he came.   He would sit on the couch and cuddle chit chat and smoke.   About all i could let myself do it curl up next to him or with my head on his chest and relax.  It felt good tho to do that!   He was patient.  He kept coming back.  Eventually i felt myself wanting to feel him again.   Him to feel me.   He began to relight the fire that had gone out after the hospital and surgery.    I was gonna cook him a dinner.  Still in wheelchair but I wanted to do something nice.   When he arrived that night Tracy and T went out and it was him and me.   He wouldn't let me lift a finger.   He brought flowers again!   I love that.  Flowers.   I have gotten more flowers from this man that rich gave me our whole relationship.    It’s been perfect.   

 

  I sat in the kitchen in my wheelchair and told him how to prepare the food.  Scallops and Asparagus.  side salad.   And a fruit salad for dessert.   simple easy yummy!   I love to cook.  I am also,  at risk of sounding arrogant, a damn good cook.  All he has by this point tasted of my cooking was  Stuffed banana Peppers with feta and mushrooms.   Was quite good...   And even this night HE cooked, not me!  

I cannot tell you how much this night meant to me my Toy Boy.  You took care of me without making me feel inadequate.   And I thank you for that.   You patience has been unbelievably awe inspiring.    At this point in our “Whateverthefuckship” I wanted to show you all of me other than the sexual.   I felt the way you did.  I think.   Maybe we fucked too soon,  but *shrugs* its over and done now I wanted to move on to showing you more of who I was.   I want to thank you for letting me do so.   And also doing the same for me.  Showing me a lot of who you are... Good and Bad.  

 I look forward to,  no matter how long we have to do so,  learning as much as I can about you.  And sharing everything i can of me with you in time.   No matter the time frame or who we are or what we become.   I am enjoying the journey.   The destination is unimportant.