Ahh I hope he is doing as I asked. I would have begged if i thought it would do any good. I hate seeing him in such pain, so sick. Please get better . I feel grateful for the visits today. I am just worried about Him.
It is a roller coaster huh? 2 humans so fucked by the past, the present gets all kinds of issues. I know i have been intense the last week. Little more so than usual. Everyone has felt it. The anniversary.. *sighs* I guess like most people i this world i am just looking for someone who will do what I will. Be there almost whenever needed. Its a dumb ass want ya know. Its just not, ahh whats the word? It's not logical or rational.
I've been avoiding writing another letter because its been a odd week and I've had to process everything I have taken in. I also am not sure I can fairly explain or clarify the last week or two properly. Major changes in me, my outlook and my desires in life have taken a shift, I tend to shift a lot anyway. But these seem quite permanent. I am not even sure how to take the last week completely. At first i took it all very badly. More so because of this anniversary week. Just so much coming back.
I learned a couple good things this week. How to compartmentalize. I found the most perfect place for my IMOM and made some new space for others . He helps me an awful lot. I dunno if he realizes it. I think he does. He is really my best male friend. And I mean that in every way yer best girlfriend would be. Hugs and snuggles over a movie or TV hanging out and talking about things. Getting so upset with each other but after a good cool down all is like it was before. I don't ever remember having a male friend like this in my life where its just as normal for him to be taking a piss with the door open and be chatting about one thing or the other like my Sister from another Mister Tracy and I do. Its just perfect. and has been all along. Like i said i am dealing with emotion from my Marriage breaking up not My ToyBoy. And our relations ship got a lil more solid and in its place after the last 2 weeks. Growing pains. Gotta love it. I am loving the way things are kinda settling around me. A couple upheavals the last couple weeks but I am sorting it out. With a lil help from my friends.
I am truly sorry to you ToyBoy for my over reactions in the past week. I also thank you for your patience. In my defense however, I warned ya! I love exactly what we are who we are and how we are. You are as important to me as Tracy and T in my life. You all give me so much. I am far from ungrateful. As always when i make or am a mess you handle it so perfectly. I thank you for that.
So what exactly happened. Timing as he puts it. Not always easy for someone to be there for ya when their own world is in a turmoil. It is also unfair to expect them to be. Unlike any other time a person could say no to me and I would understand their reasons. I wasn't taking no very well at all. Him and his divorce. All my other friends around me dealing with their own demons. Some of their demons connected to mine. I was left alone to deal with a couple things on my own. Which in hind sight, wasn't a bad thing. I was also reminded of why my ToyBoy and I are who we are as friends. It works that way. In the most amazing way. And I can see us getting into some mischief together. O.o
I have for myself and him taken sex off the table for us. He kinda did before but I went a step further. Cuddles OK, hugs OK nuzzles cool. like cats on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. That is comfy with him. But I am just in a odd place sexually as he is. I am more comfy in seeing him now having had that particular. I love being goofy with him. Light hearted is order of our day. I think in this place I can be more comfy. No more gropy gropy. Lets see how long this lasts. We are odd creatures. BAH!
So what else? I lost my Job. Downsizing. I was laid off until September so I am looking for a way to get a job that is not on my feet 8 hours a day and can make my foot issues worse! So, I am trying. Applied at 7-11 anyway. Gotta do what ya gotta do. *sigh* So it was a shot to my system. Add to that my anxiety of this month and my best friend who works for same company fearing she will be laid off too. I needed some, as my IMOM would call it, "distraction". And I called him. I hadn't anyone else really, I haven't had the energy or trust to let anyone else in my world. I was comfy with him but comfy don't mean happy. Our lives are so confusing for us both. That has changed of course. Just like he and I and "us" have. Maybe change isn't the right word. What I feel more is a "settling of places" Its quite reassuring.
He and I have always been very open about sex. I love that too. I called him because I needed some.. mmh interaction. I just wanted to smell him close. was in a bad spot. I sent him a message telling him I wanted to lay next to him and watch each other just play. Honestly I didn't want him to touch me. I just wanted him close. He basically said he had had what he called a "Cheeky wank" of his own. It hurt me a lot at that moment. Hes come to me "so im horney baby" and i was always willing. I got angry. "he said he would see how he felt in a while. But the phone was choppy, breaking up . he said "I will see how i feel in a while Emmy Lou Marie, I will speak to you soon." I heard "give me me a lil while I will see you soon Emmy Lou Marie" Or maybe i was just not willing to hear no in any form. What about what I want. When i want it occasionally. Felt like all I have been getting is no... I went a lil ape shit not like crazed bitch pissy but.. Mmh. he wasn't gonna come. So yeah I got myself off and went to bed pissed at him... O.o Woke pissed at myself.
So I decided to test the waters of this dating world a lil more intensely after this and started talking to people i have been blowing off not just because of my IMOM but because of many other reasons. I was feeling very little trust or ability to open up to anyone else. I felt ugly because I Felt i wasn't the "Beautiful" men normally look for. Well, I got an invite out to see The Man of Steel movie. Johnny, hes calm, safe sweet and kind. We will call him The "Alternative Biker" Looks the part and talks it too. Excitable eager to prove is worth as a man. With a sense of humor reminds me of my days in Tampa. Snake was a lot like him. 50+ EX outlaw. Sexy in his age. Popcorn and soda pop. Good movie and home by 10. That was like a first date to have in high school.. It was fun. Not like crazy! But it was good. Tho I came home feeling a lil flat. Messaged another friend i had made in the last few weeks. Here is where my sexuality got uprooted.
The Italian Stallion. Splashed with just enough redneck pride in his country to make him irresistible. Strong, sexy and quite Dominant. Mmh fuck. This guy drove up in a big red truck. huge, and I had to laugh. When I opened the door, The smell that came out of his cab about knocked my knees clean out from under me. I managed to jump into the front seat and shake his hand.
It took effort, not to react visibly to the environment. This guy looked and smelled like Awesome. He paid attention listened as I talked shared his stories how he got into the life style. (BDSM) Spanked me for smoking because I said I wanted to quit. It was nice. He might have to do it harder next time. We fooled around in his truck a bit before he left. Just a bit of heavy teasing. I was wired tho. He actually asked me what drugs I have done today. LOL "None Sir ItalianStallion I smoked some pot but that's it... " ;D I just was dealing with so much anxiety this week by the time I got to Saturday I was wired! I promise! Yet again a nice surprise from this one. He does not lack in any physical area. Even his fingers are strong. I have yet to delve into the mental with him. My mind was on the body last night. And we kissed and squeesed in the car explored each other a bit. In.. the.. front seat.. of his CAR! Bad bad Emmy. Nah good good Emmy. No reason not to indulge what so ever. No reason not to explore all this with vigor and a fine tooth comb. I am not holding back anything unless i feel it needs to be.
So, 2 dates one day. At the urging of my IMOM i am dating others more, aggressively. (BE AGGRESSIVE BE BE AGGRESSIVE!) I think i like this. The crown on the evening. Being able to sit on Skype with my ToyBoy and tell him about the night. Well, most of it. Some has to be told after a bit of processing. Its how I work. I like where things are going irregardless of the negative happenings. I am looking forward more and more and looking over my shoulder less and less. Sunshine, some clouds. most definitely rain. I never realized how much my life experience has been like the weather here in South Florida. Kinda that way for all of us. Jonny said yesterday. "If ya don't like the weather in South Florida wait for 15 min, it will change" Life. Perfect comparison.
I love you
as deeply as I do all my friends
I appreciate everything you are,
good, bad, and ugly
Always welcome in my world ToyBoy
Just give a jingle.
BTW I DEMAND A MOVIE NIGHT SOON!
just sayin!
Hugs and kisses
Emmy Lou Marie
No comments:
Post a Comment