Ok here is what to some people is an annoying "Flash Back" piece. The one where people argue over its validity or purpose in a story. So Picture Wayne and Garth doing the swirly back flash motion and sound with their fingers. Let me back up to help you realize maybe how I move forward. My this particular letter was both requested and recommended buy my International Man of Mystery as well as some other people in my world both reality and online. I will even add to that required. I have also been asked to make an Email that is used for this Blog. A Place where people can ask questions. I promise, I will answer them honestly. Be warned however they might be used in further blogs as well..
So let the Email be letters.to.my.IMOM@gmail.com
There's a few things I wanna go back and talk about. I had a few people ask a lot of questions about the "Online Venues" I explored in while married because of the lack of passion Therein. And yes. Everything I write about has literally happened. Also no, I wont be now nor ever taking dates with people just because "they want in the blog." That's not how it works.. ;D I will however will let you know, if you do date me you will be in it. Kinda how it works,. This is part of who I am and what you need to accept in order to be with me. I am fine if ya can't deal with that.
Online venues, questions I have been asked about it have lead me to believe there are still a lot of people who do not think a truly good and lasting "Ship" (Relationship like Friendships and love connections) cannot be cultivated on the internet. Yeah it can. I am not totally sure if these people really do not believe it can happen or if they are just really scared that it can. I have met many people who will always be in my heart and thought about often on the net. While I was married, and yes I am admitting to emotional ties to other people via the time I spent with my husband. Never met them and fucked them. It was a safe place to explore myself with out the extra bull shit a relationship adds. I was in a relationship. I was married. There was little or no passion in it. I was lucky my husband fucked me once a month. went a few months without anything. I think that's why he loved his nubile porn. HE could "Fuck" the bitch and be done. No intimacy, no worry about her well being. Just a dirty sock and bed. A wife meant he should share care and engage them after the act is done. This is not my excuse. It is my reasons. And frankly I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
So the venues? Second Live, CamToMe, Skype, as well as Online role play games, multiplayer. . I was never unavailable tho. I was there for my husband. Always came to him first for my emotional and sexual needs first. I was not willing to go without what I needed in my life just because someone could't or wouldn't give me it no matter how i tried to be there for them. Sorry, I am and always will be a you "get what ya give" kinda girl.
In EverQuest1 I met a lil Dwarf named Sirfalgar. A squirrely lil dude from Maryland. We talked for a long time. Got married in the game faught and leveled together. And one day he sent me a plane ticket and told me to come to him. I did. HE was a good guy. I never starved i always got cuddles but in the end. We were just not compatible. Even Richard and I married in EverQuest, but we were both female characters. He was a hobbit Druid, and I was a high elf enchanter. This was when I started SL and where Richard and my own collective story began.
Second life, however was the most memorable. Mostly because the experience there was so varied. I explored many different kinds of sexuality. Some I had dabbled in before and others i never heard of until logging into Second Life in 2003. My now Ex husband introduced me to the world. Its a virtual community not completely unlike the SIMS just with a little more detailed control over your avatar and world. Also a place it is possible to make a great deal of money. As long as you can be unique and offer something either widely sought after or particularly useful,. As in reality the biggest seller in Second Life (SL) is sex. Sex clubs and hook up spots, Building real working sex toys and furniture for a home or club as well. Objects people could sit on together and your avatars will dance, make out, cuddle and even fuck if ya want.
Within second life I have had a few very memorable relationships. People who to this day i still wonder about. Topher, for one. She was always a awesome person to spend time with. Share, and relax with. Female, and yes I loved her. Annah who was around when Topher was. Same deal as Topher, I loved them both. Annah I "Owned" for a while. I never liked that description. She was a pet. We played together for a while. But her life got busy and mine did to. Lost track. I do hope my Lilith (Her pet name) is doing well.
Orlando, a English Dominant who I adored. I love people who are very real, even in a fake environment! He "Owned" me for a while. Sent me some toy's made me feel very naughty. This was before my husband and I started to really see each other. It was also how my Ex husband and I spent time, before we did decide to commune. Orlando could make me come so wonderfully and on command! HE also was very protective of me. I adored him.
This next guy's name is a bit hard to remember if I am spelling it right. He was a Casanova. loved all women all types. He was married however, So his interactions were all "No Strings Attached" But in the venue we were both in (SL) It was perfect. A little amplification to a dull life. Or a way to add spice to a overly vanilla Marriage. What was his name...... AHHH VisciousKnid! He was an Erotic Dancer in SL. He would sit on a pole "Ball" and his avatar would move erotically but that was not all he did. Words, He would dance in word form. In text telling us exactly what he was doing to the pole, or us. He was gifted that one. Miss him greatly!
Rajun Breck a interesting Mistake! But still a good bit of fun and lessons. The whole thing where I said people in Online communities sometimes have a hard time with strays from the norm. I had issues with it too. I actually tried to play the "Family life" with him. Pregnancy, yes, and attachment to your avatar that put you through pregnancy and even all the hardships as best you can. Had a full on wedding with him. Was cool and short lived. He fucked around. I went bitch end of story.
Tom Bender, his SL name. This guy captured my heart for a long time, and I always look for signs of him. He was a broken soul from Germany but one hell of a artist. A odd medium for him it was music and mixing songs. He did it beautifully and was always in his skin when doing it. We really only fooled around sexually a few times. We had slated a wedding, he always called me his Keliner Stern (shining or falling Star). Would have been my first in that world. But again, the whole straying from the norm became a problem for him. He didn't understand my softness for submissive people girls or boys. And in the end he couldn't handle it. I do hope he is well. I still turn my head to the east and blow him a kiss and warm wishes when I think of him. I wonder if he still does the same to the west.
Enter Tracy, yeah we met there my sister from another Mister. Her and I are so much a like in so many ways. Even her girlfriend gets a lil freaked out by it. My bull dog, she never takes well to people hurting me. She would defend me to the end as I would her in those cases. We fight get our feelings out then its fine the next day. Real friend. When my divorce happened she helped me find a room for rent in Florida where I have started my life over. Which in turn introduced me to many people. Love this woman like my flesh and blood.
Neo- One of the people who convinces me communities like SL are Necessary. Hes paralyzed and bed ridden and wheel chair bound. He was able to make money and socialize in SL. A big help to him. As he was to everyone else he cared about. Another person I often wonder about. I tried last night to log in to my account but I have some kind of virus I need to work out.
Puppet, this is a guy I really wish I had the money to Orchestrate a "Consensual" Kidnapping. Hes coming out of work and a black van pulls up and hes Gently and safely Incapacitated. Ship him here to me. Next thing he will remember is opening his eyes in my home. My boy, my pet. I have known him for as long as I have known Tracy. He stayed by my side for a long time. Until I got married and the interactions stopped. I had to focus on my husband and did. 2 years before I logged back into SL. When I did he came to me immediately. Back in place and desperate to please. I do love this guy. He is a Wrestler in the UK but that big, growling man will turn to whimpers and whines when I see him. I am excited. He is planning a trip here in October. I simply cannot wait! I have even quite recently sat on Skype with him as he fell asleep. Listening to his sounds. When he woke up sometimes calling my name. I would simply say "Shhshh puppet, I am here listening to you. Calm and rest. You are safe." he would mumble incoherently and fall back to sleep whimpering. I loved this time with him. I love him quite a lot. Another example of how broadly i do love. No Chains, no rules. (well for me)
Papi, Partsdale was his SL name. He was wonderful kind, smart, understanding. and doting. I do not think he realizes to this day what a light he shined into my world. One so big that before i got married i got to meet him.. He came to see Myself and my Sis Tracy when I went to Illinois to see her. He was badly in need of a recharge on his Man Batteries. So I played with him. No sex but heavy play. A good man. For my Birthday one year, he made me a computer. As in BUILT it from scratch. Was a awesome gift since in my marriage i was never "Worthy" of these things. All these people reminded me i was worthy, And so was he worthy to feel like a man. I know from later conversations I succeeded. And maybe helped him refocus on his marriage in some ways. I so love and miss him. I hope he is well!
Vittorio I really liked him. He came along just as things started getting bad with my husband. We lasted a while then a blessing to him happened. A love who he had lost came back to him. He was very excited. He also knew he was hurting me, and a submissive who had latched on to him. Since then He and her have had a beautiful daughter and their lives are wonderful. I couldn't be more happy in that growth with him. Happy for both of them
Artisan Cyclone, A self proclaimed shaman and another who has helped me out a great deain in my life. Always knows what to say to calm and always willing to be there to help. His now what? 5 year partner in SL Sherry, as well as him came out to my wedding to Richard. Only 4 people from my actual family came to my wedding. All else were friends both online and off.
Malice, this guy was a playmate in SL for a while. Crazy bastard but hes always a load of fun! Lost track of him, got involved in a lovely woman from Rochester and are, the last I knew, living in Rochester happily. Tho, Happiness is completely a matter of perception.
Ruairidh Strathearn, his SL name, Scottish and just pure Mischief. I fell for this guy. He kept with me thru all the BS with my Marriage. Helped me out so tremendously. But once I got here, and I began to live that single life. He could not handle it. Anytime anything was good in my life, he brought me down to why it sucks for him... He lived in Scotland, married for a long time. Same story, no intimacy, no real passion save for the kind of passion that is all negative. When he and I met it was awesome. I was born on his wifes Birthday and he close to my husband. He wasn't taking no for an answer from me, and the more he protested the good things happening to me the less I wanted to deal with him. It took Tracy threatening (More promising) she would tell his wife what a naughty hubby he was if he ever contacted me again. And I haven't heard from him since. He got me into some new "fetishes" WAM (Wet and messy) Lycra and latex as well as reminded me how much I loved Nylon and tights.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_and_messy_fetishism
Others are:
Zircon, my little OCD pet. Still in contact with him as he walks his path.
Maxime, French and full of love
Peace Mistwalker- Another whose diferent sides make it hard for people to latch on. But the ones that do are great friends to her.
Within this game I explored a lot of myself. The Domme and the submissive. kink and sexual exploration. I am a voyeur as well as exhibitionist at times. As much of it as I could being as there was no real "Contact" other than thru internet chat and Social communities. It was nice. It kept the woman in me alive. In the end that's all she was tho, just alive. I was not living or even in the end Wanting to live. So via web cam meetings voice time and textual chat I got my fill of everything from Orgasm Denial, bondage, edging and many other odd sexual proclivities. As well as made a huge group of friends. Some who in the end helped me thru the final months of my Divorce. They held a fundraiser to help me earn the money for filing fees. I love all of them and will always wonder where they are or how they are doing.
This week has both kind or lame and also amusing. Not as exciting as the past weeks. More realizations. Little more expected heartache. Feeling the truth in what I have been saying all along the way. "People spend too much time trying to find the right person than BE the right person." It's a bitch but the truth. I still stand firm in what I have learned. What the lessons in my life have shown me to be true. No one else can make you better. The better you get, however, the more you wash the crap off you and the brighter your light shines, the more moths wish to gather around it.
So this week I haven't seen my Italian Stallion. It's been busy and stressful. But all ended on a good note. I have had, however, lots of time with my ToyBoy, Tracy and T. Also hung out a bit more with my new Gay boy friends. BlueShirt, (this is what he was wearing when I first met him and that meeting was memorable). Wedding Dress, (this is his name because he put on y wedding dress and just loved to be in it), and his lover the Music Man. Much younger guy with a love of modern Dance and rave music. Met Some new people. Friday we all partied most of the day. Favors a plenty and some good drink and company. ToyBoy came that night. He was upset. He needed some input.
He had met a 25 year old Spanish girl. She is lovely. Exactly the kind of muse he needs. But she dumped him because he was to short. LOL Jesus girls, get over yer self. I wish I could be the muse my ToyBoy needs. My flaws however are too great for him to be able to latch on to me in that manor. I get that now. Both physical and the negative place i have found myself in is not a turn on. This girl was also a Ex Jehovah's Witness. Out now for 5 years I believe. We chatted about her and also about how he needs to stop looking for his "Muse" and just be his own. I don't think he is capable of doing that. Not yet. He has some more knocks to take. I wonder if he realizes i feel about him how he feels about his fickle muses. Wishing you could be good enough for more than a occasional friend. Only I handle it by accepting a person as they are and letting them find their place with me. I am who I am, Take me or leave me. And I also know that at some point, one of these girls will latch on. And he and I even on this level will cease to exist. I am just bracing for that day. One day, as he says, one day one will see my worth and want me in their world. I refuse to force anything. It hurts too much. I love him. But I also know, that inst enough most the time. And I wanna talk to this girl. She is from the same background as me. I would love to discuss things with her.
Later that night, I knew he wasn't well, I had gone to the store on foot because everyone was major too drunk to drive. After leaving the 7-11 I was cornered by some Haitians who had been trying to get me to go "Party" with them for a couple weeks. The taller one got me against the wall sniffing my neck and hair. "You know you wanna come with us woman, we will treat you right." After a long party after all the stress I had built up and then stuffed away over a lot of things I snapped, I punched this fucker right in the face and walked off wiping his blood from my knuckles on his shirt.
"Just fuck off and leave me alone. Next time i will really fucken hurt you"
They didn't follow and I walked home to find them all getting ready to leave. I told Toby what happened and went in to listen to some of my music,. My system wasn't working. I asked for help, Which I am not sure why I expected to be assisted. At this point no one was worried about anything but vegging out. I told people what happened to me and did not get one hug. just a "Don't go alone again or ill kick yer ass" I fixed my own sound system and walked into the living room where Tracy T and My ToyBoy were watching a new TV show. "Orange is the new Black" walked by them and went out on the patio and cried. When they did come out, I laid into em. They saw that I had whacked everything off the table. Even after i expressed I feel like I have been irrelevant ignored and needed help and I was tired that I so rarely get priority in peoples lives especially after what happened tonight. And not one person has yet wrapped their arms around me and acknowledged anything about that night. I've rationalized and worked through it myself. This is how it will be from now on. My problems will be my problems. All anyone will see anymore is a smile. I am done with the stress of seeking emotional support. It will come if its available. If I am lucky. I will support myself. Good with or without right?
After all this my ToyBoy went into the bathroom. He was gonna leave soon, and I got ready for bed and to do my stretching before hand. He was in there too long. When I knocked, there was no answer. I shoved the door open and pushed him across the floor. He was passed out my poor ToyBoy. I shook em. Asked em if he was ok. Not much of a response. I had to pee so I did. and he sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist while I did. My poor friend, drowning sorrows because some superficial slightly cracked but very cute and sexy woman wont date him because hes too short. *sigh* I lifted him and got him into my bedroom undid his shirt took it off and his belt but left his pants on. (hopefully helping him realize I am not all sex mad. *wink* which is another reason i think he will not be able to take me seriously in the Lover sense. He thinks my ideal man has to be able to throw me about and fuck me. No matter how I explain he is wrong, it makes no difference the other things, The negative period I was in recently, I am not one of those youthful sexy and main stream beautiful girls he finds his "Muse Effect" with. I am his friend. And that I cherish for the time it is as it is.
///Honestly, yes it hurts. I know what I am capable of. I also know I am worth it. I wish others saw it too. But that's their problem not mine. I am truly sorry for the negative all around me lately. You wont see it anymore... That I promise. I wish I didn't love ya so much. But also am glad I do.
Always welcome\
always wanted.
no matter your size
or your stamina levels.
The person you are,
is the person I love.
No matter the changes
positive or negative.
Always welcome in my home
my world
my life.
///
To thine own self be true.
ReplyDeletexx
haha who do we lie to the most, our-self or others?
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