Ahh interesting few days. OK, dark, I went very dark. Took a spin around on the ridge of that spiral of depressions, self pity, and loneliness. Then, I got over it. I do that sometimes, I think we all do in different ways. I didn't eat anything really much for 3 or so days. Cried, I cried more than I have in a very long time and more consistently than I did ever during my divorce. It was an outpouring. What got me over it? Me, with a lil help from some late night conversations Tuesday night. I showered after those exchanges and went to sleep. Out, dead to the world until 10 am the next day. I woke, had coffee, did what I did the days before sobbing and unbelievably hating every minute. Worked on my resume homework and got my self in order. Then something very cool happened, I got a call back from a Copy Write company for a job. And someone else expressed a serious interest in looking at my almost completed book. Tentative title, "Baptism of Stains". OK yeah, this is a lil crazy, and also giving me something to work for. But I woke ready to take on the world after exiting the darkness in my own way.
Sometimes you just have to cry
Then a little later in the day my ItalianStallion decided he wanted to take me to that Swingers Club after he got done at the fire station. Well now, how the peeks and valleys of life keep our heart pumping, us on our toes and the world around us ever changing. I was energized! So I am picking out outfits getting myself ready both mentally and physically to go somewhere that one of two things could happen. 1. I could walk in and own the fucken place be awesome have fun. 2. absolutely fucken cower behind my towering ItalianStallion like a scared lil girl. I was completely on the fence. Of course there is the 3rd option. Could have been a interesting and informative night. Not just concerning me, but also him. (Prolly a lil of all three)
Well everyone on our Motley lil family seemed to be down, WeddingDress, BlueShirt, LawyerByDayFreakByNight (I will get back to him) and MusicMan all ended up here. Along with one of the Derby Girls who recently had the good fortune to see Israel a couple weeks ago. So I messaged my ToyBoy that we had some people over if he wanted a break from the IT Insanity. OK, I will admit at first when he suggested what he did my stomach lurched.
"Ahh X just came by but she said she would be interested to come, is that OK?"
Well fuck, wait? What? I looked up at the mirror in my bathroom, I had been blow drying my hair and getting ready. Figuring out what to wear, which my ItalianStallion picked. I looked at myself in that Mirror and watched my face twist. Did he really ask if she could come? I processed that shit so fast. I realized, yes! I do want to meet her. Bring her ass over so this ice can be broken why not, what do we have to loose. Well nothing, so far.
I was nervous as hell, I mean down right shaking. Not just because of this soon to be very awkward moment in my friendship with my IMOM, but also I was preparing to go out to a place that challenged my sexuality. Way to line them up Emmy, way to face them fears. So after a short but compelling self pep talk. I was ready to proceed. *sigh* Almost.
When they arrived I was already, pretty much, green skirt black top, had a almost as rare as a "Bad" one, a GOOD hair day. Like that shit went right into place and stayed there. Even now as I type, it still looks amazing. *lol* The clothes I was wearing were both comfy and cute, I was ready for both fears.
She was not a surprise physically, Her hair was bright pink! If Chloe had seen that, Tracy's daughter, I think it would have been an serious fixation. It was also nice to see the both of them extremely nervous as well. I was, but once I sat down got my place and looked up and saw them together, I understood a lil more. I could not be more glad we met. Something bout her is very very intriguing. I want to know more. Is it the other side of my ToyBoy's Story? A bit I am sure, Wish I could give him Richards. I would love for him to get a few minutes of Richards time/view of what happened. But its also her, her outlooks and I love to dig into people who interest me. I wanna know where she came from. Her stand on religion came from somewhere, I wanna know where. The pink hair, I wanna know the story. I wanna know.. I worry, I feel like I could really get on with her, and that brings a whole new slue of possible issues. Fuck it, live, laugh, love!
We talked about a lot. Kinda like that first date with my ToyBoy. Religion, politics, and sex. Awkward to say the least, but only at first. I finally just said what I was thinking and reminded her I was blunt.
"I sit here with a slight What The Fuck over the fact I am with my former lover's soon to be ex wife talking about sex, I just find that interesting."
Honestly I don't remember the convo for a bit after that. Religion, politics, and sex as I said. glances back and forth all ways, wringing of hands playing with things on the table. Then we moved about. Outside, interacted. She got to see the world my IMOM has been hanging out in. The people and the dynamic. Tracy and T very playful and very obviously gonna get dirty later, A very recent addition to my list of awesome people, LawyerByDayFreakByNight (I will find a better name for him, this is a work in progress. A gay boy who is not entirely gay. PanSexual I think is a better term. Sex is sexy and this guy knows it. At work he is a serious lawyer with a code of ethics and a huge need to "walk the straight and narrow". When he gets off work and can let go. This guy is the perfect tails to his head. I wan't to know more. But again, as he is willing to share it. Ahh I know. *lol* When I get to hang with him in his more subdued of sides he will be LawyerFreak, when we hang out and he is the not so subdued version he will be FreakLawyer! Bingo... This guy is so turned on by my ToyBoy. I like to tease them both about it. Awesome Fun.
MusicMan and his other half WeddingDress, Both hung out and enjoyed the energy. For the first time in days the mood in the house was back to normal. Relaxed, light hearted and playful. It was the perfect night for Hmm well, She commented on the blog with her name so its not exactly a secret so I will call her as I do In reality, G. It was the perfect time for G to meet the "family" he has become such a part of. At one point something interesting happened. Me and G connected, we kinda went into out own little convo. His RoyalRascalness walked away for a while.
yeah me n' her need some time alone.. Buwahahahah!
We exchanged important info. Where he and I were as of that point, the cuddles and the chilling, nothing sexual or close. I told her about my date that night and she told me a bit about the "Irons she had in the fire". More religion, some importance or as I debated the unnecessary nature of "group meetings". This chick n her Groups. I see the good in them but I have lived the bad in them. As a Jehovah's Witness I was made to go to 3 different kinds a week and during particularly fanatical times, out in the door to door "Ministry" 3 or more times a week. So I am not saying I am "Forsaking the gathering of ourselves together" I just KNOW there is a fine line between the extremes there." Seeing both sides of this story is invaluable. I only wish I could do the same for my ToyBoy. I do not think, however, I would be as nervous about that meeting.. Nah, not even a little.
So In the midst of hanging out I get a message from my ItallianStallion. Seems he would not be able to make it. I was let down, I won't lie. But I know how busy he is, and it wasn't like the night didn't get sick interesting all of the sudden. I had to shake the initial disappointment, I did not want my mood over it to ruin the general mood of the group. So I went back out. Sat down and listened to the bantering. FreakLawyer was in rare form. He came close to offending me and Tracy knows how hard it is. But he saw it and piped down. *lol* BlueShirt, his lover was just bent over laughing everyone was smiling. Everyone, most of all her, she was, talking. She was engaging the family nicely. HisRoyalRascalness was right next to her I on the other side and I stared at people for a while listened. And slowly walked my self through a hard time. I wanted to wrap my arms around my ToyBoy and say "ahh well let downs is a bitch". Give em a hug hear him say something either overly cynical and make me laugh and or completely smart and consoling.
But I couldn't I wouldn't
Bugger! (I picked that one specially for him) Yeah but I did OK and before I knew it I had had a couple more beers talked with people, FreakLawyer was doing is usual "Court jester" type shit. (he should do stand up I think. I really do) ToyBoy and G were chatting with T which I had hoped she would do. I just sat and listened and laughed. Then they had to leave. Everyone hugged HisRoyalRascalness decided to give me a good sniff and nuzzle when he hugged me. He knows just how, and they left. I was just stunned. I have used the analogy before but it fits. Like a goldfish dropped in water just a bit to cold for it. I am standing there, dazed,
What the hell just happened? What did I just do?
I must have looked like I had just shit a watermelon and was recovering from massive internal strain. BlueShirt walks up and hugs me.
"I am sorry about tonight, you look very nice."
It took a solid minute for me to remember what he was talking about. OH! I got let down........
Here is where a change set in with me. I do not think I will have much of a problem anymore with holding on to that "one and only" I washed that out of my hair over the weekend part of that darkness was killing the naive little girl off for good. Erasing all of that brainwashing of youth and in society that says you can only love one person. Lies, and it causes too much heartache. Every one of the people I have and do love give me something different, as I give something different to them. Different from their wife, a girl friend or another lover. Time to narrow down what it is I want from each of mine. LOL Or more correctly. What it is they give and why they are still around.
Thanks to my ItalianStallion I am delving into the swingers world again for the first time in maybe 15 years or more. Diving is the wrong word. I am gonna stick my feet in.. See how the water is and then go from there. Might just be an occasional foot soak, with a random Dive in head first once in a while. Go With The Flow.....
We all go to bed and I wake the next day still feeling groovy! Make coffee, still mumbling to myself "what the fuck happened last night?" I ended up spending the day in conversations with HisRoyalRascalness and G my ItallianStallion and of all people, my mother. Yes, a diverse and interesting day. I put on a pair of my jeans and start bitching about how, they fall off me. Well, Tracy tosses me a size 16 pair of jeans and I shake em. Nah no way not yet, I slip a leg in. I still got too much belly going on they wont even button, I slip my other leg in. It wont even go up my hips....
NO FUCKEN WAY! Yeah Size 16.... I have a ass in jeans for the first time since my 20's. Tracy had me try on a lot of jeans and they all fit so well. So there Icing on the cake! No, not yet. More Icing. I had a visit from HisRoyalRascalness.. Yes a true proper evening of bubble time just as he has in the past and I hope in the future we can do it more! So badly needed and perfectly timed. I even had him giggling genuinely. And he had me grinnin ear to ear when he left. Just the usual Nuzzle, cuddle, rub, nuzzle
"Yer a bad girl Emmy Lou Marie"
"Rascals!"
Nah just a kitty needs her ears scratched. And your a rascal Ty for giving em a scratch. Hope I gave you a bit of juice in yer batteries. Tomorrow I may be rather quiet. I am up at 3:42 am writing not just this but Baptism. So who knows, when I will be coherent. And then with the weekend coming we like to clean in lieu of company. So make them IT problems go away with flair and I will speak to you soon. Thank you for keeping me on my toes, I hope yer still on yours! Love ya ToyBoy
That's a very sweet 16 :))
ReplyDeletexx