This letter is scary for me. It's gonna be a bit of a confusion, I know this because I am confused. Where the heart goes and where your mind tries to lead it can be two completely different things. The body thrown in there. The desire for closeness and companionship. Seems to always throw a wrench in things. *yells at her clit to shut up*
I have been watching the people around me lately and then paying close attention to how I react to things. Listening as they bitch and complain or Exclaim and celebrate. Why do we have such a hard time holding on to triumph when even the smallest fucken bad happens.
"Yesterday I had the most awesome B day party! I have awesome friends!"
Then the next day their life is shit because they were shorted some money or they got a bump on their car. Ya know what. SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! I am just dumbfounded. I am guilty of it too. Getting better tho. Life is really a pain in the ass right now. Looking for work, living on 150 a week (which incidentally is my rent) I am sick and got the flu. And I dunno what I am gonna do about money. I've applied many places and possibilities. But when yer someone who cannot be on their feet for very long because it will mean you will end up OFF them for an extended period of time.. It makes it hard. But ya know what? Something will and has to give. It always does.
So why is it that we do this? Consistently let bad no matter the magnitude fuck any good we have had? Who knows, I just know I am going to do my best to ignore the bad unless its a danger, and unless I can fix it. I am gonna pick out every bit of positive I can. I need to be positive, so many around me are just so stuck in negative, as I had been since the surgery. A lot of em are doing it to themselves. I still hate to see it though. I love them all so much.
I always told my ToyBoy, I think dating multiple people at once can be too complicated. And once I hit Complication i turn tail. Easy, simple, down to earth. That is what I thrive on. But since my ToyBoy and I decided to put ourselves where we are with each other and I started dating more vigorously. I know I am right. I dunno, there's the sides peeking out again. I have been asking myself a question a lot lately. "What do I really want" In a Man, In my life, in the future.
I always end up on what it is I can offer to a Man, my life and my future. After all Life is what ya make it right?
I am not a dumb woman, I am not an over "main stream" sexy woman. I am however a real woman. I love to cook, I love to keep a house. I have some physical issues that make finding work hard. But I always seem to eventually. I do want to write and get paid for it. I love to do it and I think I do it well. (barring crappy grammar and spelling sometimes) I love with all I am and very deeply. Why do I have a problem with the "What I want" part of this process.
I want a man who will not only accept me as the kind of woman who enjoys that gender roll to a degree but loves it about me. I don't want to be any ones slave or maid. But I love to take care of my man. I love to make our home a comfy place he can come home to and feel relaxed. This was not good enough for my ex husband, whether I was working or not. I do not want to be made to feel less than him, and I will not stand for that. (there is more but for some reason its just not ready to be said)
This week I had a interesting happening, but made me think a bit about what it is I want from any future relationships. Like I said I have the flu. Nasty bug, had no clue my armpits could hurt but yeah.. There ya go. I again was chatting with someone I had been for a while on web site where I met my ToyBoy. Hmm What should we call him..... KnightInShiningArmor Sounds good. Because its kinda what he did. I had just come down with this bug and I needed the usual. Chicken broth, ginger ale, lemons, and honey. My ToyBoy, ItalianStallion, Tracy and Tayana where busy and dealing with their own demons, I do not have a car, and there was no way I could afford 7-11 prices. So I was dreaming out loud in text with him about how some honey n lemon tea would be nice. I knew his profession, a lawyer, but I had met many lawyers in NY during my divorce. This guy even in the brief moment I met him was a little different. He offered to bring the things I wanted by after his business dinner. I am sick, I needed some comfort. Not believing he would even show I said sure.
Well, he pulls up and walks up to my door holding three bags of goodies. Orange blossom Honey, Chicken Broth, Orange juice, Lemons and some tortilla (I won't lie the tortilla chips made me wonder) But it was perfect! I hugged em. He hugged back and I, kinda in my sick daze, just didn't let go. I can't help it I'm a baby when I am sick. Want to be cuddled and petted and held. So I indulged in the hug. And it was nice. (he didn't smell to bad either). We chatted a little. He didn't run away when he saw I was in far to baggy Jeans and a Sweat shirt. Smiled and said when I am feeling better, he'd like to get together. Nah who want's to have dinner with a well dressed kind and handsome lawyer. *lol* I really wanna see him again. Need to get some questions answered.
It was odd to me, he had never met me before, we had chatted a bit but all he knew of how I looked was the pictures I put on the site. Angles ladies, it's all about the angles. He calls me Doll.. I dunno something about that term makes me smile.
I do miss my ToyBoy and ItalianStallion, Both are dealing with some shit. Jobs, Divorce, illness, INSANITY! I wish I could make all of my ToyBoy's issues go away. Only he can do that tho, and it will take him being firm and realizing he has the power and to use it. Divorce really fucks us up don't it? I will never, personally, be the same.
///I am worried about you ToyBoy. So very much. there's a ache in my stomach for you, and I am looking forward to talking with you again soon. Get what ya need to do done, and then DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO, TO BE OK. It's gonna suck, hurt, yer gonna bleed. But in the end you will be happier, freer and everyone will be able to move on and heal. I am here, Just give a jingle.///
My ItallianStallion is having job issues. Right now its so screwed up, the economy. I feel like I'm drowning and I am a lil scared of the future right now. I know how he is feeling. It's not fair. People with good work ethic are being punished right now. No matter how hard you work, you cannot make ends meet. I myself am still trying to get all the paperwork needed for a insulin program, So I can get my insulin. As it is now I am going even lighter on the carbs that I have in the past. I am scared, I wont lie. I have sat a couple nights here in my room, wondering what the use is. Then, Honey, lemon, Orange juice, chicken broth and even the Tortilla's to the rescue. Its because of people like Tracy, Puppet, Zircon (two to talk about soon) Tayana, Kim, Olivia, ToyBoy, TheItallianStallion, and TheKinghtInShiningArmor. People who not only show me that I am not alone in the daily struggles, but who, in their own way remind me of the good in the world. That spoon full of sugar, that helps the medicine go down.
Negativity breeds it's self. It's so hard to see the positives when very little is. You know I know this all to well right now. I keep trying to convince myself that this is the darkest before dawn. There is good that has happened, like finally getting a truck and a chance at a promising career path in a few more weeks. This is hard for me though. I have never been so broke in my adult life that I couldn't afford a small coffee for more than a day. It certainly has to get better. I'm not perfect, but I'm a good person in general and I deserve better, as you do.
ReplyDeleteKindness is a wonderful thing that the modern world is far too lacking in. A wise lady once told me You should do a random act of kindness every day". "It doesn't matter if you know the person, or if they are a total stranger". "It makes the world a better place". "When the person should say how can I ever thank you", "just say show the same kindness to another when you can". I'm thinking Mr. Lawyer knows this. Some people asked me when I would do things to help when you were going through the divorce thing, when I barely had what I needed for myself. I told these people that a little kindness never hurt anyone. You get what you give. If I have a sandwich and the person next to me is hungry, I will give them half, In hopes they will do the same for someone else someday. Just like negativity breeds negativity, positive breeds positive. A random act of kindness is about as positive as it gets.
xx
It really does Jack. I am also learning to keep myself separate from people when I am in that neg head space!
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