Letter 16 - Diplomatic Relations.

  Diplomacy,  an important skill.   Without it there would be a lot more reason to not want to make amends or build bridges.  It's not just something you do to keep things OK In the moment,  during an initial meeting, or to keep it kosher at a mitigation of some sort.   Its something you practice even when not in the presence of the other party.  It's a way of thinking.  It's a way to say,

I see our differences but I also see our similarities.  I can overlook the negative if you can do the same.

  This diplomatic behavior includes, also,  the act of overlooking a wrong done to you or even because of you.   It involves not sweating the little things,  which can be a lot of work.   Also takes understanding that what is a little thing to you may be someone's end of the world,  from their view.   Some people can dance this interpersonal jig quite well.  Others have two left brains (or two right-side),  thus making it hard for them to find the balance needed.

  This weekend has been a wake up call, a unveiling of the man behind the mirror,  and a lesson in the difference between acceptance and tolerance.   It's been a weekend where some learned what real friendship and love is.   I hope it has also set some people on a path to better themselves in ways that are a matter of life and death.

  Back to diplomacy for just a sec.   I am finding myself needing to use this a lot lately and its been a good pop quiz for my own skills in this area.  This blog is becoming my homework it seems.  So how do I diplomatically express myself over the past few days?  I have avoided a entry because I was worried about that.  I have had a cross over into my life that has provided a new and interesting challenge.   As always the answer is prioritizing.

A place for everything,  and everything in its place.

  Every story has many sides.  As many as the people involved.   When I rebelled against my family's Religion as a young adult.  Left the Jehovah's Witnesses and began my own "Baptism of Stains"  I first learned this tid bit.   Mostly because it was my side no one seemed to care to hear.   Eventually after time passed I began to speak my side louder,  this brought me the other sides of MY story.   So in that I saw 4 other sides to the story than mine.  My Brothers,  he saw me driving my family mad.  being rebellious.  He saw my mother cry harder and harder,  my father withdraw more and more,  My sister simply bury herself in her life and do her best to just be "the good one" my mother saw the seams of her family ripping apart and my father,  well I only saw him when it was "Necessary"  so who knows what he was seeing.

Irony there huh ToyBoy.  Something you say all along.   I do agree,  its all one big exp we all see from a different view!

   Ah son of a bitch.  I am chanting again,

You are who you are,
do not change a bit.
Do as you do
Let them throw a fit.

An open ear,  this is what I have had the past few days.   I haven't said much really about how I personally have experienced things.  Only to HisRoyalRascalness.   And even then it was the edited for content version.

Processing, Please wait.........

 This weekend there was a life saved and some changed forever.  Minds were opened and then filled with a lot to comprehend.  But we all are and will be sifting thru the events of this weekend for a long time.    When someone's body says,

"That's it I am done,  lights off."

   It is time to take notice of that message.   I almost lost my ToyBoy this weekend.  I do not think I can impress enough what I went through.  I know I cannot.  I think it is really why I haven't expressed in many words how grateful I am he is still walking among us.  I take partial responsibility.  But only partial.  I should have made him eat.  I give credit however to my sis Tracy.  She saved his life.  I will never be able to express enough how grateful I am.  And how grateful I know ToyBoy is.

  Little too much fun not enough food.  This is what happened.  I have felt what he has in that moment before but I never seen it,  actually seen what happens when your blood sugar drops to nothing.   One moment he and I were chatting and the next he collapsed backward and hit the back of his head on the wall and floor behind him.  He was grey,  no color.   I went into a daze and was hurried away from him and slumped against the wall under a huge mirror.    Once there all I heard was the sounds that he was making.  To clarify,  he was making none.   He had stopped breathing no breaths no reactions to stimuli.   My eyes closed I listened to everyone speaking,  rushing about,  getting him on his back.  I heard the voices,  but I retained no words.   I couldn't feel my body other than this odd awareness of the floor boards under me and the beating of my heart in my ears.  Tracy gave him one good breath of her own air and he gasped and came too.   Fans, water,  bananas mineral water.   Foot steps all around me.

 "no no no"  is all I could say,  if I was saying it,  I may have been just thinking it.

  "Too many around him,   I can't get to him.  It's ok,  they got him,  get a hold of yourself."   I don't know why I detached as hard as I did.  Little too much partying.  Prolly,  not as young as I used to be.  Time to slow it down?    Yes,  from now on the level is being brought down in my world in this respect.   My birthday,  nothing like this again not until my birthday.   They got him up and on the couch.   I laid next to him,  afraid to touch him.   So afraid so fucken afraid.    He was being force fed bananas,  and coconut water.

Get that blood sugar up and yer blood flowing Wake up!

  It took me a long time to come back to the group.   I wandered,  yes I avoided him for a little while.  I needed to process things and get my head screwed on.  I really was effected.  But he almost died,  my sis Tracy and Kim,  her girl BlueShirt.  All are the reason he is alive right now.  I don't know if i can ever really thank them.   I know ToyBoy will forever be thanking them right along with me.

  I almost lost you,
We almost lost you,
 The world,  almost lost you.

 This event was,  I think,  a effect of a lot of things that had been going on,  not just physical issues alone.  Stress,  confusion,  heartbreak.   All kinda part of why His body said  "ENOUGH!"

Diplomacy:
You are who you are,
do not change a bit.
Do as you do
Let them throw a fit.

  In my previous letter I expressed happiness in a new person in my world.  G,  ToyBoy's soon to be Ex wife.   Intelligent,  thoughtful,  and very full of positive in our first meeting I knew I wanted to know more about her.  Good  or Bad,  all info is good info.   The more you know,  the easier it is to understand,  the more you understand,  the more diplomatic you can be.  It also tells you if being diplomatic will work.   Takes more than one try,  however,  to know if it will not work.  if you want peace,  truly want peace,  you will make more than one or two tries at diplomacy.   The line varies from case to case.   If ya walk in to talks and people immediately try to shoot you.  You then know to back away and not revisit.

  I think this is where I am when it comes to G.  I want to know more,  but not to quickly and not too seriously.   I keep assuring my ToyBoy what side of the court my feet rest in.  I also warn him I will express when I think he is missing something from his view.   My ability to really respect a person becomes even deeper when I can see them take blame as well as give it.  I have seen and heard my ToyBoy take blame for a lot of things in his life as well as place it.   I have seen him see the dire negative in someone and be able to ignore it when it is not unhealthy,  and embrace someone for their beauty.   I have given him many reasons to use my negatives against me,  for instance.   To lay into me for being so damn fatalistic.  For being so stubborn.  I have seen him feel hate,  but never be hateful.  For every negative thing he says about someone or something he adds a positive.    I do not see him boast about good he has done,  beg for accolades or rewards for his good deeds.   I have however, seen him almost beg for constructive criticism.

  Humility,  Diplomacy,  Acceptance.   All qualities I look for in any kind of "Ship"  (Relationship,  friendship yadda)   What about loyalty?  Yes,  loyalty this word is so,  over analyzed.  It is also where I differ from a lot of people in my view of my world.    Loyalty is not something I value only in the flesh.  But of the heart as well.  This also does not mean I am the only one someone should have loyalty to.  Again loyalty comes in many forms and on many levels.   All or nothing,  black and white.   I am sorry,  there are too many amazing colors.   Even the shades of grey absolutely fascinate me!  So when I meet someone who has this kind of thinking.   One it reminds me of life before I broke free of that in the extreme,  but also can effect my own thinking as well.  I fight to stay out of extremes in that way.   I turn tail and run when I am faced with a even seemingly Immovable force of that kind.

  So after having some time to talk,  my arms open,  my world exposed to her,  friends family,  my heart on my sleeve,  as I always seem to wear it.  It was revisited with a strong negative feedback.  So the world closes up.     My Heart disappears under my sleeve and I do not let it in.   This because I am truly honest.   I will tell it like it is if necessary.  If,  however,  it is not necessary to say anything.  I do not,  and I will not.   I will simply withdraw from what bears itself as a negative influence or visit it with protective emotional armor.

  After the whole low blood sugar incident,  he spent the night,  not that I would have let him go anywhere until I knew he would be OK.    Always sleep so well next to him.  He was a lil more,  clingy than usual.  As was I.  Under the circumstances,  Id say it was perfectly understandable.  grateful he was there,  grateful his scent is on my pillow,  grateful he is alive to leave it there again.   A Late dinner at Peter Pan Diner in Ft Lauderdale then right to bed.   He spent the whole day Saturday and I made sure he ate regular.
Simply,  grateful.



 I kept to myself what was going on inside this weekend ToyBoy,  I did so because of many reasons.  I am grateful to Tracy and the group who kept you here.  I am angry at you for not taking better care,  I am mad at myself for not forcing some food in yer belly.   I am glad you learned a lesson in unconditional love.   (I hope you have)   How much a part of this family you have become.  Most of all,  I am proud of myself.  Under the circumstances.  I was able to self soothe,  In crisis,  I needed no one to help.  I kept myself where I needed to be,  and again,  under the circumstances it was a damn good job.     It scared me,  I saw a glimpse of never having you in my world again.  I didn't like it,  not under those circumstances.   Every so often I see it happen in my head.  The vision of my ToyBoy,  my friend, my Mirror,  in a crumpled pile grey and lifeless.   I shudder and shake my head.  "No no no"  Not again. 

  I do Love you,  you Rascal.    Perfectly placed.  Perfectly....