I have been MIA for a few days and will be for a while. It's a Roller Coaster this life. Short one, just because I had to get something out of me like immediately. Things have gotten very hard as of now. Busy, stressful and distracting.
I won't even pretend that I am surprised, or let anyone believe that I am hurt by everyone who have proven this theory fact in my life. Some had very good reason and I would have had it no other way to see them walk away. It hurts but not the same as those who do it in an outright attack on you or your world. Even if it is in the heat of the moment, a passionate exchange, or in a drunken rage. What's done is done, maybe it's just me, but when a board in the floor of my room shows a bit too much give, I tend to tread lightly on it, or, I simply stop going near it if possible. It's just how I work.
Should I restate the theory? The title is my theory, "The least valuable, is the first discarded". This is true! Not just for things, but people as well. Discarded may be the wrong word, or need some clarification. You can discard something, without throwing it away. Toss a crumpled up piece of paper to the corner. It can sit there for days, collect dust and not be actually thrown away for a long time. So Discarded is much better than "thrown away" both has happened to me in my life. All of us have had it happen. We have done it to other people. Different degrees and levels, as all things in life. Some people, it is the pattern in their lives. A personality trait maybe? Do they do it to themselves or is it just luck of the draw?
Those people are the ones who pick up the slack. They are always there, available, willing, and even at times eager to be there for someone. They are also the ones who end up carrying their burdens very much alone. Some tend to have a hard time asking. They can't or won't impose, they feel as if they will be perceived as weak so they won't, or are scared of being rejected, left with not only feeling alone, but not deserving of or being important enough to be there for. *Shrugs* It's a bitch.
I don't bring people into my life as deeply as I have some lately. It's been wonderful, scary, and a little unsettling as of late. But for all of them I have brought into my life, I find myself brought so little into theirs. Personality flaw on my part, more than likely. I am the common Denominator after all. Even if I am brought in deeply I am reminded over and over of how quickly I can be removed or that I am actually the "Least Valuable" of their "Human Belongings". I am not wrong in this perception, nor am I wrong to feel as I do about really needing some "Personalized attention" I am empty, I have given it out in droves to everyone in my life. Not just in crisis for them, but also in the most accomplished of moments. I find myself without that support or "attention" when I am in crisis, but almost always in best moments. So I really am at this point of "What the fuck?".
So I have shut down, there is nothing for anyone anymore. I need to refill, and I am working on that. Right now, I am feeling I don't want to live. Now, I didn't say I wanted to kill myself, please. *rolls her eyes* I just am tired of trying, giving, and getting nowhere but put on a back burner, shelved, discarded, or thrown away. I am kind of in a tail spin. Part of me wishes a truck would come along and stop it completely. The other part is desperately grasping the wheel, eyes closed trying to make it stop. Unfortunately the only thing that keeps spinning in my mind are the words,
"It doesn't really matter."
///You are doing exactly what you must, and what I expected to happen all along ToyBoy. Follow your gut always, but temper it with your mind. I wish her so much luck. Tho I do envy her, she can live like she is going to die, some just live wishing they would, other's don't live at all. My door is open my friend, as always. Take care of yourself too.///
While "it doesn't matter", remember that you matter. You have to know this and live it. There are people that treat you like you don't matter from day one and never change. There are people that don't think you matter, but come to realize you do, albeit sometimes too late. There are those that you matter to at first, but leave you discarded when their and/or your life changes and you become the least valued card in the hand. Sometimes there will be someone who you matter to, but things life brings can make you feel discarded. This can even happen because someone with an alterer motive plants things about you in that person's mind, so they will leave you feeling discarded. That same person often hurts just as much, if not more, when they realize how they made you feel and has to live with the mistakes they made.
ReplyDeleteWe have been through all these scenerios. I think your choosing to call it discarded is very wise and valid. However, someone who leaves you feeling discarded, may feel the guilt of throwing you away, if they realize their err, but are never forgiven. Forgiveness brings healing, but one who wrongly discards someone, usually still bears a loss. Yes, it's not wrong to feel differently about them than before, but it can be a greater loss to discard that person. They may not be what you once hoped they'd be, but a greater worth can sometimes be found.
xx