I think you can romanticize almost everything. Women are especially good at doing this. Why? because most men are lost when it comes to romance. The difference between the sexes there is irrefutable. Women feel, men think.
I have finally had an proper visit with TheKnightInShiningArmor. At first It was to be a evening, but a deadline, important business matters. Turned it into a a quick exchange of information and well, heh lets call it. "Personalized Relaxation Therapy" *laughs* To remind you who this guy is. He is the lawyer who brought me Honey lemon chicken broth and ginger ale when I was sick after only talking to me for a bit on the net. He is a good heart, dominant soul, and a bit of a goof ball I think if ya get him in the right place. (Can't wait to find out)
He picked me up and we went somewhere to chat. He asked me to read my blog to him. So, I did. The last one "Night Terrors" Halfway through as I stood in front of the AC cooling off reading it to him from my phone he came over and slipped my skirt off, my Top then asked me to get my boots on. He wanted to watch me put them on. Now, I have many insecurities when it comes to my body. Some I can hide quite well. Others are just impossible to ignore at times. But he took control.
"I don't like being naked in front of people its a fear." I said slipping my boots on and zipping em up.
"How do you get over a fear doll?"
"You face it."
"Exactly." He said.
His eyes on my were at first very uncomfy. He didn't give me time to focus on it. He touched me. He enjoyed me, he saw beauty even in my nakedness. Every one of my Insecurities there for him to see, touch, smell. He took control. Showed me how sexy I was and how much he wanted to experience me, Perfect.
Now, I knew he needed some "relaxation" his marriage is such where, like a lot of them, the passion is not there, he and his wife have grown apart and with a child, well, you make sacrifices. As unhappy as he is in his marriage, he knows being a lawyer how unpleasant for many reasons things will be in a divorce. So for his son, he keeps with her. But he makes sure to get what he needs in his life to continue being a good father, a provider. And for a man, this can mean regular Sexual release. Good thing my libido is generally the same.
Was quick, the initial play. Full of a lot of interesting new sensations for me. Eh, new, not new really, just had been a long time. He knew what he wanted and he took it. In a way that my ToyBoy had expressed interest in but has yet, I say yet, to have the balls to take from me his, as his wife labeled it, "Physical playmate". It was a position I had never done before. But, I like. I came twice in a short time and then he did as well.
Half way through my reading he stopped me and had me lay on the bed with my head bent backwards over the edge. I had never experienced such a deep throat penetration. I liked it. He had me fuck myself with my dildo reaching down and playing with me as I did myself slapping my tits so perfectly throughout. Quick, simple, and effective. It wasn't 10-15 and we were laid out on our backs naked and talking again about my blog. Finishing the reading and then he began to give me feedback.
He said the same things ToyBoy said about my writing with a couple new things to think about. Suffering, important he said.
"You are on the road to being great. Your honesty is your novelty. But do not be so worried about the struggles, the torcher in your life. It is what drives you and will make your writing more potent."
I get it, starving artist. I reminded him if I wasn't diabetic I would embrace the emptiness that lack of food on occasion gives. That I am not afraid of hardship. But that I am worried about my health. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate being diabetic. So we laid there for a lil over a hour. I learned a bit about him and his marriage, his little boy of whom he is so proud and loves very much.
Things noted during the exchange: as we laid there his fingers played on my shoulder and side my head on his tummy. Tactile.. I like that. He had wanted to have a few drinks, hang out whatever but deadlines at work had him back at the office again until 11pm. So quick and Perfect first exchange. Before I left he handed me some cash.
"Look as a friend Emmy, please take this. Get something to eat and I will help you with groceries this week."
Not necessary, Eh, wrong word. Not Required, but very much appreciated In the place I am now as far as money. I will not refuse. He has told me about some books that will help me as he says,
"They will ramp my writing up to the next level. I will drop em off." Anything to make my dream of publishing come true, call me anytime, just jingle I will help you relax... ;D
I have a bed to buy after all. My ToyBoy, I know his blocks with me. I know I recognize and I accept them. It does not hurt my self esteem that he has In no uncertain terms told me that there are things about my physical self that is not exactly a "turn on for him" My weight, my overly casual dress at times. He refers to it as a American way of dressing. He is right you know. For the most part Americans do not really dress with much pride most of the time. If I had the stuff in my closet. I would dress nicely always. In the place he is now, coming out of a marriage to what I have learned is a my way or the highway kind of mentality, I do not blame him even one little bit to reach for things his way. As of now, I am not "His way". Not entirely. Bits of me, Like bits of him connect with bits of me so perfectly. There are things that do not. I know what I offer him and what he offers me. And he knows too.
Tower, home point, non threatening, unconditional, love.
Walking through a field, smells like it just rained. The grass under my bare but whole feet as I look down on them, was bright and vivid green. The ants visible on blades of grass as they move about. I could feel my feet on the ground but my head felt as if I was flying in an air plane and observing my feet from thousands of miles in the air. As I walk I hear footsteps other than my own. Hurried and shuffling, voices strong and full of purpose, and some, at this point, soothing calm music.
The fact that I have all my toes and pink soft feet becomes old news some how and I look up. Not to the front of me but straight up. The entire sky looks like it does at sunset here in south Florida, as if four suns were setting in all four directions. Cotton Candy on a blue felt backdrop. They were all moving uniformly the shape, color, and shading of each cloud stayed the same. It was so pronounced that I could not resist walking in that direction. I stepped forward still looking up, in awe of the absolute edibility of the clouds in the sky.
Mmm Cotton Candy.
I licked my lips and could almost taste and feel the crystals on my chin when my step put my leg mid calf in a cool pool of clear water. I looked down at my foot worried the water might make my feet worse. Before the instinct to pull my foot out took control I remembered they had, somehow, been healed. Wiggling my toes into the soft sandy bottom smiling, letting my other foot disappear below the water. It was so cool, and clear I could see the sand on the bottom was the whiter than any sand I had seen on any of the islands I have visited on cruises. I reached in and took up a hand full watching it flow thru my fingers smooth like baby powder. This is when my eyes focused on the landscape around me.
I was in a valley, large and very plains like. There were hundreds of these pools., circles cut into the ground at equal distances. Dotting the landscape with shiny watering holes. I heard a different kind of music, cheerful but scary, Kingdom melodies. The sounds of my childhood. I looked around confused, something from the center of the pool caught my eye, I moved out to it. Lying in the water, flat on his back and in good christian attire was Brother Koza. This Man will mean nothing to most readers. He was the member of the "Anointed Class" of Jehovah's Witnesses. One of the 144,000 that by that religion's count are the number of people who will be "worthy" of Heaven. He was a friend, and he "went to heaven" when I was young, before my Baptism of Stains began. I reached in and touched the tip of his well shined shoe, his body was rigid, tapping his toe made it begin move in circles the water. I tried to scream. But nothing came out. Like a silent film, no sound, just body language.
I fell backwards into the water and crawled out onto the grass again. This was the first time I looked down at myself. That white sundress I love so much but am afraid to wear, Nothing spectacular, really. Save for the fact my dress was unsullied and dry. My feet were clean and it was like I had never stepped into that pool. I stood eyes fixed on the body still doing circles in the center of a circle pond. The water still moving and rippling from my presence in it. Little circles flowing across the surface of the water...
Circles
I looked more closely at the many pools around me, still the clouds moved and I was unable to resist following them. This time I did so looking around me. Avoiding stepping in the pools again. I was ready for the next one, or so I thought. I tried to see the bottom of it before I got to the edge, bright sky reflected so brightly on the surface it was futile. I stepped to the edge and felt my breath catch. Grandma Covert, Strongest woman I have ever known. Creative and a loyal wife. She was as I remember her at her viewing. Her salt and pepper hair wavy and tied back. I did not touch her, I did when in the casket. I didn't want that experience again. I backed out of the pool and balled up my fists.
"Where am I?" no sound, I felt my voice in my chest, the vibrations in my ears. But no sound.
Moving faster now I went to each pool on what now appeared to be a path. large miss matched stones forming a one I either had not seen before or had just appeared to what? Help? Each pool I went to held another memory of someone I lost in my life. I saw my grandfather, grandmother, Marge Parker, a woman I knew who died of bone cancer after years of suffering.
The second to last pool sent me to my knees. This pool was much smaller than the rest. Floating in the center was something I only recognized because of how long I had looked at it at the time in my life when I suffered this loss. It was simply tissue, the child I lost in the bathroom of a hospital because they thought my pregnancy was all in my head. It wasn't until shortly after I was sitting in the rest room for the er waiting room holding this tissue, that they got the information on my pregnancy from the clinic and did another test to indeed see I was pregnant. Emphasis on was.
I fell on my knees at the edge of the pool and cried silently. A familiar scent rolled past my nose, comforting, awakening, motivating. I crawled where the smell had wafted my way from. I approached the edge of another pool and looked inside. I braced myself still panting and trembling from the last one. The light from the sky still cast a opaque image of itself on the surface. There were already ripples in this water. Something was moving inside, I got to my feet and saw only a bit of what was sticking out of the image of the sky, the object more blue than even the velvety color of the sky on the water. Then I recognized the smell. HisRoyalRascalness, His hair, blue/grey I swallowed hard and moved into the water. He floated there in the fetal position, face grey eyes devoid of any spark, no life, but he struggled as if wearing an invisible straight jacket. Music in my head changed, driving and harsh. I felt a sinking as if my body was being pushed into the ground. I fell on my knees and turned him over to get his face free of the water. He gasped for air and went limp in my arms.
I screamed, this one very audible, this one, piercing the patronizingly peaceful air of my surroundings. All of my little circle pools rippled as each of my losses stood and pointed at me.
"Inevitable is not absolute." They said in unison. "Make the steps"
They all laid back down in their pool's and the surface in each pool went right back to glassy calm. at this point I realized he was no longer in my arms. But perched at the side of the pool. Grinning at me one knee in the grass an arm resting on the other. His clothes unsullied and dry.
"It will be alright Emmy Lou Marie" he said picking at grass between his fingers. "Peace and calm always right?"
Always you rascal. Always.
"Well get on with it then." he said and before my eyes, his skin went grey, his eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled to the ground. At this moment I was drawn under the water and held there , my nose inches from the surface so close to air needed to survive. I felt my body rock and then darkness.
I sat up in my bed wide awake. I took deep breaths and shook for a moment. Amazed at how vivid it was. How it effected me. I got up to use the bathroom, and when I came back my lights were on someone in my bed. His shoes beside my night stand, Surprise visit! I said out loud and jumped in bed, throwing the blankets back expecting to see him grinning up at me cheekily because of his antics. Instead he was in the fetal position, grey no movement. But this time wet, as if he had been soaking in a pond. I woke and looked at the clock.
Diplomacy, an important skill. Without it there would be a lot more reason to not want to make amends or build bridges. It's not just something you do to keep things OK In the moment, during an initial meeting, or to keep it kosher at a mitigation of some sort. Its something you practice even when not in the presence of the other party. It's a way of thinking. It's a way to say,
I see our differences but I also see our similarities. I can overlook the negative if you can do the same.
This diplomatic behavior includes, also, the act of overlooking a wrong done to you or even because of you. It involves not sweating the little things, which can be a lot of work. Also takes understanding that what is a little thing to you may be someone's end of the world, from their view. Some people can dance this interpersonal jig quite well. Others have two left brains (or two right-side), thus making it hard for them to find the balance needed.
This weekend has been a wake up call, a unveiling of the man behind the mirror, and a lesson in the difference between acceptance and tolerance. It's been a weekend where some learned what real friendship and love is. I hope it has also set some people on a path to better themselves in ways that are a matter of life and death.
Back to diplomacy for just a sec. I am finding myself needing to use this a lot lately and its been a good pop quiz for my own skills in this area. This blog is becoming my homework it seems. So how do I diplomatically express myself over the past few days? I have avoided a entry because I was worried about that. I have had a cross over into my life that has provided a new and interesting challenge. As always the answer is prioritizing.
A place for everything, and everything in its place.
Every story has many sides. As many as the people involved. When I rebelled against my family's Religion as a young adult. Left the Jehovah's Witnesses and began my own "Baptism of Stains" I first learned this tid bit. Mostly because it was my side no one seemed to care to hear. Eventually after time passed I began to speak my side louder, this brought me the other sides of MY story. So in that I saw 4 other sides to the story than mine. My Brothers, he saw me driving my family mad. being rebellious. He saw my mother cry harder and harder, my father withdraw more and more, My sister simply bury herself in her life and do her best to just be "the good one" my mother saw the seams of her family ripping apart and my father, well I only saw him when it was "Necessary" so who knows what he was seeing.
Irony there huh ToyBoy. Something you say all along. I do agree, its all one big exp we all see from a different view! Ah son of a bitch. I am chanting again,
You are who you are,
do not change a bit.
Do as you do
Let them throw a fit.
An open ear, this is what I have had the past few days. I haven't said much really about how I personally have experienced things. Only to HisRoyalRascalness. And even then it was the edited for content version.
Processing, Please wait......... This weekend there was a life saved and some changed forever. Minds were opened and then filled with a lot to comprehend. But we all are and will be sifting thru the events of this weekend for a long time. When someone's body says,
"That's it I am done, lights off."
It is time to take notice of that message. I almost lost my ToyBoy this weekend. I do not think I can impress enough what I went through. I know I cannot. I think it is really why I haven't expressed in many words how grateful I am he is still walking among us. I take partial responsibility. But only partial. I should have made him eat. I give credit however to my sis Tracy. She saved his life. I will never be able to express enough how grateful I am. And how grateful I know ToyBoy is.
Little too much fun not enough food. This is what happened. I have felt what he has in that moment before but I never seen it, actually seen what happens when your blood sugar drops to nothing. One moment he and I were chatting and the next he collapsed backward and hit the back of his head on the wall and floor behind him. He was grey, no color. I went into a daze and was hurried away from him and slumped against the wall under a huge mirror. Once there all I heard was the sounds that he was making. To clarify, he was making none. He had stopped breathing no breaths no reactions to stimuli. My eyes closed I listened to everyone speaking, rushing about, getting him on his back. I heard the voices, but I retained no words. I couldn't feel my body other than this odd awareness of the floor boards under me and the beating of my heart in my ears. Tracy gave him one good breath of her own air and he gasped and came too. Fans, water, bananas mineral water. Foot steps all around me.
"no no no" is all I could say, if I was saying it, I may have been just thinking it.
"Too many around him, I can't get to him. It's ok, they got him, get a hold of yourself." I don't know why I detached as hard as I did. Little too much partying. Prolly, not as young as I used to be. Time to slow it down? Yes, from now on the level is being brought down in my world in this respect. My birthday, nothing like this again not until my birthday. They got him up and on the couch. I laid next to him, afraid to touch him. So afraid so fucken afraid. He was being force fed bananas, and coconut water.
Get that blood sugar up and yer blood flowing Wake up! It took me a long time to come back to the group. I wandered, yes I avoided him for a little while. I needed to process things and get my head screwed on. I really was effected. But he almost died, my sis Tracy and Kim, her girl BlueShirt. All are the reason he is alive right now. I don't know if i can ever really thank them. I know ToyBoy will forever be thanking them right along with me.
I almost lost you, We almost lost you, The world, almost lost you. This event was, I think, a effect of a lot of things that had been going on, not just physical issues alone. Stress, confusion, heartbreak. All kinda part of why His body said "ENOUGH!"
Diplomacy:
You are who you are,
do not change a bit.
Do as you do
Let them throw a fit.
In my previous letter I expressed happiness in a new person in my world. G, ToyBoy's soon to be Ex wife. Intelligent, thoughtful, and very full of positive in our first meeting I knew I wanted to know more about her. Good or Bad, all info is good info. The more you know, the easier it is to understand, the more you understand, the more diplomatic you can be. It also tells you if being diplomatic will work. Takes more than one try, however, to know if it will not work. if you want peace, truly want peace, you will make more than one or two tries at diplomacy. The line varies from case to case. If ya walk in to talks and people immediately try to shoot you. You then know to back away and not revisit.
I think this is where I am when it comes to G. I want to know more, but not to quickly and not too seriously. I keep assuring my ToyBoy what side of the court my feet rest in. I also warn him I will express when I think he is missing something from his view. My ability to really respect a person becomes even deeper when I can see them take blame as well as give it. I have seen and heard my ToyBoy take blame for a lot of things in his life as well as place it. I have seen him see the dire negative in someone and be able to ignore it when it is not unhealthy, and embrace someone for their beauty. I have given him many reasons to use my negatives against me, for instance. To lay into me for being so damn fatalistic. For being so stubborn. I have seen him feel hate, but never be hateful. For every negative thing he says about someone or something he adds a positive. I do not see him boast about good he has done, beg for accolades or rewards for his good deeds. I have however, seen him almost beg for constructive criticism.
Humility, Diplomacy, Acceptance. All qualities I look for in any kind of "Ship" (Relationship, friendship yadda) What about loyalty? Yes, loyalty this word is so, over analyzed. It is also where I differ from a lot of people in my view of my world. Loyalty is not something I value only in the flesh. But of the heart as well. This also does not mean I am the only one someone should have loyalty to. Again loyalty comes in many forms and on many levels. All or nothing, black and white. I am sorry, there are too many amazing colors. Even the shades of grey absolutely fascinate me! So when I meet someone who has this kind of thinking. One it reminds me of life before I broke free of that in the extreme, but also can effect my own thinking as well. I fight to stay out of extremes in that way. I turn tail and run when I am faced with a even seemingly Immovable force of that kind.
So after having some time to talk, my arms open, my world exposed to her, friends family, my heart on my sleeve, as I always seem to wear it. It was revisited with a strong negative feedback. So the world closes up. My Heart disappears under my sleeve and I do not let it in. This because I am truly honest. I will tell it like it is if necessary. If, however, it is not necessary to say anything. I do not, and I will not. I will simply withdraw from what bears itself as a negative influence or visit it with protective emotional armor.
After the whole low blood sugar incident, he spent the night, not that I would have let him go anywhere until I knew he would be OK. Always sleep so well next to him. He was a lil more, clingy than usual. As was I. Under the circumstances, Id say it was perfectly understandable. grateful he was there, grateful his scent is on my pillow, grateful he is alive to leave it there again. A Late dinner at Peter Pan Diner in Ft Lauderdale then right to bed. He spent the whole day Saturday and I made sure he ate regular.
Simply, grateful.
I kept to myself what was going on inside this weekend ToyBoy, I did so because of many reasons. I am grateful to Tracy and the group who kept you here. I am angry at you for not taking better care, I am mad at myself for not forcing some food in yer belly. I am glad you learned a lesson in unconditional love. (I hope you have) How much a part of this family you have become. Most of all, I am proud of myself. Under the circumstances. I was able to self soothe, In crisis, I needed no one to help. I kept myself where I needed to be, and again, under the circumstances it was a damn good job. It scared me, I saw a glimpse of never having you in my world again. I didn't like it, not under those circumstances. Every so often I see it happen in my head. The vision of my ToyBoy, my friend, my Mirror, in a crumpled pile grey and lifeless. I shudder and shake my head. "No no no" Not again. I do Love you, you Rascal. Perfectly placed. Perfectly....
Ahh interesting few days. OK, dark, I went very dark. Took a spin around on the ridge of that spiral of depressions, self pity, and loneliness. Then, I got over it. I do that sometimes, I think we all do in different ways. I didn't eat anything really much for 3 or so days. Cried, I cried more than I have in a very long time and more consistently than I did ever during my divorce. It was an outpouring. What got me over it? Me, with a lil help from some late night conversations Tuesday night. I showered after those exchanges and went to sleep. Out, dead to the world until 10 am the next day. I woke, had coffee, did what I did the days before sobbing and unbelievably hating every minute. Worked on my resume homework and got my self in order. Then something very cool happened, I got a call back from a Copy Write company for a job. And someone else expressed a serious interest in looking at my almost completed book. Tentative title, "Baptism of Stains". OK yeah, this is a lil crazy, and also giving me something to work for. But I woke ready to take on the world after exiting the darkness in my own way.
Sometimes you just have to cry
Then a little later in the day my ItalianStallion decided he wanted to take me to that Swingers Club after he got done at the fire station. Well now, how the peeks and valleys of life keep our heart pumping, us on our toes and the world around us ever changing. I was energized! So I am picking out outfits getting myself ready both mentally and physically to go somewhere that one of two things could happen. 1. I could walk in and own the fucken place be awesome have fun. 2. absolutely fucken cower behind my towering ItalianStallion like a scared lil girl. I was completely on the fence. Of course there is the 3rd option. Could have been a interesting and informative night. Not just concerning me, but also him. (Prolly a lil of all three)
Well everyone on our Motley lil family seemed to be down, WeddingDress, BlueShirt, LawyerByDayFreakByNight (I will get back to him) and MusicMan all ended up here. Along with one of the Derby Girls who recently had the good fortune to see Israel a couple weeks ago. So I messaged my ToyBoy that we had some people over if he wanted a break from the IT Insanity. OK, I will admit at first when he suggested what he did my stomach lurched.
"Ahh X just came by but she said she would be interested to come, is that OK?"
Well fuck, wait? What? I looked up at the mirror in my bathroom, I had been blow drying my hair and getting ready. Figuring out what to wear, which my ItalianStallion picked. I looked at myself in that Mirror and watched my face twist. Did he really ask if she could come? I processed that shit so fast. I realized, yes! I do want to meet her. Bring her ass over so this ice can be broken why not, what do we have to loose. Well nothing, so far.
I was nervous as hell, I mean down right shaking. Not just because of this soon to be very awkward moment in my friendship with my IMOM, but also I was preparing to go out to a place that challenged my sexuality. Way to line them up Emmy, way to face them fears. So after a short but compelling self pep talk. I was ready to proceed. *sigh* Almost.
When they arrived I was already, pretty much, green skirt black top, had a almost as rare as a "Bad" one, a GOOD hair day. Like that shit went right into place and stayed there. Even now as I type, it still looks amazing. *lol* The clothes I was wearing were both comfy and cute, I was ready for both fears.
She was not a surprise physically, Her hair was bright pink! If Chloe had seen that, Tracy's daughter, I think it would have been an serious fixation. It was also nice to see the both of them extremely nervous as well. I was, but once I sat down got my place and looked up and saw them together, I understood a lil more. I could not be more glad we met. Something bout her is very very intriguing. I want to know more. Is it the other side of my ToyBoy's Story? A bit I am sure, Wish I could give him Richards. I would love for him to get a few minutes of Richards time/view of what happened. But its also her, her outlooks and I love to dig into people who interest me. I wanna know where she came from. Her stand on religion came from somewhere, I wanna know where. The pink hair, I wanna know the story. I wanna know.. I worry, I feel like I could really get on with her, and that brings a whole new slue of possible issues. Fuck it, live, laugh, love!
We talked about a lot. Kinda like that first date with my ToyBoy. Religion, politics, and sex. Awkward to say the least, but only at first. I finally just said what I was thinking and reminded her I was blunt.
"I sit here with a slight What The Fuck over the fact I am with my former lover's soon to be ex wife talking about sex, I just find that interesting."
Honestly I don't remember the convo for a bit after that. Religion, politics, and sex as I said. glances back and forth all ways, wringing of hands playing with things on the table. Then we moved about. Outside, interacted. She got to see the world my IMOM has been hanging out in. The people and the dynamic. Tracy and T very playful and very obviously gonna get dirty later, A very recent addition to my list of awesome people, LawyerByDayFreakByNight (I will find a better name for him, this is a work in progress. A gay boy who is not entirely gay. PanSexual I think is a better term. Sex is sexy and this guy knows it. At work he is a serious lawyer with a code of ethics and a huge need to "walk the straight and narrow". When he gets off work and can let go. This guy is the perfect tails to his head. I wan't to know more. But again, as he is willing to share it. Ahh I know. *lol* When I get to hang with him in his more subdued of sides he will be LawyerFreak, when we hang out and he is the not so subdued version he will be FreakLawyer! Bingo... This guy is so turned on by my ToyBoy. I like to tease them both about it. Awesome Fun.
MusicMan and his other half WeddingDress, Both hung out and enjoyed the energy. For the first time in days the mood in the house was back to normal. Relaxed, light hearted and playful. It was the perfect night for Hmm well, She commented on the blog with her name so its not exactly a secret so I will call her as I do In reality, G. It was the perfect time for G to meet the "family" he has become such a part of. At one point something interesting happened. Me and G connected, we kinda went into out own little convo. His RoyalRascalness walked away for a while.
yeah me n' her need some time alone.. Buwahahahah!
We exchanged important info. Where he and I were as of that point, the cuddles and the chilling, nothing sexual or close. I told her about my date that night and she told me a bit about the "Irons she had in the fire". More religion, some importance or as I debated the unnecessary nature of "group meetings". This chick n her Groups. I see the good in them but I have lived the bad in them. As a Jehovah's Witness I was made to go to 3 different kinds a week and during particularly fanatical times, out in the door to door "Ministry" 3 or more times a week. So I am not saying I am "Forsaking the gathering of ourselves together" I just KNOW there is a fine line between the extremes there." Seeing both sides of this story is invaluable. I only wish I could do the same for my ToyBoy. I do not think, however, I would be as nervous about that meeting.. Nah, not even a little.
So In the midst of hanging out I get a message from my ItallianStallion. Seems he would not be able to make it. I was let down, I won't lie. But I know how busy he is, and it wasn't like the night didn't get sick interesting all of the sudden. I had to shake the initial disappointment, I did not want my mood over it to ruin the general mood of the group. So I went back out. Sat down and listened to the bantering. FreakLawyer was in rare form. He came close to offending me and Tracy knows how hard it is. But he saw it and piped down. *lol* BlueShirt, his lover was just bent over laughing everyone was smiling. Everyone, most of all her, she was, talking. She was engaging the family nicely. HisRoyalRascalness was right next to her I on the other side and I stared at people for a while listened. And slowly walked my self through a hard time. I wanted to wrap my arms around my ToyBoy and say "ahh well let downs is a bitch". Give em a hug hear him say something either overly cynical and make me laugh and or completely smart and consoling. But I couldn't I wouldn't
Bugger! (I picked that one specially for him) Yeah but I did OK and before I knew it I had had a couple more beers talked with people, FreakLawyer was doing is usual "Court jester" type shit. (he should do stand up I think. I really do) ToyBoy and G were chatting with T which I had hoped she would do. I just sat and listened and laughed. Then they had to leave. Everyone hugged HisRoyalRascalness decided to give me a good sniff and nuzzle when he hugged me. He knows just how, and they left. I was just stunned. I have used the analogy before but it fits. Like a goldfish dropped in water just a bit to cold for it. I am standing there, dazed,
What the hell just happened? What did I just do?
I must have looked like I had just shit a watermelon and was recovering from massive internal strain. BlueShirt walks up and hugs me.
"I am sorry about tonight, you look very nice."
It took a solid minute for me to remember what he was talking about. OH! I got let down........
Here is where a change set in with me. I do not think I will have much of a problem anymore with holding on to that "one and only" I washed that out of my hair over the weekend part of that darkness was killing the naive little girl off for good. Erasing all of that brainwashing of youth and in society that says you can only love one person. Lies, and it causes too much heartache. Every one of the people I have and do love give me something different, as I give something different to them. Different from their wife, a girl friend or another lover. Time to narrow down what it is I want from each of mine. LOL Or more correctly. What it is they give and why they are still around.
Thanks to my ItalianStallion I am delving into the swingers world again for the first time in maybe 15 years or more. Diving is the wrong word. I am gonna stick my feet in.. See how the water is and then go from there. Might just be an occasional foot soak, with a random Dive in head first once in a while. Go With The Flow.....
We all go to bed and I wake the next day still feeling groovy! Make coffee, still mumbling to myself "what the fuck happened last night?" I ended up spending the day in conversations with HisRoyalRascalness and G my ItallianStallion and of all people, my mother. Yes, a diverse and interesting day. I put on a pair of my jeans and start bitching about how, they fall off me. Well, Tracy tosses me a size 16 pair of jeans and I shake em. Nah no way not yet, I slip a leg in. I still got too much belly going on they wont even button, I slip my other leg in. It wont even go up my hips....
NO FUCKEN WAY! Yeah Size 16.... I have a ass in jeans for the first time since my 20's. Tracy had me try on a lot of jeans and they all fit so well. So there Icing on the cake! No, not yet. More Icing. I had a visit from HisRoyalRascalness.. Yes a true proper evening of bubble time just as he has in the past and I hope in the future we can do it more! So badly needed and perfectly timed. I even had him giggling genuinely. And he had me grinnin ear to ear when he left. Just the usual Nuzzle, cuddle, rub, nuzzle
"Yer a bad girl Emmy Lou Marie"
"Rascals!"
Nah just a kitty needs her ears scratched. And your a rascal Ty for giving em a scratch. Hope I gave you a bit of juice in yer batteries. Tomorrow I may be rather quiet. I am up at 3:42 am writing not just this but Baptism. So who knows, when I will be coherent. And then with the weekend coming we like to clean in lieu of company. So make them IT problems go away with flair and I will speak to you soon. Thank you for keeping me on my toes, I hope yer still on yours! Love ya ToyBoy
I have been MIA for a few days and will be for a while. It's a Roller Coaster this life. Short one, just because I had to get something out of me like immediately. Things have gotten very hard as of now. Busy, stressful and distracting.
I won't even pretend that I am surprised, or let anyone believe that I am hurt by everyone who have proven this theory fact in my life. Some had very good reason and I would have had it no other way to see them walk away. It hurts but not the same as those who do it in an outright attack on you or your world. Even if it is in the heat of the moment, a passionate exchange, or in a drunken rage. What's done is done, maybe it's just me, but when a board in the floor of my room shows a bit too much give, I tend to tread lightly on it, or, I simply stop going near it if possible. It's just how I work.
Should I restate the theory? The title is my theory, "The least valuable, is the first discarded". This is true! Not just for things, but people as well. Discarded may be the wrong word, or need some clarification. You can discard something, without throwing it away. Toss a crumpled up piece of paper to the corner. It can sit there for days, collect dust and not be actually thrown away for a long time. So Discarded is much better than "thrown away" both has happened to me in my life. All of us have had it happen. We have done it to other people. Different degrees and levels, as all things in life. Some people, it is the pattern in their lives. A personality trait maybe? Do they do it to themselves or is it just luck of the draw?
Those people are the ones who pick up the slack. They are always there, available, willing, and even at times eager to be there for someone. They are also the ones who end up carrying their burdens very much alone. Some tend to have a hard time asking. They can't or won't impose, they feel as if they will be perceived as weak so they won't, or are scared of being rejected, left with not only feeling alone, but not deserving of or being important enough to be there for. *Shrugs* It's a bitch.
I don't bring people into my life as deeply as I have some lately. It's been wonderful, scary, and a little unsettling as of late. But for all of them I have brought into my life, I find myself brought so little into theirs. Personality flaw on my part, more than likely. I am the common Denominator after all. Even if I am brought in deeply I am reminded over and over of how quickly I can be removed or that I am actually the "Least Valuable" of their "Human Belongings". I am not wrong in this perception, nor am I wrong to feel as I do about really needing some "Personalized attention" I am empty, I have given it out in droves to everyone in my life. Not just in crisis for them, but also in the most accomplished of moments. I find myself without that support or "attention" when I am in crisis, but almost always in best moments. So I really am at this point of "What the fuck?".
So I have shut down, there is nothing for anyone anymore. I need to refill, and I am working on that. Right now, I am feeling I don't want to live. Now, I didn't say I wanted to kill myself, please. *rolls her eyes* I just am tired of trying, giving, and getting nowhere but put on a back burner, shelved, discarded, or thrown away. I am kind of in a tail spin. Part of me wishes a truck would come along and stop it completely. The other part is desperately grasping the wheel, eyes closed trying to make it stop. Unfortunately the only thing that keeps spinning in my mind are the words,
"It doesn't really matter."
///You are doing exactly what you must, and what I expected to happen all along ToyBoy. Follow your gut always, but temper it with your mind. I wish her so much luck. Tho I do envy her, she can live like she is going to die, some just live wishing they would, other's don't live at all. My door is open my friend, as always. Take care of yourself too.///
I have to turn to nature for the answer to my questions as of late. As well as to give some people the understanding they need if they wish to be with me. When I am asked what I wan't or where I am going as far as relationships are concerned. I have been saying "I dunno, I am looking, sampling, and seeing who stands out" Makes a lot of sense when it comes to natures way of pairing "couples". After all as my ToyBoy likes to remind me we are, us humans, simply slightly more intelligent animals. We all have our chemistry our general make up is the same. We vary only by the experiences life feeds us to make react or not react to the world around us, people and their actions. So as far as the dating world, ahh fuck it lets just call it what it is. "The Mating World" as far as humans are concerned its the same kinda thing. Initially its the primal, the sensory input that makes us turn a ear or eye toward someone. For me it is more the nose and ears.
If a guy smells good, and his voice picks at my primal strings. If they are intelligent and can communicate well, and love to, that's what makes me take notice. There are different kinds, those strings. Heart strings, those get plucked and strummed much later in the "Mating Ritual". Primal Strings, They get plucked immediately. Some women they are initially drawn to the size, Symmetry, and how Stable (The three S's) a man appears. The car he drives his clothes the way he speaks.. Because women, most at least, are need that stable, strong, and safe mate. (lots of S's) That is the general rule, tho there are exceptions, varying degrees, and certain environmental reasons for the varied standards. How they grew up, for instance. If they saw their mother happy with a man who provided for the family, and was the typical ingrained idea of the perfect Head of house. Then they will tend to search for that and any other quality will be a secondary bonus. Closeness, warmth, and intimacy tends to be some of those "other qualities" they search for as secondary. Where as if they saw there mother and their family with a hard working husband who didn't make quite as much but was there for his family, Then they tend to gravitate toward that.
Then there is girls like me, the ones who are trying to find the balance. Mr Right? Nah, Mr. Parity. Someone I will be with is to compliment what I bring as I will him. I also will not chase, for long at least. You shake yer tail feathers at me and I will let you know I am interested and shake mine back. But I will not shake em forever. I spent so long not expecting what most of the other girls do. I didn't think I was enough to BE enough for anyone. Yeah I am, and I won't settle for anything less. I won't settle for being a back burner girl, or something that is an option. So when I find the guy that puts me in his world, I will be in his world. THEN all others will fall off my Radar. In the mean time, I am seated atop the mountain a crappy marriage and shitty Divorce sat me. I am Worth the effort. I am worth the time. (Affirmations YAY!)
So generally, Loyalty comes when the heart strings are plucked, and to pluck the heartstrings you need to dig deeper, and put out more than just Physical, or just mental, or just emotional. You gotta put out some of all three. I am not OK in a relationship where it is all Physical and material, I am not happy in a relationship where it is all intellectual or mental, need I say if yer all emotional I will run away? I will give my heart soul and mind to someone, if they do the same. There is a saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" It can also make the heart grow forgetful. Presence is a big deal to me. So there we have the penguins. Mate for life. Puffins too I believe. Be a fixture in my world, not a anomaly. I do not weigh worth on money or material worth. It's a bonus but I am happy with MY basic necessities, Food Clothing shelter and CONTACT. If ya don't want to be with me, don't be. If ya do, do it. If you are in my world i will make it clear you are always welcome. My ToyBoy has learned that. My Door is open guys, ya just gotta walk through. I know that in the end i want that partner, I need to just find out who and what that is. The more balanced the better is all i can say.
Now what brought this on? I had a question asked of me in jest by my ItallionStallion. "Are you looking for a boyfriend on the site" I knew it was a ribbing he was playing with me. Love that about him. But it made my head twist on itself. I thought and thought about it. I came to one simple answer.
This letter is scary for me. It's gonna be a bit of a confusion, I know this because I am confused. Where the heart goes and where your mind tries to lead it can be two completely different things. The body thrown in there. The desire for closeness and companionship. Seems to always throw a wrench in things. *yells at her clit to shut up*
I have been watching the people around me lately and then paying close attention to how I react to things. Listening as they bitch and complain or Exclaim and celebrate. Why do we have such a hard time holding on to triumph when even the smallest fucken bad happens.
"Yesterday I had the most awesome B day party! I have awesome friends!"
Then the next day their life is shit because they were shorted some money or they got a bump on their car. Ya know what. SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! I am just dumbfounded. I am guilty of it too. Getting better tho. Life is really a pain in the ass right now. Looking for work, living on 150 a week (which incidentally is my rent) I am sick and got the flu. And I dunno what I am gonna do about money. I've applied many places and possibilities. But when yer someone who cannot be on their feet for very long because it will mean you will end up OFF them for an extended period of time.. It makes it hard. But ya know what? Something will and has to give. It always does.
So why is it that we do this? Consistently let bad no matter the magnitude fuck any good we have had? Who knows, I just know I am going to do my best to ignore the bad unless its a danger, and unless I can fix it. I am gonna pick out every bit of positive I can. I need to be positive, so many around me are just so stuck in negative, as I had been since the surgery. A lot of em are doing it to themselves. I still hate to see it though. I love them all so much.
I always told my ToyBoy, I think dating multiple people at once can be too complicated. And once I hit Complication i turn tail. Easy, simple, down to earth. That is what I thrive on. But since my ToyBoy and I decided to put ourselves where we are with each other and I started dating more vigorously. I know I am right. I dunno, there's the sides peeking out again. I have been asking myself a question a lot lately. "What do I really want" In a Man, In my life, in the future.
I always end up on what it is I can offer to a Man, my life and my future. After all Life is what ya make it right?
I am not a dumb woman, I am not an over "main stream" sexy woman. I am however a real woman. I love to cook, I love to keep a house. I have some physical issues that make finding work hard. But I always seem to eventually. I do want to write and get paid for it. I love to do it and I think I do it well. (barring crappy grammar and spelling sometimes) I love with all I am and very deeply. Why do I have a problem with the "What I want" part of this process.
I want a man who will not only accept me as the kind of woman who enjoys that gender roll to a degree but loves it about me. I don't want to be any ones slave or maid. But I love to take care of my man. I love to make our home a comfy place he can come home to and feel relaxed. This was not good enough for my ex husband, whether I was working or not. I do not want to be made to feel less than him, and I will not stand for that. (there is more but for some reason its just not ready to be said)
This week I had a interesting happening, but made me think a bit about what it is I want from any future relationships. Like I said I have the flu. Nasty bug, had no clue my armpits could hurt but yeah.. There ya go. I again was chatting with someone I had been for a while on web site where I met my ToyBoy. Hmm What should we call him..... KnightInShiningArmor Sounds good. Because its kinda what he did. I had just come down with this bug and I needed the usual. Chicken broth, ginger ale, lemons, and honey. My ToyBoy, ItalianStallion, Tracy and Tayana where busy and dealing with their own demons, I do not have a car, and there was no way I could afford 7-11 prices. So I was dreaming out loud in text with him about how some honey n lemon tea would be nice. I knew his profession, a lawyer, but I had met many lawyers in NY during my divorce. This guy even in the brief moment I met him was a little different. He offered to bring the things I wanted by after his business dinner. I am sick, I needed some comfort. Not believing he would even show I said sure.
Well, he pulls up and walks up to my door holding three bags of goodies. Orange blossom Honey, Chicken Broth, Orange juice, Lemons and some tortilla (I won't lie the tortilla chips made me wonder) But it was perfect! I hugged em. He hugged back and I, kinda in my sick daze, just didn't let go. I can't help it I'm a baby when I am sick. Want to be cuddled and petted and held. So I indulged in the hug. And it was nice. (he didn't smell to bad either). We chatted a little. He didn't run away when he saw I was in far to baggy Jeans and a Sweat shirt. Smiled and said when I am feeling better, he'd like to get together. Nah who want's to have dinner with a well dressed kind and handsome lawyer. *lol* I really wanna see him again. Need to get some questions answered.
It was odd to me, he had never met me before, we had chatted a bit but all he knew of how I looked was the pictures I put on the site. Angles ladies, it's all about the angles. He calls me Doll.. I dunno something about that term makes me smile.
I do miss my ToyBoy and ItalianStallion, Both are dealing with some shit. Jobs, Divorce, illness, INSANITY! I wish I could make all of my ToyBoy's issues go away. Only he can do that tho, and it will take him being firm and realizing he has the power and to use it. Divorce really fucks us up don't it? I will never, personally, be the same.
///I am worried about you ToyBoy. So very much. there's a ache in my stomach for you, and I am looking forward to talking with you again soon. Get what ya need to do done, and then DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO, TO BE OK. It's gonna suck, hurt, yer gonna bleed. But in the end you will be happier, freer and everyone will be able to move on and heal. I am here, Just give a jingle.///
My ItallianStallion is having job issues. Right now its so screwed up, the economy. I feel like I'm drowning and I am a lil scared of the future right now. I know how he is feeling. It's not fair. People with good work ethic are being punished right now. No matter how hard you work, you cannot make ends meet. I myself am still trying to get all the paperwork needed for a insulin program, So I can get my insulin. As it is now I am going even lighter on the carbs that I have in the past. I am scared, I wont lie. I have sat a couple nights here in my room, wondering what the use is. Then, Honey, lemon, Orange juice, chicken broth and even the Tortilla's to the rescue. Its because of people like Tracy, Puppet, Zircon (two to talk about soon) Tayana, Kim, Olivia, ToyBoy, TheItallianStallion, and TheKinghtInShiningArmor. People who not only show me that I am not alone in the daily struggles, but who, in their own way remind me of the good in the world. That spoon full of sugar, that helps the medicine go down.
Ok here is what to some people is an annoying "Flash Back" piece. The one where people argue over its validity or purpose in a story. So Picture Wayne and Garth doing the swirly back flash motion and sound with their fingers. Let me back up to help you realize maybe how I move forward. My this particular letter was both requested and recommended buy my International Man of Mystery as well as some other people in my world both reality and online. I will even add to that required. I have also been asked to make an Email that is used for this Blog. A Place where people can ask questions. I promise, I will answer them honestly. Be warned however they might be used in further blogs as well..
So let the Email be letters.to.my.IMOM@gmail.com There's a few things I wanna go back and talk about. I had a few people ask a lot of questions about the "Online Venues" I explored in while married because of the lack of passion Therein. And yes. Everything I write about has literally happened. Also no, I wont be now nor ever taking dates with people just because "they want in the blog." That's not how it works.. ;D I will however will let you know, if you do date me you will be in it. Kinda how it works,. This is part of who I am and what you need to accept in order to be with me. I am fine if ya can't deal with that.
Online venues, questions I have been asked about it have lead me to believe there are still a lot of people who do not think a truly good and lasting "Ship" (Relationship like Friendships and love connections) cannot be cultivated on the internet. Yeah it can. I am not totally sure if these people really do not believe it can happen or if they are just really scared that it can. I have met many people who will always be in my heart and thought about often on the net. While I was married, and yes I am admitting to emotional ties to other people via the time I spent with my husband. Never met them and fucked them. It was a safe place to explore myself with out the extra bull shit a relationship adds. I was in a relationship. I was married. There was little or no passion in it. I was lucky my husband fucked me once a month. went a few months without anything. I think that's why he loved his nubile porn. HE could "Fuck" the bitch and be done. No intimacy, no worry about her well being. Just a dirty sock and bed. A wife meant he should share care and engage them after the act is done. This is not my excuse. It is my reasons. And frankly I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
So the venues? Second Live, CamToMe, Skype, as well as Online role play games, multiplayer. . I was never unavailable tho. I was there for my husband. Always came to him first for my emotional and sexual needs first. I was not willing to go without what I needed in my life just because someone could't or wouldn't give me it no matter how i tried to be there for them. Sorry, I am and always will be a you "get what ya give" kinda girl.
In EverQuest1 I met a lil Dwarf named Sirfalgar. A squirrely lil dude from Maryland. We talked for a long time. Got married in the game faught and leveled together. And one day he sent me a plane ticket and told me to come to him. I did. HE was a good guy. I never starved i always got cuddles but in the end. We were just not compatible. Even Richard and I married in EverQuest, but we were both female characters. He was a hobbit Druid, and I was a high elf enchanter. This was when I started SL and where Richard and my own collective story began.
Second life, however was the most memorable. Mostly because the experience there was so varied. I explored many different kinds of sexuality. Some I had dabbled in before and others i never heard of until logging into Second Life in 2003. My now Ex husband introduced me to the world. Its a virtual community not completely unlike the SIMS just with a little more detailed control over your avatar and world. Also a place it is possible to make a great deal of money. As long as you can be unique and offer something either widely sought after or particularly useful,. As in reality the biggest seller in Second Life (SL) is sex. Sex clubs and hook up spots, Building real working sex toys and furniture for a home or club as well. Objects people could sit on together and your avatars will dance, make out, cuddle and even fuck if ya want.
Within second life I have had a few very memorable relationships. People who to this day i still wonder about. Topher, for one. She was always a awesome person to spend time with. Share, and relax with. Female, and yes I loved her. Annah who was around when Topher was. Same deal as Topher, I loved them both. Annah I "Owned" for a while. I never liked that description. She was a pet. We played together for a while. But her life got busy and mine did to. Lost track. I do hope my Lilith (Her pet name) is doing well.
Orlando, a English Dominant who I adored. I love people who are very real, even in a fake environment! He "Owned" me for a while. Sent me some toy's made me feel very naughty. This was before my husband and I started to really see each other. It was also how my Ex husband and I spent time, before we did decide to commune. Orlando could make me come so wonderfully and on command! HE also was very protective of me. I adored him.
This next guy's name is a bit hard to remember if I am spelling it right. He was a Casanova. loved all women all types. He was married however, So his interactions were all "No Strings Attached" But in the venue we were both in (SL) It was perfect. A little amplification to a dull life. Or a way to add spice to a overly vanilla Marriage. What was his name...... AHHH VisciousKnid! He was an Erotic Dancer in SL. He would sit on a pole "Ball" and his avatar would move erotically but that was not all he did. Words, He would dance in word form. In text telling us exactly what he was doing to the pole, or us. He was gifted that one. Miss him greatly!
Rajun Breck a interesting Mistake! But still a good bit of fun and lessons. The whole thing where I said people in Online communities sometimes have a hard time with strays from the norm. I had issues with it too. I actually tried to play the "Family life" with him. Pregnancy, yes, and attachment to your avatar that put you through pregnancy and even all the hardships as best you can. Had a full on wedding with him. Was cool and short lived. He fucked around. I went bitch end of story.
Tom Bender, his SL name. This guy captured my heart for a long time, and I always look for signs of him. He was a broken soul from Germany but one hell of a artist. A odd medium for him it was music and mixing songs. He did it beautifully and was always in his skin when doing it. We really only fooled around sexually a few times. We had slated a wedding, he always called me his Keliner Stern (shining or falling Star). Would have been my first in that world. But again, the whole straying from the norm became a problem for him. He didn't understand my softness for submissive people girls or boys. And in the end he couldn't handle it. I do hope he is well. I still turn my head to the east and blow him a kiss and warm wishes when I think of him. I wonder if he still does the same to the west.
Enter Tracy, yeah we met there my sister from another Mister. Her and I are so much a like in so many ways. Even her girlfriend gets a lil freaked out by it. My bull dog, she never takes well to people hurting me. She would defend me to the end as I would her in those cases. We fight get our feelings out then its fine the next day. Real friend. When my divorce happened she helped me find a room for rent in Florida where I have started my life over. Which in turn introduced me to many people. Love this woman like my flesh and blood.
Neo- One of the people who convinces me communities like SL are Necessary. Hes paralyzed and bed ridden and wheel chair bound. He was able to make money and socialize in SL. A big help to him. As he was to everyone else he cared about. Another person I often wonder about. I tried last night to log in to my account but I have some kind of virus I need to work out.
Puppet, this is a guy I really wish I had the money to Orchestrate a "Consensual" Kidnapping. Hes coming out of work and a black van pulls up and hes Gently and safely Incapacitated. Ship him here to me. Next thing he will remember is opening his eyes in my home. My boy, my pet. I have known him for as long as I have known Tracy. He stayed by my side for a long time. Until I got married and the interactions stopped. I had to focus on my husband and did. 2 years before I logged back into SL. When I did he came to me immediately. Back in place and desperate to please. I do love this guy. He is a Wrestler in the UK but that big, growling man will turn to whimpers and whines when I see him. I am excited. He is planning a trip here in October. I simply cannot wait! I have even quite recently sat on Skype with him as he fell asleep. Listening to his sounds. When he woke up sometimes calling my name. I would simply say "Shhshh puppet, I am here listening to you. Calm and rest. You are safe." he would mumble incoherently and fall back to sleep whimpering. I loved this time with him. I love him quite a lot. Another example of how broadly i do love. No Chains, no rules. (well for me)
Papi, Partsdale was his SL name. He was wonderful kind, smart, understanding. and doting. I do not think he realizes to this day what a light he shined into my world. One so big that before i got married i got to meet him.. He came to see Myself and my Sis Tracy when I went to Illinois to see her. He was badly in need of a recharge on his Man Batteries. So I played with him. No sex but heavy play. A good man. For my Birthday one year, he made me a computer. As in BUILT it from scratch. Was a awesome gift since in my marriage i was never "Worthy" of these things. All these people reminded me i was worthy, And so was he worthy to feel like a man. I know from later conversations I succeeded. And maybe helped him refocus on his marriage in some ways. I so love and miss him. I hope he is well!
Vittorio I really liked him. He came along just as things started getting bad with my husband. We lasted a while then a blessing to him happened. A love who he had lost came back to him. He was very excited. He also knew he was hurting me, and a submissive who had latched on to him. Since then He and her have had a beautiful daughter and their lives are wonderful. I couldn't be more happy in that growth with him. Happy for both of them
Artisan Cyclone, A self proclaimed shaman and another who has helped me out a great deain in my life. Always knows what to say to calm and always willing to be there to help. His now what? 5 year partner in SL Sherry, as well as him came out to my wedding to Richard. Only 4 people from my actual family came to my wedding. All else were friends both online and off.
Malice, this guy was a playmate in SL for a while. Crazy bastard but hes always a load of fun! Lost track of him, got involved in a lovely woman from Rochester and are, the last I knew, living in Rochester happily. Tho, Happiness is completely a matter of perception.
Ruairidh Strathearn, his SL name, Scottish and just pure Mischief. I fell for this guy. He kept with me thru all the BS with my Marriage. Helped me out so tremendously. But once I got here, and I began to live that single life. He could not handle it. Anytime anything was good in my life, he brought me down to why it sucks for him... He lived in Scotland, married for a long time. Same story, no intimacy, no real passion save for the kind of passion that is all negative. When he and I met it was awesome. I was born on his wifes Birthday and he close to my husband. He wasn't taking no for an answer from me, and the more he protested the good things happening to me the less I wanted to deal with him. It took Tracy threatening (More promising) she would tell his wife what a naughty hubby he was if he ever contacted me again. And I haven't heard from him since. He got me into some new "fetishes" WAM (Wet and messy) Lycra and latex as well as reminded me how much I loved Nylon and tights.
Others are:
Zircon, my little OCD pet. Still in contact with him as he walks his path.
Maxime, French and full of love
Peace Mistwalker- Another whose diferent sides make it hard for people to latch on. But the ones that do are great friends to her.
Within this game I explored a lot of myself. The Domme and the submissive. kink and sexual exploration. I am a voyeur as well as exhibitionist at times. As much of it as I could being as there was no real "Contact" other than thru internet chat and Social communities. It was nice. It kept the woman in me alive. In the end that's all she was tho, just alive. I was not living or even in the end Wanting to live. So via web cam meetings voice time and textual chat I got my fill of everything from Orgasm Denial, bondage, edging and many other odd sexual proclivities. As well as made a huge group of friends. Some who in the end helped me thru the final months of my Divorce. They held a fundraiser to help me earn the money for filing fees. I love all of them and will always wonder where they are or how they are doing.
This week has both kind or lame and also amusing. Not as exciting as the past weeks. More realizations. Little more expected heartache. Feeling the truth in what I have been saying all along the way. "People spend too much time trying to find the right person than BE the right person." It's a bitch but the truth. I still stand firm in what I have learned. What the lessons in my life have shown me to be true. No one else can make you better. The better you get, however, the more you wash the crap off you and the brighter your light shines, the more moths wish to gather around it.
So this week I haven't seen my Italian Stallion. It's been busy and stressful. But all ended on a good note. I have had, however, lots of time with my ToyBoy, Tracy and T. Also hung out a bit more with my new Gay boy friends. BlueShirt, (this is what he was wearing when I first met him and that meeting was memorable). Wedding Dress, (this is his name because he put on y wedding dress and just loved to be in it), and his lover the Music Man. Much younger guy with a love of modern Dance and rave music. Met Some new people. Friday we all partied most of the day. Favors a plenty and some good drink and company. ToyBoy came that night. He was upset. He needed some input.
He had met a 25 year old Spanish girl. She is lovely. Exactly the kind of muse he needs. But she dumped him because he was to short. LOL Jesus girls, get over yer self. I wish I could be the muse my ToyBoy needs. My flaws however are too great for him to be able to latch on to me in that manor. I get that now. Both physical and the negative place i have found myself in is not a turn on. This girl was also a Ex Jehovah's Witness. Out now for 5 years I believe. We chatted about her and also about how he needs to stop looking for his "Muse" and just be his own. I don't think he is capable of doing that. Not yet. He has some more knocks to take. I wonder if he realizes i feel about him how he feels about his fickle muses. Wishing you could be good enough for more than a occasional friend. Only I handle it by accepting a person as they are and letting them find their place with me. I am who I am, Take me or leave me. And I also know that at some point, one of these girls will latch on. And he and I even on this level will cease to exist. I am just bracing for that day. One day, as he says, one day one will see my worth and want me in their world. I refuse to force anything. It hurts too much. I love him. But I also know, that inst enough most the time. And I wanna talk to this girl. She is from the same background as me. I would love to discuss things with her.
Later that night, I knew he wasn't well, I had gone to the store on foot because everyone was major too drunk to drive. After leaving the 7-11 I was cornered by some Haitians who had been trying to get me to go "Party" with them for a couple weeks. The taller one got me against the wall sniffing my neck and hair. "You know you wanna come with us woman, we will treat you right." After a long party after all the stress I had built up and then stuffed away over a lot of things I snapped, I punched this fucker right in the face and walked off wiping his blood from my knuckles on his shirt.
"Just fuck off and leave me alone. Next time i will really fucken hurt you"
They didn't follow and I walked home to find them all getting ready to leave. I told Toby what happened and went in to listen to some of my music,. My system wasn't working. I asked for help, Which I am not sure why I expected to be assisted. At this point no one was worried about anything but vegging out. I told people what happened to me and did not get one hug. just a "Don't go alone again or ill kick yer ass" I fixed my own sound system and walked into the living room where Tracy T and My ToyBoy were watching a new TV show. "Orange is the new Black" walked by them and went out on the patio and cried. When they did come out, I laid into em. They saw that I had whacked everything off the table. Even after i expressed I feel like I have been irrelevant ignored and needed help and I was tired that I so rarely get priority in peoples lives especially after what happened tonight. And not one person has yet wrapped their arms around me and acknowledged anything about that night. I've rationalized and worked through it myself. This is how it will be from now on. My problems will be my problems. All anyone will see anymore is a smile. I am done with the stress of seeking emotional support. It will come if its available. If I am lucky. I will support myself. Good with or without right?
After all this my ToyBoy went into the bathroom. He was gonna leave soon, and I got ready for bed and to do my stretching before hand. He was in there too long. When I knocked, there was no answer. I shoved the door open and pushed him across the floor. He was passed out my poor ToyBoy. I shook em. Asked em if he was ok. Not much of a response. I had to pee so I did. and he sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist while I did. My poor friend, drowning sorrows because some superficial slightly cracked but very cute and sexy woman wont date him because hes too short. *sigh* I lifted him and got him into my bedroom undid his shirt took it off and his belt but left his pants on. (hopefully helping him realize I am not all sex mad. *wink* which is another reason i think he will not be able to take me seriously in the Lover sense. He thinks my ideal man has to be able to throw me about and fuck me. No matter how I explain he is wrong, it makes no difference the other things, The negative period I was in recently, I am not one of those youthful sexy and main stream beautiful girls he finds his "Muse Effect" with. I am his friend. And that I cherish for the time it is as it is.
///Honestly, yes it hurts. I know what I am capable of. I also know I am worth it. I wish others saw it too. But that's their problem not mine. I am truly sorry for the negative all around me lately. You wont see it anymore... That I promise. I wish I didn't love ya so much. But also am glad I do. Always welcome\ always wanted. no matter your size or your stamina levels. The person you are, is the person I love. No matter the changes positive or negative. Always welcome in my home my world my life. ///
Well, here we go, I am taking a new outlook on things. Don't get too serious, be safe, enjoy yourself, and be honest from the beginning about your world. The ones who really matter will stick by ya. The ones that don't, well they can get bent. I have always said I am a multifaceted person. Many sides, moods, tastes, and whims. When I was married I lived those sides in an online environment, Second life. (http://secondlife.com/) BDSM, lovers, friends, flirting. Now I am Single, and I am living it in reality. I cannot tell you what it is like. How awesome it is to test my theories in a real place.
//Thank you ToyBoy for this lesson. And aid in a personal growth of sorts. You taught me that just because a person does not like the "Truth" being given them, or because they do not see the "truth" the same from their angle or in their lives does not make it any less than truth. Something someone in YOUR life needs to learn. Just cuz 'they" don't like the truth you feed them Does not make it not truth. I love you for the insight you have given me in all of this. You have helped me to establish and get a foot hold on what it is I wanted in life all along. Live, Laugh, Love. Surrounding yourself only with those who hold the same regard for those things. Thank you for being so perfectly you.///
I've realized the dynamic is much different from that of Second Life* The people who tend to be in places like that are lonely, less than social in their real lives for whatever reason. So when they attach, they cannot handle any stray from the "norm" IE: I have always believed that love is something you cannot hold down, put in a box, define, or set laws to. Love happens without us trying. It happens with no real effort. The falling that is. Its the upkeep, the daily affirmations needed to keep love alive. The work, that gets people. Why? Because they do exactly what they should not do. Tie it up in chains rules and expectations.
I have always loved broadly. Without question or expectation. After the Divorce, I am slowly realizing I need to just live love. Experience all kinds, flavors, ways, and meanings of it. That is what I am doing.
Last night was one of the cooler nights I have had in a long time... It's raised some questions but answered a lot of them too. Had a evening out with my ItalianStallion, This guy just curls my toes with a look. What's funny, is when I tell him hes hot, he almost gets a bit embarrassed. And I asked him last night. "You don't believe me do you? When I say yer Spartacus hot?" I swear his ears turned a lil red when he shook his head and said "no"
All he told me is he was gonna pick me up and take me for a ride. Ok! Np I Dressed cute n casual with a lightly slutty feel. Meh have to work the feminine as much as possible. Like I said I have many sides. The Slut, that's one of em. And Daddy, (My ItalianStallion) He pokes at the slut very perfectly. There are a lot of questions with this guy. My "assumptions" so far. I think he might be married or at least attached. Which is fine. I am not looking to be swept off my feet and hauled off to the chapel again. Been there, done that, got the T Shirt BURNT the T Shirt.
I am looking to fire up my world and with any luck the world of people around me. He picked me up and drove me clear to Miami. We ate at a Cuban Restaurant and talked. He told me some about his family, father, mother and brother. I did the same. Then something I have never done in my life... A Cheep pay by the hour motel. As he pulled in I Laughed. Bah its a bed, a bathroom and I wont have to clean up the mess after. *lol*
I knew he would be able to deliver what I wanted sexually. And he did Priority Mail! We paid for the room and headed up. When we opened the door there was a disco light in there. I almost laughed myself silly. I also went to look for a bible in the end tables.. (A place like this i dunno why i expected to find one) I have to say it was the first motel i ever been in WITHOUT a bible in the nightstand. Which in my opinion is sad. I wanted him to spank me with it ;( I flopped down on the bed and was literally startled by my own reflection coming down from the ceiling.
"Really? A Mirror on the ceiling Daddy?" He grinned this cheeky and devious lil grin and said "why not, yer gonna love seeing me fuck you from 3 different angles." Yeah, he was right.
First round was a whole lot of making me squirt. Which he had no problem doing. An experienced man can do this even if he does not know a woman well. Its not rocket science.. It really isn't boys. ya just gotta take yer time and NOT BE TOO GENTILE.. Then a breather. I came 3 good times first round and laid there looking at the ceiling and my mostly naked body Never have been to keen bout taking my shirt off. My legs and arms I have no problem with, However, even Though my belly has shrunk. It is still a insecurity for me. Tho I do like to wear a shirt that lets the girls free easily. I looked in that mirror for the first time, saw myself. My face pink and sweaty, hair askew and a smile on my face. Enter into the view my ItalianStallion who pulled me close as I painted and squirmed next to him. It was a good view. And I used the mirror the rest of our time there. Seeing his frame behind me, on top of me. Hearing those manly sounds as he filled me in every way possible.
As he was fucking me from behind my phone rang. The Grease Sound Track
"I got Chills, their multiplying, and I'm loosing control."
He stopped and very sarcastically. "Who is that, is that yer English fellow??" I had been very honest with everyone I date. They all know from day 1. I am dating. They also know about my ToyBoy.
"I will never turn him away, I will never let him go because your ego cannot handle a woman with such a close male friend and companion"
"Cuz the power, your supplying, it's Electrifying!"
Ahh Jesus yes it is.. My body trembled.
"Maybe you should see what he wants?" HE said purposely thrusting into me. Making me grip the bedspread under me.
"You better wake up, cuz I need a man, and my heart is set on you"
Well he "dismounted" and I went to my phone. He don't know it, (tho he will if he reads this blog.) I let them all know I am blogging in this manner. If they want to read it I warn them. If ya can't handle you from my view Id suggest not reading it) I didn't admit to him at that moment that it made me just a lil bit wetter to know that there was another man thinking of me at the time i was getting used proper by him. As my ToyBoy would say.
"We're Rascals aren't we?"
Yes, yes we are.
He held his cum, Fucking me, he told me before this he likes to makes sure every hole is filled before he lets himself cum. I had no idea how serious he is. The final round, something I loved but feared with someone of his.. Size. So when he began to open my ass up I tried to skitter away. This is where the Dominant came out and stroked the baby girl. He held me in place. "No, don't pull away, trust me i wont hurt you" He stroked my lower back and eased his way in. Once the initial pain subsided, I was in heaven. Perfectly fat cock penetrating my ass. It wasn't long before I felt the 6th and final climax peek. I was in my head. Whimpering his name. Not much coherent.
"That's a girl, you want me to cum?"
"Yes Sir"
"Then you have to"
He felt my climax come and he fucked me perfectly hard. I came again Stars in my eyes, body trembled and he pushed himself in and left it there stroking my back and gripping my hair. I moved to pull away and turn over to wrap my arms around his waist and as he stopped me I felt the burn.
"No no" he said holding me in place again stroking my lower back, "Let me do it, if you pull away wrong you will hurt yer self" I knew in just the millimeters I had moved he was right. When I tried to pull away and turn I felt like a hot poker was threatening my ass. His Dick was just that wonderfully sized! And did I mention some of the biggest balls I have seen? *grins*
"Shh shh," he said rubbing my lower back, "Gently," He pulled out and I swear if he had penetrated again I would have cum. I flopped onto my side and rolled over a lil cuddle nothing big. Less than I wanted or needed in that moment. But then, that's not what my ItallianStallion is for is he? Ironically I think he gets that too. He wants to take me to a swingers club. I am stoked. Would love to see it. Hes a "Share and share alike" Kinda guy. But like he said "That ass belongs to him"
Yes it does.
He asked me a difficult question, I think I half expected it.
"Are you in love with him?" My ToyBoy he meant. I had chosen that particular ringtone because its how i felt about him.
"You better wake up, cuz I need a man, and my heart is set on you"
It was, but not firmly, I love who he is what he is and who we are my ToyBoy and I. I said no not in love, but I do love him. Half truth, I had fallen in love with him. That however has changed and morphed as I said in my last letter.
"I love him, he is a great friend and companion, the gentile warm home point in my world" I laughed and looked out the window a little uncomfy. He Reiterated,
"That ass is mine tho"
Again. Yes, yes it is Daddy.
We got stuck in traffic on the way back to my place in Wilton Manors. More chatting, more understanding. My ToyBoy had wanted to hang stop by and relax with me a bit after his major release with his divorce. Everything, for the most part. had been settled. He now has his baby (the Shaguar) permanently. And she has her big orange truck. She named it "Honeybadger". I really like her more and more. The more I hear about his soon to be Ex wife. The more I think I would like her. *lol* She seems a pretty cool chick. Tho it figures. I might possible meet a chick i think is ace and she is sick. I feel for both of them. For her and her own struggles in cancer. And him and his loosing her in levels. No matter what she or he says. He does love her, care a great deal. His words on her are always drenched in remorse over her illness and wishing he had the ability to give her all she wants and needs.
Finally got home, he gave me a flash light to see my way to my door since the light is out on the porch. When I went to get out of the truck he looked at me and smacked him lips twice indicating he wanted a kiss. I kissed him goodnight and went inside. No real pain other than the usual muscles worked in ways that they are normally not. Went inside and opened Skype.
Me: Here
no i didnt pass out.
O.o
Just got stuck in traffic
Accident
Him: Not yours I hope?
ME: No no
Him: Good good.
Me:
So too late for a visit hey?
Him:
mmmm... maybe be able to twist my arm, yah really really wan one?
Me:
I always like to hang with you if it hurts too much don't come always tomorrow. Not like ya dun have yer car hey?
Him:
I've just finished my cup of tea after all so..
I could have yah rub mi' bits maybe! sore bits that is!
Me:
Well ya know yer welcome
Sounds wonderful
I'm gonna get a bit changed. woo
least take off these boots
Him:
ok then lill' rascal ill leave in a few and be there in a bit
Me:
Ok babe see ya soon
What is the reason to share this interaction? It's who we are. Simple, unfiltered, understanding.
He and I really are a lot a like. He keeps referring me to as an "American version of him" I can see it..
Now this is where I will be judged by people on a regular basis. Why? Those god damn rules they like to put on love. Something that should be free, not weighed down and an expression that flows how and when it wants like water in a stream thru a Forrest. Like Saturday when I was dropped off by Jonny. A Pleasant and fun date. Relaxing and safe. Feeling however a lil flat, why? I needed excitement. The Dates and dinners and the whole "game" of it is fun. But I also needed the naughty and the closeness. So I went off with my ItalianStallion after I was dropped off. Again my ToyBoy's Voice in my ears.
"Rascals"
Ok, Maybe, but I do not think that applies if ya are honest. As honest as I am with the others I am with my ToyBoy. I got my excitement that night. My Toss ya about and fuck ya. But like I said something was missing. What? The cuddles talk and intellectual exchange. Intellectual Intercourse. He needed his "sore bits rubbed" meaning his back which he had wrenched this week. And I needed my ToyBoy to cuddle and chat with. When you get past the anger some of you are feeling right now. That "CHEATER" mentality. You will see the beauty in the situation. I am not Cheating. Everyone of them know about each other and the level of interaction I have with each. They know their place in my world as I do theirs. So really if we are not being hurt by it. Then you should just enjoy the story.. Make sense?
He comes and we disappear to my very messed up room. I dunno about other girls, but when I get ready for a date I blow up. Clothes everywhere drawers wide open with socks and shirts hanging out. Quite a mess. We moved the pile out of the way and he laid out on his belly. Talked about the day. Rubbed his back. Poor thing. He really did a number on himself. He told me of his day and how the car situation is now worked out. How he had talked to his wife about me. Now this was like. HUH? Cool ok. She told him she thinks he is lieing to himself as well as others with this mentality he and I have. About not wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend type relationship. About exploring love and sexuality with a open mind and heart. In perfect Honesty. No, again, just because a truth is not pleasant to your ears. Or something you do not aggree with. Does not make it any less truth.
At first he gave me some sad news on his side. His muse dumped him. Meh, it happens. Anything too beautiful tends to 9 times out of 10 be a fickle or quick to change in experience and Intencity. She was by his description beautiful. His words. "Out of my league" Eh whatever. Its reaching and striving for those things we see as out of our reach that puts them in our grasp eventually.
I felt for him. I know she inspired him to be better, do better. but lately I have been laying out to him a lil truth. Wanting to and being better. The motivation does not come from anywhere but within or it will fail. I am hoping he is getting this. I think he is.
We laid about snuggling and rubbing comfy and nice for a hour or 2. Talking about our day among other things. When he left I felt perfectly satisfied on all levels. I had rubbed him and made his back a bit better. He had held me and shared as I shared with him our day. The good and bad of it. It was perfect.
///I am glad you came last night, put a cherry on the evening like a big ice cream Sunday! I dunno why I am so comfy with ya on this level. Where we are. But I like it. Always welcome my ToyBoy. Always a great time.///
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