Letter 30 - Timing #ReasionsIcantbeacomedian

   I speak exactly what is going on in my head sometimes.   Always just when it is.  So that means I don't always start speaking at the beginning of a thought I have had.   This can be very amusing but also frustrating for people around me.

  Many many examples of this recently.  One specific last night.  In a odd place,  Feel exactly the same physically and mentally as I did during my divorce.  A lot of the same,   kinds of things happening.   The one saving grace is,  I am different.

I am not crippled by my illness as I was then
I am not crippled by people's actions toward me as I was then
I am not as weak as I was then

 That time in my life made me stronger.  I also realized I am ahead of some other people in my life when it comes to this aspect of my growth.   Even tho when A crisis happens I may have a moment of "OH FUCK",  or as some call it a moment of "Need".  I tend to be back up and at it quite quickly whether with or without someone's "Aid".   Plugging away at the solutions.  Getting shit right again.

  Certain things seem to have shut off on me now,  no matter how hard I have tried to keep em on. Sexuality is one of them.  I enjoy and get a great deal of joy from snuggles hugs even pets and touching of the more PG rated kind.   Even arousal happens.  But as far as any kind of sexual desire or maybe it is the energy to do it,   focus.   Even as far as self gratification.  Its all just "Meh" Convo Hugs Caress.  Anything else turns my stomach,  causes anxiety.

  Last night while I was indulging in this with HisRoyalRascalness he touched me,  It was calming on one hand and on the other it made the ball in my chest rise.   I knew I didn't have to worry about him wanting anything more than snuggles.  I knew he was safe there.  I worry he thinks *I* am after more.  So In my head I was.  Thinking about how I can make him understand he can do that and not think I wanna fuck em.   And I started a convo with him near the end of that thought process,   I had been thinking to myself how wonderful it felt to just be a kitty.  I keep telling em that.

I just wan't to be a kitty with you sometimes,  you rascal,  how do I help you Understand that? Or "A Little"  as it is called in the BDSM/Fetish world.   It's not sexual,  something different.  I kinda went there when I tried to "Borrow your toes" Last night.   It was quite Mutually enjoyable was it not?  

  Anyway,  as my thought process continued and I was thinking about how much my sex drive had diminished as of late.   I thought about how long it had been since I actually climaxed.  Even tho I had sat with erotic pictures/  literature/ movies etc...  And how I had lied to people,  him even saying I had been fine in this area,  and wanted to come clean and also express how I was OK and not even able to think about sex right now.   How I wanted and sorta needed right now to just be little,  and try to "Borrow his toes"  once n a while.   What did I ask,  being as I was mid thought,  dumb ass with the timing as we were snuggled up feeling quite nice.

"When was the last time you came?"

It was the question in my head.  At the time,  he answered and asked me same I answered about 6 weeks save for one time in midst of that with him.  Immediately a wall went up and he went to leave.  I realized right away it seemed as if I was fishing.  Yah know like all us girls do at times. Fishing for a compliment,  or some kind of favor,  bleh,   I wasn't.  Upon further discussion I realized he also thought me saying I wanted to just be a kitty sometimes he was immediately assigning it to a "Pussy" and something sexual.   *SMH*  There is a link below if I can find it.   I will find some way to make you understand.    For some yes it does and can become sexual. Others its a source of comfort and relaxation.  A way to let go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_roleplay

  The reasons for playing such a character or animal can vary as much as the actual physical manifestations and intensity of the play. Some people enjoy being able to "cut loose" into a different, or more dynamic personality (e.g., Were-creatures orCatgirls; see other variations). In some cases, pet play is seen as a loving, quiet cuddling time where there is no need for verbalizations and the simple act of stroking, rubbing and holding the other partner is satisfying or reassuring in and of itself for those involved. For others, there may be a spiritual side to it. Some feel closer to their animal totem, while others may identify with something akin to a deeper side or part of their own psyche (see: Therianthropy). For still others, there is the experience of power exchange setup in a context or structure which they can accept. Clearly, again, it depends on the people involved and what they bring to it or take from it.

  Knot in my tummy,  gonna be a long weekend.    Not just in days,   I dunno what I am gonna do with myself!  

  Where are they hey?
Somewhere laughing in the wind
  crying in the rain
sleeping in the sun.
  Drowning in the shade.




  
  

Letter 29 - Looks can be Deceiving..

   Have you ever gone to a bowl of fruit and picked up a big juicy red apple,  mouth watering and looking forward to that first bite, and upon taking a chunk you notice it is brown on the inside?  First off,  Way to go packing and processing for the deceit.   Second,  This is how it is for people who have one of those illnesses that is felt but not seen outwardly.   Autism, some cancers, arthritis, fibromayalgia, Depression, Mental illness, and Diabetes.   On the surface and even somewhat layers below that,  they look just fine.   Even smiling thru the pain they feel on a daily basis.  The pain, nausea, dizziness, anguish, fear, weariness, and despair.    Because THAT is what is underneath for them.  

  They learn to draw hope from a bunch of places.   Themselves being one.  That is the first step actually,  can't have real faith and trust in anyone else till you have it in yourself....  OR maybe more specifically.

You can only have as much faith and trust in someone else as you have in yourself.


Yeah,  I like that much better.   When I left the organization,  it was actually a test of my faith in myself.  O.o  I learned I could trust my gut,  my intuition on things more than I realized.  So I sent my "trusticals" (my new word)  out,  lil too far,  farther than I should have,  farther than I had learned I could trust myself.  I over reached in some places.   I began to learn,  and still am.  I won't ever stop doing that.   I learned I could get things done,  I learned that even while I mourn something,  I am working on the solutions.  It's how it worked with my divorce.

A time for everything.

When I was working on the what, when, where, and why's of my divorce,  I was not mourning.  I was at work for my future.  But I also did not put my self to it all day,  every day,  for all the months I was there waiting for it to be done and over.   I allotted time for,  mourning and being mindless.   I call it "Defrag".  

 Right now in my life I am doing the same.   9 am till 5 pm is my "Work" time.  I "Work" on finding work and getting my book redone or  working on my many other "Will benefit the near future" endeavors.  At 5,  I begin my Defrag.  I am single,  I have no children,  I have a dog,  and no one to answer to.  So,  it's whatever goes,  last night I continued my "Will benefit"  endeavors for another couple hours till 7.    I Defraged with some Skyrim then cried a bit and fell asleep.   Was a productive and nice day.   Even with a cry,  especially with a good cry.  It was productive and complete.

  I find myself in a place where just about everyone in my life has kinda backed away.  I am seriously looking at the past few months trying to pick thru my actions to make sure its not because of me totally.  Really am.   I can see where with some yeah,  I got a bit needy and lost here.   Shit went to hell for me for a bit.  Sorry bout that.

   But some of the others..  nah,  not getting it.  And I dunno if I ever will.   I don't think I want to or have to get it.  I am just trying to survive.

   Back to, trusting, relying and needing only yourself to survive.   Which is where I am actually going with this.   Yeah, technically,  it's true.  All you need to survive is you.  Mmh  And as I sit her I see so many provisos.  IF!  there are ifs.  So many of them.  That people who do not have those hidden Illnesses cannot fathom.

Survival = To to stay alive.

Lets elaborate.    I can only use myself as an example.   It may seem lame to many of you.  Others will get the fear because they have the same or similar ones.

I get a low or high blood sugar I could pass out cold and die eventually in a diabetic coma.  I would cease to SURVIVE unless another human happens by and sees that I am in trouble and calls a ambulance.   This has happened before,   where I felt that sinking like I was being pushed to the ground and gotten up to get something to eat or check my sugar after putting a peice of chocolate in my mouth.   Woke up on the floor next to my chair or a few steps away.  The candy raising my sugar and saving the day.  But what if,  I didn't have it,  or passed out before I swallowed it.  Or  Flying spaghetti Monster forbid,  choked on the candy because I passed out with it on the way down.

Just an example.  Small one.  Survive.

And I dunno about anyone else,  but personally  I do not want to simply survive..   I want to LIVE, and to truly LIVE life,  to me it means you do have awesome people around you.  Yeah I could Survive without another human around.   But I would rather LIVE this life!  

Letter 28 - Ctrl-Alt-Del

  There is one of those ya know,  a reset button.   We all have em,  like yer computer or the console you play yer games on.   Like those devices,  its not a good thing to do it very often,  it does damage.   Sometimes though,  it fixes problems.

  I tend to do this quickly,  and each time pieces of me are damaged,  others are strengthened.   When I do this I do not always start from the last saved game.   Sometimes I dig deeper.  Or I simply start over.   New Character, race, class, starting city.  In a manner of speaking I just let it all go and focus on whats to come.  I do this on a less grandiose level every day when I wake up. "Today is a new day,  fresh,  with no mistakes in it."  ~ Pollyanna.  (not even sure I spelled that right)

  Perceptions of me were, well, relayed to me this last week by more than one person.  Some of them jiving with each other,  others not at all.   Where on one hand I was told I didn't accept or ask for help enough,  on the other I was also told I was too needy.

Yeah,  I have been in need recently.

                                                        Skull or Rock?

                                                             What do you perceive 

  My perceptions of others have changed as well.   Not just what I see but the way I go about taking in the information, or if I even will.    I think my personal bubble has shrunk a bit.   That area you are aware of when you go about your daily life.  Now I don't mean I will bump into shit and fall off curbs.   (Tho people who know me will say I will anyway,  I'm a clumsy girl.)   I mean as far as what I will process and swallow.  What I will take in, and what I will not.   When there are certain things discussed even now I shut off,  my ears, my mind.   I start to clean,   go to my room, and I just ignore it.  If I cannot do anything about it,  I just shut it out.    Especially if it is raising my anxiety.

I simply won't stress what I cannot control.

 I will admit,  I have been rather needy lately.  Surgery,  lost a part of myself,  painful memories and emotions attached and detached with it.  Along with some bitter sweet reminders of failures and success that is now lost therefore negating it as a win altogether.  My Ex Husband really was the one wish I made in my life that came true.  Makes that stupid saying even more fuckimg annoying.

Be careful what you wish for.

Haven't been able to get my feet under me since the Divorce.  Well I have but again,  they have been kicked off from under me a couple times too,  I think I am doing a damn good job of getting back up and swinging regardless.  Now I am finding it hard to gauge the proper balance.  So I am finding myself retreating.  Working on what I need to and letting everything else kind of work on itself.  *shrugs*  I think the first thing I have taken away from all this is,  I cannot judge anyone else on what I would do for,  about, or to aid a friend or even a person for that matter.

  Ahh while I am thinking about that.  I want to ask that TearyEyes contacts me.  I am worried about him.  A guy I met on another site.  I left Tagged and joined a new "Dating" site.   New pool of people.   This guy wanted to meet me said he needed just to talk to a human.   I was in the Hospital,  hadn't talked to anyone but a nurse really in a couple days.     He seemed nice enough.  (Morphine prolly helped)   I invited him in Public,  safe,  why not?   He ended up head on my chest tears over his father.    Then left.    That's it,  some banter,   Jokes about dirty pillows,  from my lips to make him smile,  cut the ice.  Candy crush for a bit.  (like playing stupid games with someone)    But please,  you put this blog on yer phone.   Just let me know yer OK hey?  Tried all other avenues.....


  So check!  Do not be hurt if others do not do unto me as I would do unto them!  I knew it already.  Just can't get it thru my thick skull.   So where is the balance.  Finding that in time on all levels in my life again right now.   We all are it seems.  *Deep Breath*
 

Letter 27 - There is comfort in.. *Slap*

  Look,  if I hear  "take comfort in" or "Take solace in" or even "count your blessings"  one more time too soon I am gonna batman slap someone.

 "NO! Need new ones!!"

  "But you have so much to be grateful fo...."

"Did I Stutter?"


  I know what the fuck I got,  really?  Do I strike anyone as the kind of person who cannot see what I have?

Thing is,  you do see what I have and that's why shit is as it is.  Period.  

  I know what I need and do not have.  For instance,  I am sitting here trying to decide between using my money for Pain relief/food or cab rides to go get my meds.  Then I will have my insulin but no food, at least not the proper food.  Where as if I get the proper food and something to make the pain go away I will be able to eat proper and thus keep my sugar down,  not necessarily perfect,  but down and level and less pain means less *Sighs* tears and more productivity.  So what should I do?   Needs,  I know what they are.

   I need a friend,  my friend.  Meaning mine,  with me on things.  Got my back when the chips are down and the playing field is set and ready to be put into action, or when the shit hits the fan and people pick their sides. (and it always happens)   Someone who will,  when needed stand up and speak my side so I am not the only one doing it thus looking crazy!  Or am I really just that?   Crazy.

Don't be a smart ass

A real friend.   Need,  that is a need.

   Need,  I need to fix the problem's with my book.  What had it sent back.  I see em now as I look at it.  Not Astronomical problems,  just yeah.   Time to get out the buffers.  I moved to quickly in the end.  I knew better.  I do better when it is at my leisure and I can enjoy the process.   Not push for a Deadline.  For me writing is not a "Job"  least not this kind.     I can produce that way,  this project is just more personal,  needs more time and flexibility.

  I am in a state of fuck the world today.   Confused and not really sure I want clarification.  Not sure it matters anymore.

Ain't no one got time for that.

  Been on this path for a while that is lined with as HisRoyalRascalness says his Thai girl calls metal pants.  Chastity belts for the vanilla's out there.  Both because I am loosing interest in it all,  And because others are loosing interest in it with me.  Its too much  trouble, frustration,  time, and not enough reward.   Just not worth it to me.  Dating,  the actual attempt at getting a date.  I am just to tired and have too much to do.  Too much I want to do.  Too little energy to do it with.   I am much like a man in this regard,  if I am left to build too long i get my own version of blue balls.  Add that to a woman's normally moody nature.  Yeah,  fuck time to just leave it alone for a while.  All of it.

  At the moment I cannot be sure I will be blogging here much.  I have a lot going on in my world and I am sorta writing-Constipated.   Words just don't come,  and I am full of words I cannot say in a public forum right now.  Anger, resentment and a lot of fear.   I am putting them down.  But in a place that will not be seen for a long time if ever.  That depends on how things go.  Where I end up in life and my relationships.


 Ups and downs,  twists and turns,  what good drama would be complete without them?  This is what our lives are.   We all bitch about not wanting drama in our lives.  Fuck you.  We are liars we love drama.   The good kind.    It's the bad kind most of us do not want in our lives.   But even then,  there's a freak for everything.

   

Letter 26 Long Term Goals+

   

I have no Idea if I can even begin to relay the thoughts I just had out for a smoke but that will lead me to what it is all about.   I want to retire,  whatever that will mean when the time comes,  where I can hear the sounds of nature.  If I can be specific but not dead set when I say southern or tropical nature.   The frogs talking to each other,  the crickets,  and even the ear piercing but pure sound of the cicadas, who are even pleasant for a short time,  water whether brook or beach, wind through the trees palm or pine,  all make my heart simultaneously swell and calm.   I settle and my mind tends to go to this peace and calm state I hear HisRoyalRascalness say is the place to be.

lol

I'm done,  it's OK    I explained to you who I am tonight,  I will continue to explain thru action and example.  Without any kind of filter. (Well in private anyway)   After all it's what I ask of other's right?  *Licks ya from chin to eyeball*  It's Amazing how a bomb in yer life will knock some things free you forgot were there and suddenly know were sorely missed.    Locked and loaded,  ya gotta ask yourself,  do ya feel lucky punk?   Well,  do ya?   



Uncertainty,  all I feel right now.   It will change as the things I am working for pan out.  I am really frightened.  Trying to keep a brave face.  Trying to keep believing in, people, least of all myself.  I don't feel entirely right, but I don't think anyone of us,  and I mean anyone in this world has,  ever.  We are humans, never satisfied,  never complete,  never enough for our world,  country,  city,  each other or ourselves.


Cruelly plucked
like feathers from a chicken
only partly dead
mostly alive
but going that way
it's heart holds sway.

Letter 25 - Betrayal

   Learning lately you cannot trust anyone really.   At least not completely.  I was made to feel the way my husband made me feel last year this week.   Disposable,  discard able,  and unimportant.   A piece in the puzzle of my family that can be put to the side and not needed to make the picture complete.  A boarder piece that can be left out.  Ironically, it also showed me I don't need to be a part of the picture either.  I am fine as my own lil piece.  And I will build my own picture.

  Had a week long stay in the hospital this week. Thank You Tayana for taking me.  Infection in a sore on my foot again.  It is so hard to afford what is needed as a diabetic in this economy.   I haven't been able to eat right or afford my insulin so I got sick.  When I was admitted to the hospital I was malnourished and dehydrated,  I had a blood born infection and was on antibiotics  5 times a day for a week.  Made me very sick while making me better.   Kinda fucked up that is.

  While I was there,  my roommate and best friend decided it was the perfect time to tell me I was going to have to find a place of my own.  That her and her girlfriend were going to find a 2 bedroom and I was on my own.   Now keep in mind this entire time even tho I had lost my job I had made my rent every month.  I did not eat the food in the house unless I was cooking for everyone or on "Family Dinner night" because I knew they were short on money and they had a child to feed.  And I hadn't the money for my own food it all went to rent.

 I broke down.

  I went into a deep depression.   They put me on suicide watch in the hospital,  and put me in a room near the nurses station.  I have to admit my thoughts became very dark.  My Telephone did not go off  much,  no IM's  No messages really save for a couple people.  HisRoyalRascalness,  BlueShirt, and LittleBoPeep who is going through some shit of her own.   I cried for days,  had the psych consults and medications, I didn't want to live, I didn't see the point.   I still am struggling with the darkness in my head.  Still trying to understand why I end up the one who ends up and option.  The interchangeable piece.  The one who can be put aside,  on the back burner and detached so quickly,   almost seemingly so easily.

 Who was there for me? Who brought me flowers,  talked to me gave me kisses and rubbed my back.  Brought me a book and little gifts and kind words to make me see the good in the situations

You were,  you rascal,  of all the people, you.  thank you so much,  you have no idea how much I appreciate your being there.  No one came to see me as much as you,  talked to me,  flowers,  encouragement and support.  I love you...

 When I was ready to come home I called my best friend.   I had to find someone else.  Why?  She had to spend time with her Girlfriend.  So who was there for me?   BlueShirt.  Thank You.  For helping me out.  Hobbling thru the drugstore while I got me something to eat some shampoo so I could take a real shower and something to eat so my sugar didn't drop.  I love you for it BlueShirt.  I look forward to being yer "House bitch"  LMAO.

  I have stopped asking myself why This is happening to me,  to us,  and started saying,  I am glad it is.  It is a stepping stone.  it is a chance for me to do what I should have all along.  I need to stuff my pride.  Get disability,  Finish my books  heal get well and get on my own.   Publish,  and become the woman I know I can after divorce,  displacement and disaster has cleaned my slate and given me the opportunity to make a new life.

It's time to rise from the ashes.
its time to brush off the old
and dawn  the new.

Letter 24 - It's Only Human.

   When I was a child I was the kind of kid who brought home the baby birds who fell from the nest,  pried scared, bloody,  but still breathing animals from our cat's mouth and tried to nurse them back to health.   It Didn't always work.

   When I was a preteen I found my cat,  Duke,  with a rabbit.   Just a baby and he had simply torn off a piece of the poor little things fur on its leg.     I took it inside cleaned the wound put on some Neosporin and held it as it slowly calmed and stopped shaking.   I didn't hold it too tight.   I let it know I was OK if it wanted to hop off and move about the little room I had shut us in so the cat couldn't try to harm it again.    It would do just that,  move around limping only a little at first then not much at all.    Coming back to me when I waved a veggie piece I had brought in to feed it.   Later the same day I walked it out to the back yard,   making sure Duke wasn't about and let it go into the woods.   It felt good to do that,  help that little creature have a shot at continuing its life even tho it seemed to have been chosen by Mother Nature to play its role in the food chain.

  I had, at one point, decided I wanted a Cockateil.    But when I went to pick one out I fell for a week baby who had been attacked by his mother, as nature does sometimes with a baby that has something wrong with it.   She had bit off one of its toes.   This was the bird I took home with me.   In time he perched just fine and became very attached to me.   Even waking in the night to find the little dear perched on my pillow nuzzling up to me and my warmth.   I loved that little bird,  "Ricki"  I named em.

  I have always had a soft spot for the things that are broken, cracked,  or struggling.   I want to and like to help.   I don't like to see anything or one in pain when I have the ability to maybe help it along.   This is true also of humans as well as animals.

  All through my life there have been people I "took under my wing"  in one way or another.   Rarely able to help them in anyway but advice,  a shoulder, and any aid I could give to help them think,  feel,  and see things better in the world.

  A 16 year old gay boy who's father had beaten him to a pulp.    He lived with me,  shared,  learned, and grew some.   A older man who found himself with 2 beautiful daughters and no real direction on how to care for them or his home after a divorce left him shattered.   I love them all still.  I had to walk away,  tho it was sad it came to that.   A 18 year old submissive man who's Mistress had left him with a unneeded case of Extreme blue balls.  Have any of you ever heard of a male being so backed up with sexual energy he needed his balls "scraped"  or cleaned in order to keep from being damaged permanently?  Unfortunately with the humans I have met and been able to help its always another human(s)  who have done the damage.  Not mother nature and her cycles.

  I recently watched a documentary that I loved that touched on this difference with humans as opposed to animals.  More specifically,  the difference between us and our closest relative,  genetically speaking,  the chimps and apes creationists are appalled to hear called such,  "Our Relatives".

  An experiment they did where they attached a rope to a block with a "reward" on it.  The rope  strung through this  contraption and out 2 holes and handed to these chimps.   The trick was,  for the chimps to get the "reward" they had to pull the string together, which pulled the rewards closer to them.    If one of the chimps failed to do his job but somehow the other chimp got his reward close enough to grab.  The chimp would eat it and forget to "help" the other complete the task so he could eat as well.

  When the same test was done on kids,  Toddlers.    they found that the kids would help until both got their rewards,  even making it a more fair result by making sure to share a reward if one kid got more than the other.  The children would give each other some of their reward if it was unevenly distributed.

  The difference between the chimps and humans was simple.   Chimps help and aid for their own benefit alone.   If they get what they need they will walk away and not help the other.   Humans are not INNATELY that way.      We are born collaborators, it's in our DNA!   We are moved by instinct to aid the sick,  injured,  or unwell.   The reason there are those who act like chimps in this world,  is not because humans are just selfish.  It is again an example of how our basic makeup is generally the same but out life experience is what shapes us, and in some case,  changes our nature.  

  When I see someone actually struggle to stifle that nature,  or not seem to be able to accept someone is displaying this giving, helpful, and unconditional kind of love.   It breaks my heart.   When someone cannot seem to fathom or understand why someone would put themselves out there as this kind of aid to them,  it really does make me sad.   Especially because I have the same issues.   I hate to ask for help,  and when someone does offer,  it almost feels bad to accept.  Sometimes,  however,  it is needed.  Humans do need other humans.  It's nothing to be ashamed of,  even tho we are.

  I am sure you are wondering what the moral of this story is?  

  In the end,  the ones I was there for for the most part,  left.   They regained their strength and moved on into their lives with sincere thank you's and a occasional (Even to this day)  update on where they are,  how they are, and a repeated thank you,  for the role I played.  The Rabbit,  yes even him.   Standing in my back yard one afternoon.   A large rabbit hoped out from the cover of the woods behind our house.   It approached me and I was amazed at how close it got.   It looked at me, its little nose twitching as its eyes moved from me to the world around it keeping a eye out for danger.   Danger that I was not identified as.  When it turned to go back to the cover of the woods I saw a small patch on its hind leg where fur had not grown back.   He survived,  learned,  grew, and continued to live with a wiser mind, lessons learned.

 The moral-  I do not feel I deserve more than what someone can or even wants to give,  I do not "Expect" recompense.  I let go if needed.   I have learned in my life it comes back.   All the good and positive you put out.  It will come back somehow.  I continue to love,  broadly,  without expectations.  Well at least without real expectations.   Respect,  that is all I require in my world.  I will let go completely if necessary,  and I will not force someone/thing to stay if it is not willing to.  My door,  my arms,  my aid (what i can give)  is always open, and free to utilize.    I will never be the kind who can turn away someone who needs something I can give.  As long as it does not negatively effect me and my world.  At least too deeply.  Always positive and negative in life.  Need to accept both to live healthy or even be remotely happy.

  I am not here to clip your wings,  tie you down,  or cut you from the tree.   A flower begins to die when you pick it.   A bird is meant to fly,  and a monkey is meant to climb and swing.  (cheeky monkey)  

  I do however know,  we aid each other in many ways.  It is our past we need to leave behind,  and the preconceptions it left us with.   I will say it again,  and more than likely many times in the future.  I am not like the other girls you seem to measure my words and actions by.   I mean what I say.  I mull it about carefully before I exclaim my feelings.    

A time for everything.
A place for everything.


  













 

Letter 23 - Drunken Blur

   Oh my,  OK in a place in my head I could not avoid but write a lil.    Eating leftovers and thinking about tonight.  On a whole it was good,   for me.   I cannot for certain it was for Him.  DO I care?   yes.   Does it matter now?   No.   Only in the sense that I do so hope he got something good from it.   I know I did.  On many levels.   TheShocker is so much more than we know,  a bit more than a lot of people will ever see,  and just crazy enough to float that shit perfectly.

(meaning he can make it work.)

You and Me,  you rascal,  We talked a bit tonight.   Truth my dear friend.   I hope non of it hurt too much and I hope also you can take it as such..   meaning it was all "Truth"   Lol  What's happened to me?   Not exactly sure.   But I have been evolving for a year and feel as if i recently have taken a leap and or bound!   I love how this journey I have been on has been utter self discovery.    Even in what I do to be there for others.   Anything I have done Selfish or selfless.  everything in between.  All of it has helped in so many ways.


  I apologized to HisRoyalRascalness the other night,  I said I "take from you"   I wonder if it,   bothers you really.   YOU were my knight in shining armor tonight.  Ya kinda saved me.  Ya didn't have to,   I would have survived.   But you were there.  Ty.  More than I can say.


  I feel a odd closing of doors in me lately.   Evaluating..   Always reworking,  refining,  redefining.  It's getting hard to understand how or why things are as they are.   Trying to dig into myself and figure out why it is i am "taken for granted"  so often.     But the more I continue this Re Evaluation...  The more becomes clear.    I am still to bitter,  and not much after my Divorce has done anything to,  help me believe in any of this anymore.  

In what?
Love,
Trust.
Relationships
Men

in general,  that its not all just some kind of fucked up fantasy we pretend to find and or fall into.
I prefer my friendships.   Somehow I need to find a way to ignore the hole left in me by all this.  Not fill,  but forget.


Last night I drank and partied a lil too much but then,  it was a amazing chill afternoon with TheShocker.   Learned more about him.   I like em.  Hes like a lil brother I had but disappeared.  (those who know me get that)
Can't wait to get to hang out more with em.

I really haven't much else to share.   I've had little or no inspiration lately.  Or at least I am,  hard to inspire!  Weighed down by worries.   It happens.

 I offer too much,
expect too little
 swallow more than my share
and share more than I aught to.

 I cannot change who I am.
even if I am
Just Too Me.




 

Letter 22 - Epiphany

 

    Many of these little things in the past few weeks.  epiphanies!   Good and bad, but all useful in finding myself,  knowing myself and loving myself.   Beginning to realize the less I let people's opinions effect my actions,  the better i present myself to others.   It's not my hang up,  its theirs. The worst thing you can do for yourself in life is let another person's hangups become yours.  I have spent some time going over some things I have done via YouTube and realized exactly how much my ex husband,  his overly conservative family and their way of looking at the world had stifled my voice.  More correctly,  how I let them stifle it.

  I had,  before becoming a part of my Ex husbands family, spoken out about religion,  injustice not just in the cult I was brought up in,  but also in all of them.  (yes I see all organized religion as a Cult)   I made cooking video's "Cooking on a Dime"  which I really want to restart.  I was and am still able to show people how to feed themselves and even a large dinner party for very little.  Under 20 Dollars for large dinner parties.  10-15 people.  5 Dollars or so for 2-4 people.   How to do it now,  that is gonna be the question.  I let the fire in me be doused and the hatred of myself grow.    I also have been reminded by watching these videos how since I have been free of the marriage,  become more happy,  and more healthy.

  Cooking on a Dime

Is Doctrine Important.

(An answer to a asshole)

  I have lost so much of myself in the years I was married.   I am slowly getting it back. (well not the weight lets hope.)   The confidence to do these things again and express myself.   I think this is why I sometimes go quiet when talking with HisRoyalRascalness about religion.  I spent so much time,  focused thru YouTube,  Facebook,  and many other XJW sites, that now I am just not sure what else I have to say about it.    But I am sure,  it will return.   When it does i plan on strapping on a megaphone and letting it be heard.

For more videos of both kinds and some oddly different kinds visit:  http://www.youtube.com/user/akashafuhr

Weight loss yes!:

                                                                   

 I have also realized as of late that I am confused.   What I know I want and what my emotions tell me are so in conflict.    So,  I am not going after,  or seeking anything,  unless it is to better my future.  Those things that will make my future brighter,  more stable,  and less stressful are all I will actively seek.   Anything else will be a bonus.    Keeping it simple,  keeping it real.


 Relationships,  well,  I am good with the ones I have.  I feel no obligation to be or do anything I wouldn't.  I feel support and love from all of the people in my circle.   I feel no need for anything more than what I have.  I have what I "Need".   Anything more would add complications I just cannot deal with right now.  I will not wake every morning right now and my thoughts have to be adjusted to another persons life or path as well.

Ain't no one got time for that.

 I am in a tough spot.  Not the toughest I have ever been in,  but it rates up there.   Focusing on De-Rutting  myself.  Then I will see what I run into when at full speed again.

 I am very glad you got some comfort from last night babe.  I did too,  tho wasnt in need of much comforting myself last night,  or even now as it seems.  Come to an odd appreciation of the good and bad in the past,  present and Future.   Mmmh  How does one hold on to contentment?

Stop trying to hold on so tight.

Light and Love.
Blessed Be!

Letter 21 - Just too me.

                                                           

  Family Dinner Night,  this week had the added awesome of being a birthday for 2 of the people in our Motley Family.    Jerk Steak,  shrimp scampi and Shrimp Cocktail,.   Homemade Mac n Cheese,  Hamburgers and grilled corn among other things.   WeddingDress, MusicMan, BlueShirt, TheShocker, HisRoyalRascalness,  Olivia and her little girl Malory, Tracy, Tayana,  and Myself.   It was a fulfilling night on most levels.  The food came out well.  Even tho my Mac n' Cheese was done far to early it still turned out to taste fine.   I felt productive,  and the family like air of the night was amazing.   I love these guys,  all of them.
           

  At one point in the night,  I realized how wonderful these people were after the food was done and I went and laid out on the couch watching them interact while they got their plates.  The chatter in the room was awesome.   Many convos  many voices all seeming to melt into a perfectly pleasing drone.    Silverware clinking on plates,  laughter,  and a baby having her diaper changed on the ottoman where I was sitting.   Malory,  this lil girl is just sunshine and roses.   Love that I have the privilege of watching her grow at this stage in a baby's Life.  Olivia finished and rolled the diaper up.

"Think Fast!"  She yelled to TheShocker across the room,  who to my surprise held out his hand to catch the nasty lil package.  I will say the look on his face when that full diaper hit his hand was priceless.   But he got over it threw it out and the whole scenario made me smile,  Family.

  I have had a few good responses from my resume's and applications.  I am hoping that I can land at least ONE of the positions.  Having more than one come back for me would give me the awesome illusion of choice!   Everyone loves choices.

  I was reprimanded for my physical imperfections this week.   I was told how disgusting they are,  I was knocked off my game in a large way.   I have lost so much weight,  all I can do,  is remind myself of where I was,  where I am now,  and where I am headed,  and how pathetic the people are who make their choices when it comes to people based on such superficial ridiculousness.   Let me take a moment to elaborate on what this kind of thing does to a woman.   You assholes,  superficial,  retarded and hypocritical assholes.   Assholes who need to look in the mirror and realize they are not even remotely  close to what even I would call a prime specimen of maleness.
For me,  all I seem to be able to muster as far as intimacy is concern right now is cuddles caress and snuggles.    I don't want sex.   I dunno how I would or will react to someone going past those lines with me right now.

  I have made a friend recently,  a kindred Spirit.    She is from my same background.   Grew up a Jehovah's Witness just like me.   A name for this one.  ahh  *smiles*  I hope she gets as much a giggle outta this as I hope.   "LittleBoPeep"   I think that will work fine with her.    This girl has plucked at my heartstrings on many levels.   Pain for her in her situation,  her sincere desire to make my world a lil easier same as I have offered to help make hers a bit more,  Enjoyable.   She said something about this whole thing with the hypocritical assholes in my life who seem to dwell so intently on the Superficial.  "It takes 10 compliments to wipe one insult away"

  Insults,  they also can be in the form of Silence when someone speaks.  shares their worries and fears,  opens themselves up to be examined.   I have been offended on both levels.    Both by outright mean and hateful speech toward me because I am not "putting out"  and by silence in people who I wanted (and desperately needed) nothing more,  than for them to tell me I was beautiful in their eyes.

  Now,  after a night like last when HisRoyalRascalness spends time and we get our snuggles and caresses, our bubble time,  and for the past month or two.   That perfect tease,  engine rev,  and comforting nuzzles.    Once he is gone,  and if it was enough to make me feel the desire to cum and release the tension built up by it.   When I finally do,  put up some pictures I was blessed with being allowed to take, and let myself sate my own sexual appetite.   When it's done,   every time I do it.  I cry,  I cry myself to sleep my fucken dildo lying next to me in bed like a sick reminder of how it is the closest I may ever come to a real lover again.   I am older,  turning 39 in September,   I am sick,  diabetes and complications with it.    I am not thin,  tight and young.   I feel this dream going the way of having a child for me.  I really do love myself,  how far I have come in weight loss,  in learning to be without my husband.  (Today would be our 5th anniversary)   But like I had to face the reality of a child never being in my future,  I am finding myself facing the fact I will not ever be loved in that way again.  Everyone chances the rainbows,   waterfalls,  fantasies.   Overlooking what they have that is good.   I stopped doing that long ago.   It breaks my heart...  Not just for me,  but for the pain they seem to be causing themselves as well.    

Sick thing is,  I know I am worth it.  That kind of love.    Especially since I am working more now to get myself together.   Get back on my feet again (second time in 1 year)   Not even the weight loss factors in there for my own view on my worth to myself,  and to another.    It's the sheer determination I have,   no matter how shitty I get to feeling,  I get to it.  Keep pushing,  fighting, and striving to be a better person.  For myself,  no one else.    The more I work on that,  however, the less I seem to want to be attached.   The less I want someones bullshit to fuck it up.    The less I want to share of what I need with anyone else.   At least *I* will not shit on my own dreams, aspirations,  or self worth.   Weather intentional or not.   It happens very often.   I have been learning, (have yet to perfect it)  to not take it personal when someone does this.  Thru action or silence.   I will and am trying to simply,  give what I get.

  Last night while HisRoyalRascalness and I were sharing some snuggles,  a whole lot of chatting and sharing,  I realized something about him.   He really,  I think,  suffered from a worse lack of trust than I do.   And in that lack of trust he insulted me.    We were chatting about my recent sexual exploits,  and the fact he helped me find that I am no longer allergic to latex like I used to be.  I thanked him for that,  he giggled and squeezed.

"But I am sure you say you use em but don't always."

 No,  watch your tongue,  I am not a liar,  If I say I do or will I WILL.  Who do you think I am really?   I think the more I listen to you and the less I speak you think I am a outright slut.   No,  I am not.  In 12 years I have been with  4 people.   And there was only ONE in those 4 whom
 I did not use a condom with.  So frankly,  you Sir,  can bite me on that one...,  (grins)  


The events of the past few weeks,  meeting his wife,  seeing how she effects him,  her presence definitely has an effect on him.  In all this,  i definitely believe,  even more so that he loves her.  In love?  Nah,  but she will always have a place in his heart.   People whittle away spots in yer heart all the time.  And even tho they may move out on some levels.  That spot,  even if shrunk,  is still theirs.   Their memories,  influence,  and presence leaving a definite mark and space that only can be accessed by them.   This is true for him.  It is one of them endearing things.    Last night i found myself done processing a lot of the past few weeks.    And I gave him a summary best I could after beer pong and Flip cup..

 *sigh*  we are getting to old for this..  *lol*

  The convo is personal..   but the sentiment not so much.   He has changed me,  I wonder if he knows how so.  I wonder if he can handle the change.  I wonder if I can.   I fight the urge to hide,  just not get involved in anything.  I really am tired.   Tired of loving,  forgiving, accepting, tolerating,  and being overlooked, unworthy,  pushed aside,  never a priority, or chastised for

Being too
Fat.
dimply.
passionate.
doting.
female.
Old.
imperfect.
For being too,
ME.

Letter 20 - Processing.. Please wait.

   I am not even really sure what to write today.   It's been a few since my last blog.   Things are not going quite how I need them to right now.  I am still looking for work,  uncertain I will be able to make rent this month.  The way things are I already know I won't.   I don't know exactly what to do.  But I am trying to keep that brave face on,  smile when I can.  I do know,  however,  i fail sometimes.   For that i am truly sorry.   I am human, nothing more,  nothing less.

  Friday,  I don't know why I didn't follow my gut and not go out to the club with the girls.  I woke and knew I wasn't feeling well,  I knew my head wasn't in the space to be surrounded by loud music and lesbians!  But I went anyway to Support my Best friends Girlfriend and because HisRoyalRascalness was going.   I should have listened to my gut and stayed home.   Instead i ended up really kinda messing up his evening and out myself in a state that was not at all good.

  I have a hard time with the places i get to go around here.   It is predominantly gay bars and lesbian bars.  Now,  I haven't an issue with the community.  I just have a issue with not being able to hang out with people I can flirt with and play that game.   I need seriously to find some straight places to go on occasion.

  I say it often enough to people but they seem to disregard it as either a lie,  or impossibility.


   "No I am not gay,  but I also am not straight either."

 Generally I get a bitter face and a reply of,

  "I don't have time for that."

Wait,  what?   Is the very community that goes on about tolerance for them and their lifestyle actually gonna reject how I look at my sexuality because it don't fit Their "norms"?  I call bull shit,  loud and clear.   This weekend I met a friend who I had been talking to via FetLife and I was stunned by her.   She came from my same background.  Grew up a Jehovah's Witness, and is at the moment just starting to bust out onto the BDSM community here in S Florida.   Her energy,  her smile,  her eyes.   All something that take you back a step or two when you meet her.   When I spoke to Tracy the next day I told her i kissed her but really WANTED to kiss her.  I felt a draw to her.   Her reply,

 "Why your not a lesbian."

  Really?  Have I not been heard or is it just not something YOU can tolerate within this community.  Someone who is open to love in general.  Not in Gender?   Really rather pissed off about this mentality I run into in a community that states they are open, tolerant,  and progressive.

  Love should not be bound with rules.  This is what the gay community preaches.   But apparently my way of looking on things does not apply?   Mmh.


  Writing isn't coming very easy for me right now,  for some reason I have a bit of a block with it.    It happens.   Need some inspiration.  Need it bad!  So short post.


  I am focusing on a job,  my writing and my health.  Best I can,  i just have not felt the words lately.   Or maybe,  I am just still processing things...

Letter 19 - There's a Freak for that...

   It seems Wednesday night is going to be "Family dinner night"  here.   Last night we had the whole crew over.  BlueShirt, FreakLawyer who now will be referred to as "TheShocker"  Perfect for him and his antics.   WeddingDress,  MusicMan, and even my ToyBoy,  whom seems to be back to his old self again,  as am I.

Always good to smell you.

  It finally came out to the group that I have this blog going.   They are all intrigued at its,  direction,  and more of them are reading.  (Hi guys!  *waves*)  So I know for sure TheShocker is reading and BlueShirt.   The rest,  not totally sure.   I do hope in time they will would make my day!

  So,  last night the boy's cooked dinner.   Save for Tracy who did the grilling and made her BBQ sauce for the ribs.   Fantastic,  yummy and well done.  Garlic mash by WeddingDress,  burgers and ribs by Tracy.   This time I didn't cook..

  Gonna be good and stay off my feet as much as possible until it heals.   Gonna be boring,  no Moon,  no outings being good.  

  I have this issue,  since before the divorce.  If I cannot put food on the table myself,  I do not eat much if at all.  I cannot bring myself,   at the moment I am struggling to pay rent.   I don't care how hungry I get.  I have to be SERIOUSLY starving to eat in those circumstances.   But when people bring stuff specifically for the "Family Dinners"  I partake,  or if I cook the food,   I partake.   Otherwise I do not eat the food in the house unless I have put something in to it.  Last night I grubbed.  Hamburger and a rib with a lil bit of Garlic Mash, which again,  Was fantastic.   Tho when I went to get my coffee this morning I realized why.   WeddingDress killed my half n half in the potatoes.  (as well as the last of our butter)  No wonder it was so fantastic!  Really was awesome.

  Time with my ToyBoy last night was spectacular,  I dunno why I am so amorous right now.   But I am and very much the kitten.

  Purr purr nudge rub.

 He always smells so good.  Always rubs back.  At one point I had one of my moments of absolute uncontrollable giddiness.    You know,  like a cat who suddenly runs circles around your feet and up a drape.   I kissed em,  recent insistence from someone he was a crappy kisser reminded me of how wonderful his lips were for a moment.   I couldn't help it.  Went in for a peck and took a little more than that.  He reciprocated for a moment..   But just a moment.

"Emmy Lou Marie,  that was a full of a passion your flirting, being a rascal."   Yeah Fuck you,  enjoy friendship on all levels.   Just because I am playful,  does not mean I want to fuck.   Enjoy the engine rev and relax!!!!

  Kinda feeling a bit flirtatious lately,  and it really is just a tease.   I oddly have no desire to be physical with anyone like that right now.   Not completely.   I just want to tease.   Pet,  stroke, coo,  kiss and cuddle.

I know you can handle that 

  They say one of the best ways to keep yourself on target with a goal is announce to the people closest to you what you are doing and why.   Well here we go....

  As of today I have quit smoking.  I will not be buying them or bumming them.   If I try to please remind me of my words.   NO!  YOU QUIT!   And Walk away!  I am done with em..  KnightInShiningArmor,  he made an awesome point.   If I truly want to be published.   If I wanna make it I have to take care of  "The Vessel".  Meaning my body.  One way and the start is to finish what I keep starting.

No no no,  no more.   I am done.

  
This is gonna be very hard for me.   I do not want to gain any of the weight back I have lost.   I am 20 lbs from my initial goal.   I plan on approaching it.   I will need my friends to help me by reminding me,  rudely if need be,  that I have quit and why.


I know I can count on you at the very least.  


  Later in the night TheShocker came and knelt in front of me.   I have no qualms anymore about walking around in sandals even with my missing toe.  Fuck it.  It's healed its clean,  its a part of me.   I think TheShocker saw how I am truly still a lil ashamed of it.  OR true to his form.  He knew he could shock the group.   There is also the possibility he really is just this much of a Dirty lil Fuck.  I was sat there with my legs crossed and he knelt in front of me Half serious look and half trying to stifle a giggle.

"I wanna lick yer freak toe"  he said looking up at me.  One knee on the deck the other bracing his arm.

  At first I was taken back.   Like,  ew my toe hole?

 ToyBoy was setting right next to me.  I saw him get very uncomfy.   I Diffused the situation with one line.


"I will let you taste my toes when you ask me and I believe what it is you are saying and that you really want to."  TheShocker's face twisted for a sec and his other knee fell to the ground,  he looked me square in the eyes and said.

  "I really want to lick yer freak toe"

"I still do not believe you.   Try again later."

  ToyBoy at this point got up and said  "I am gonna go get my last cig."

Mmhmmm,  Oddness,  ToyBoy challenges my perceptions of him always.   I know there's a freak in there.   Its a subdued behind the scenes freak.  But its there and I wanna draw it out.  I think,  once he realizes its not about a "One and only"  relationship.   That I just want to have fun with him,  and that sex to me will not mean I am his,  or he is mine.   He is a friend.  His X wife's label might actually be perfect.   As much as I hate labels.  Yeah "physical playmate"  I think is the closest I have heard.   He has told me in the past,  the things that turn him on about me.   My face,  my smile,  my eyes,  and my mind.  Well,  lately this info has given me odd fantasies.  I wonder how much of sex he allows for his own pleasure.   Always aiming to please the one he is with.  Rarely getting his.  Examples:   The fact he spoke about that position I experienced for the first time the other day with KnightInShiningArmor.   Deep throat.

Do you worry it would be all for you and do nothing for me?   Is that why you stifle the primal?

Had a odd fantasy last night.   Similar to what happened with TheKnightInShiningArmor, accept I want to see his face.   I want to watch him cum all over my face as I watch his twist in pleasure.  How odd is that?  (not at all really)

If ya like my face take yer pleasure from it ToyBoy.   I wan't nothing more than what you are willing to give and share.   Enjoy friendship on all levels like the rascal you are.
                                                                

  HisRoyalRascalness did not look so well after a while.   Pale,  tired and obviously needing some kinda of energy.   I made him a sandwich and it held for a while.  But shortly after TheShocker asked about my toe,  I turned to him.  So pale....

  "Are you OK?"

"Just a little tired"

"Maybe you should go home and eat something more since the food here won't be ready until very late."

  I hate that I could not really provide for him at this moment.   I haven't been able to get groceries myself for 5 weeks.   It's not mine to give away.   I feel helpless,  hungry,  empty and impotent.   I am working hard as possible in my life to level out again after loosing so much.

I am sorry,  I wish I was able to do more.   Like you said tonight while we had a lil phone time.  It's good we can and do only give what is in our "surplus"  when it comes to each other materially.  Yes in some ways.   I would give you half my meal if you did not eat for a full day.   But I wouldn't give you something and hurt myself.   If you believe that I would,   you are delusional.    Without my health,   without my stability.  I cannot be here for anyone else.   (take yer "Co Dependency" BS and Stuff it)  I can offer only what is not "necessity" in life.  My heart,   my mind,  my soul,  my body.   These things I have to give in spades.    I would even,  if at some point,  you turned to me and asked if I would be happy with you alone.  No others,   Yes,  I would,  but that is not you,  or me Right now.  I am more than good with that.  I have my own questions to answer.   My own internal stock to take.  I do know however,  where it counts,  regardless of what those other superficial and unworthy of you girls say,  More than worthy, able, and enough to make someone happy.   Someone who can accept the neg,  embrace the positive and love you for what you are.

Charming,
Sexy,
Caring,
Responsible,  (learning to be with your health)
Smart,
Giving,
Honest,

Tho a bit of a Rascal.

I stole TheShocker's Hat.

  Today we had TheShocker over mid afternoon until about 8 pm.  He is helping us with some legal advice and also helped diffuse a truly bad evening in the making.   I hope he knows that.   Olivia showed and graced us with her presence as well.  It was lovely,  I love the family activity here.    People who know they are welcome always.   Got to know a bit more about TheShocker.   Today he was mostly his subdued self.  It was nice.  He is a lil Hot when in lawyer mode...  Love ya freaks!

  ToyBoy?  I dunno I like that anymore.  A toy is something that is played with and cast aside.  I cannot do that will not do that.   I will not allow you to look at yourself that way.  Yer not a dildo or a play thing.  Never,  you are more than A toy to me.  You are a man,  a good one.  We all have cracks and chips in us from our life.  Some are unable to be repaired completely or at all.  But with all those cracks,  I see the beauty beneath   The worth, and beauty other girls seem to miss because they are looking at what will mean nothing in the end.  (Karma is a bitch ain't it?)   I think you are slowly learning this,  unable to let go of it as of yet.   Yer not ready.  Few more knocks to take.  I hope one does not kill you.

  I love you, YourRoyalRascalness  keep on  doing better.  Eat yer breakfast,  lunch,  dinner.  Cigs are gone now.  Hard hard gonna be hard.  I am tired of them,  the smell,  the cough,  the lack of STAMINA!  ;D

  See ya soon!  very soon.  Sleep well,  make IT issues disappear,  and EAT YER FOOD.  Not just veggies either.  A guy with Hypoglycemia  Need regular Protein rich food.  Don't make me come over and force feed you a real sammich.  (You already know I will)

Always walk in light and love!
Blessed be.
<3