Learning lately you cannot trust anyone really. At least not completely. I was made to feel the way my husband made me feel last year this week. Disposable, discard able, and unimportant. A piece in the puzzle of my family that can be put to the side and not needed to make the picture complete. A boarder piece that can be left out. Ironically, it also showed me I don't need to be a part of the picture either. I am fine as my own lil piece. And I will build my own picture.
Had a week long stay in the hospital this week. Thank You Tayana for taking me. Infection in a sore on my foot again. It is so hard to afford what is needed as a diabetic in this economy. I haven't been able to eat right or afford my insulin so I got sick. When I was admitted to the hospital I was malnourished and dehydrated, I had a blood born infection and was on antibiotics 5 times a day for a week. Made me very sick while making me better. Kinda fucked up that is.
While I was there, my roommate and best friend decided it was the perfect time to tell me I was going to have to find a place of my own. That her and her girlfriend were going to find a 2 bedroom and I was on my own. Now keep in mind this entire time even tho I had lost my job I had made my rent every month. I did not eat the food in the house unless I was cooking for everyone or on "Family Dinner night" because I knew they were short on money and they had a child to feed. And I hadn't the money for my own food it all went to rent.
I broke down.
I went into a deep depression. They put me on suicide watch in the hospital, and put me in a room near the nurses station. I have to admit my thoughts became very dark. My Telephone did not go off much, no IM's No messages really save for a couple people. HisRoyalRascalness, BlueShirt, and LittleBoPeep who is going through some shit of her own. I cried for days, had the psych consults and medications, I didn't want to live, I didn't see the point. I still am struggling with the darkness in my head. Still trying to understand why I end up the one who ends up and option. The interchangeable piece. The one who can be put aside, on the back burner and detached so quickly, almost seemingly so easily.
Who was there for me? Who brought me flowers, talked to me gave me kisses and rubbed my back. Brought me a book and little gifts and kind words to make me see the good in the situations
You were, you rascal, of all the people, you. thank you so much, you have no idea how much I appreciate your being there. No one came to see me as much as you, talked to me, flowers, encouragement and support. I love you...
When I was ready to come home I called my best friend. I had to find someone else. Why? She had to spend time with her Girlfriend. So who was there for me? BlueShirt. Thank You. For helping me out. Hobbling thru the drugstore while I got me something to eat some shampoo so I could take a real shower and something to eat so my sugar didn't drop. I love you for it BlueShirt. I look forward to being yer "House bitch" LMAO.
I have stopped asking myself why This is happening to me, to us, and started saying, I am glad it is. It is a stepping stone. it is a chance for me to do what I should have all along. I need to stuff my pride. Get disability, Finish my books heal get well and get on my own. Publish, and become the woman I know I can after divorce, displacement and disaster has cleaned my slate and given me the opportunity to make a new life.
It's time to rise from the ashes.
its time to brush off the old
and dawn the new.
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