It seems Wednesday night is going to be "Family dinner night" here. Last night we had the whole crew over. BlueShirt, FreakLawyer who now will be referred to as "TheShocker" Perfect for him and his antics. WeddingDress, MusicMan, and even my ToyBoy, whom seems to be back to his old self again, as am I.
Always good to smell you.
It finally came out to the group that I have this blog going. They are all intrigued at its, direction, and more of them are reading. (Hi guys! *waves*) So I know for sure TheShocker is reading and BlueShirt. The rest, not totally sure. I do hope in time they will would make my day!
So, last night the boy's cooked dinner. Save for Tracy who did the grilling and made her BBQ sauce for the ribs. Fantastic, yummy and well done. Garlic mash by WeddingDress, burgers and ribs by Tracy. This time I didn't cook..
Gonna be good and stay off my feet as much as possible until it heals. Gonna be boring, no Moon, no outings being good.
I have this issue, since before the divorce. If I cannot put food on the table myself, I do not eat much if at all. I cannot bring myself, at the moment I am struggling to pay rent. I don't care how hungry I get. I have to be SERIOUSLY starving to eat in those circumstances. But when people bring stuff specifically for the "Family Dinners" I partake, or if I cook the food, I partake. Otherwise I do not eat the food in the house unless I have put something in to it. Last night I grubbed. Hamburger and a rib with a lil bit of Garlic Mash, which again, Was fantastic. Tho when I went to get my coffee this morning I realized why. WeddingDress killed my half n half in the potatoes. (as well as the last of our butter) No wonder it was so fantastic! Really was awesome.
Time with my ToyBoy last night was spectacular, I dunno why I am so amorous right now. But I am and very much the kitten.
Purr purr nudge rub.
He always smells so good. Always rubs back. At one point I had one of my moments of absolute uncontrollable giddiness. You know, like a cat who suddenly runs circles around your feet and up a drape. I kissed em, recent insistence from someone he was a crappy kisser reminded me of how wonderful his lips were for a moment. I couldn't help it. Went in for a peck and took a little more than that. He reciprocated for a moment.. But just a moment.
"Emmy Lou Marie, that was a full of a passion your flirting, being a rascal." Yeah Fuck you, enjoy friendship on all levels. Just because I am playful, does not mean I want to fuck. Enjoy the engine rev and relax!!!!
Kinda feeling a bit flirtatious lately, and it really is just a tease. I oddly have no desire to be physical with anyone like that right now. Not completely. I just want to tease. Pet, stroke, coo, kiss and cuddle.
I know you can handle that
They say one of the best ways to keep yourself on target with a goal is announce to the people closest to you what you are doing and why. Well here we go....
As of today I have quit smoking. I will not be buying them or bumming them. If I try to please remind me of my words. NO! YOU QUIT! And Walk away! I am done with em.. KnightInShiningArmor, he made an awesome point. If I truly want to be published. If I wanna make it I have to take care of "The Vessel". Meaning my body. One way and the start is to finish what I keep starting.
No no no, no more. I am done.
This is gonna be very hard for me. I do not want to gain any of the weight back I have lost. I am 20 lbs from my initial goal. I plan on approaching it. I will need my friends to help me by reminding me, rudely if need be, that I have quit and why.
I know I can count on you at the very least.
Later in the night TheShocker came and knelt in front of me. I have no qualms anymore about walking around in sandals even with my missing toe. Fuck it. It's healed its clean, its a part of me. I think TheShocker saw how I am truly still a lil ashamed of it. OR true to his form. He knew he could shock the group. There is also the possibility he really is just this much of a Dirty lil Fuck. I was sat there with my legs crossed and he knelt in front of me Half serious look and half trying to stifle a giggle.
"I wanna lick yer freak toe" he said looking up at me. One knee on the deck the other bracing his arm.
At first I was taken back. Like, ew my toe hole?
ToyBoy was setting right next to me. I saw him get very uncomfy. I Diffused the situation with one line.
"I will let you taste my toes when you ask me and I believe what it is you are saying and that you really want to." TheShocker's face twisted for a sec and his other knee fell to the ground, he looked me square in the eyes and said.
"I really want to lick yer freak toe"
"I still do not believe you. Try again later."
ToyBoy at this point got up and said "I am gonna go get my last cig."
Mmhmmm, Oddness, ToyBoy challenges my perceptions of him always. I know there's a freak in there. Its a subdued behind the scenes freak. But its there and I wanna draw it out. I think, once he realizes its not about a "One and only" relationship. That I just want to have fun with him, and that sex to me will not mean I am his, or he is mine. He is a friend. His X wife's label might actually be perfect. As much as I hate labels. Yeah "physical playmate" I think is the closest I have heard. He has told me in the past, the things that turn him on about me. My face, my smile, my eyes, and my mind. Well, lately this info has given me odd fantasies. I wonder how much of sex he allows for his own pleasure. Always aiming to please the one he is with. Rarely getting his. Examples: The fact he spoke about that position I experienced for the first time the other day with KnightInShiningArmor. Deep throat.
Do you worry it would be all for you and do nothing for me? Is that why you stifle the primal?
Had a odd fantasy last night. Similar to what happened with TheKnightInShiningArmor, accept I want to see his face. I want to watch him cum all over my face as I watch his twist in pleasure. How odd is that? (not at all really)
If ya like my face take yer pleasure from it ToyBoy. I wan't nothing more than what you are willing to give and share. Enjoy friendship on all levels like the rascal you are.
HisRoyalRascalness did not look so well after a while. Pale, tired and obviously needing some kinda of energy. I made him a sandwich and it held for a while. But shortly after TheShocker asked about my toe, I turned to him. So pale....
"Are you OK?"
"Just a little tired"
"Maybe you should go home and eat something more since the food here won't be ready until very late."
I hate that I could not really provide for him at this moment. I haven't been able to get groceries myself for 5 weeks. It's not mine to give away. I feel helpless, hungry, empty and impotent. I am working hard as possible in my life to level out again after loosing so much.
I am sorry, I wish I was able to do more. Like you said tonight while we had a lil phone time. It's good we can and do only give what is in our "surplus" when it comes to each other materially. Yes in some ways. I would give you half my meal if you did not eat for a full day. But I wouldn't give you something and hurt myself. If you believe that I would, you are delusional. Without my health, without my stability. I cannot be here for anyone else. (take yer "Co Dependency" BS and Stuff it) I can offer only what is not "necessity" in life. My heart, my mind, my soul, my body. These things I have to give in spades. I would even, if at some point, you turned to me and asked if I would be happy with you alone. No others, Yes, I would, but that is not you, or me Right now. I am more than good with that. I have my own questions to answer. My own internal stock to take. I do know however, where it counts, regardless of what those other superficial and unworthy of you girls say, More than worthy, able, and enough to make someone happy. Someone who can accept the neg, embrace the positive and love you for what you are.
Charming,
Sexy,
Caring,
Responsible, (learning to be with your health)
Smart,
Giving,
Honest,
Tho a bit of a Rascal.
I stole TheShocker's Hat.
Today we had TheShocker over mid afternoon until about 8 pm. He is helping us with some legal advice and also helped diffuse a truly bad evening in the making. I hope he knows that. Olivia showed and graced us with her presence as well. It was lovely, I love the family activity here. People who know they are welcome always. Got to know a bit more about TheShocker. Today he was mostly his subdued self. It was nice. He is a lil Hot when in lawyer mode... Love ya freaks!
ToyBoy? I dunno I like that anymore. A toy is something that is played with and cast aside. I cannot do that will not do that. I will not allow you to look at yourself that way. Yer not a dildo or a play thing. Never, you are more than A toy to me. You are a man, a good one. We all have cracks and chips in us from our life. Some are unable to be repaired completely or at all. But with all those cracks, I see the beauty beneath The worth, and beauty other girls seem to miss because they are looking at what will mean nothing in the end. (Karma is a bitch ain't it?) I think you are slowly learning this, unable to let go of it as of yet. Yer not ready. Few more knocks to take. I hope one does not kill you.
I love you, YourRoyalRascalness keep on doing better. Eat yer breakfast, lunch, dinner. Cigs are gone now. Hard hard gonna be hard. I am tired of them, the smell, the cough, the lack of STAMINA! ;D
See ya soon! very soon. Sleep well, make IT issues disappear, and EAT YER FOOD. Not just veggies either. A guy with Hypoglycemia Need regular Protein rich food. Don't make me come over and force feed you a real sammich. (You already know I will)
Always walk in light and love!
Blessed be.
<3
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