Family Dinner Night, this week had the added awesome of being a birthday for 2 of the people in our Motley Family. Jerk Steak, shrimp scampi and Shrimp Cocktail,. Homemade Mac n Cheese, Hamburgers and grilled corn among other things. WeddingDress, MusicMan, BlueShirt, TheShocker, HisRoyalRascalness, Olivia and her little girl Malory, Tracy, Tayana, and Myself. It was a fulfilling night on most levels. The food came out well. Even tho my Mac n' Cheese was done far to early it still turned out to taste fine. I felt productive, and the family like air of the night was amazing. I love these guys, all of them.
"Think Fast!" She yelled to TheShocker across the room, who to my surprise held out his hand to catch the nasty lil package. I will say the look on his face when that full diaper hit his hand was priceless. But he got over it threw it out and the whole scenario made me smile, Family.
I have had a few good responses from my resume's and applications. I am hoping that I can land at least ONE of the positions. Having more than one come back for me would give me the awesome illusion of choice! Everyone loves choices.
I was reprimanded for my physical imperfections this week. I was told how disgusting they are, I was knocked off my game in a large way. I have lost so much weight, all I can do, is remind myself of where I was, where I am now, and where I am headed, and how pathetic the people are who make their choices when it comes to people based on such superficial ridiculousness. Let me take a moment to elaborate on what this kind of thing does to a woman. You assholes, superficial, retarded and hypocritical assholes. Assholes who need to look in the mirror and realize they are not even remotely close to what even I would call a prime specimen of maleness.
For me, all I seem to be able to muster as far as intimacy is concern right now is cuddles caress and snuggles. I don't want sex. I dunno how I would or will react to someone going past those lines with me right now.
I have made a friend recently, a kindred Spirit. She is from my same background. Grew up a Jehovah's Witness just like me. A name for this one. ahh *smiles* I hope she gets as much a giggle outta this as I hope. "LittleBoPeep" I think that will work fine with her. This girl has plucked at my heartstrings on many levels. Pain for her in her situation, her sincere desire to make my world a lil easier same as I have offered to help make hers a bit more, Enjoyable. She said something about this whole thing with the hypocritical assholes in my life who seem to dwell so intently on the Superficial. "It takes 10 compliments to wipe one insult away"
Insults, they also can be in the form of Silence when someone speaks. shares their worries and fears, opens themselves up to be examined. I have been offended on both levels. Both by outright mean and hateful speech toward me because I am not "putting out" and by silence in people who I wanted (and desperately needed) nothing more, than for them to tell me I was beautiful in their eyes.
Now, after a night like last when HisRoyalRascalness spends time and we get our snuggles and caresses, our bubble time, and for the past month or two. That perfect tease, engine rev, and comforting nuzzles. Once he is gone, and if it was enough to make me feel the desire to cum and release the tension built up by it. When I finally do, put up some pictures I was blessed with being allowed to take, and let myself sate my own sexual appetite. When it's done, every time I do it. I cry, I cry myself to sleep my fucken dildo lying next to me in bed like a sick reminder of how it is the closest I may ever come to a real lover again. I am older, turning 39 in September, I am sick, diabetes and complications with it. I am not thin, tight and young. I feel this dream going the way of having a child for me. I really do love myself, how far I have come in weight loss, in learning to be without my husband. (Today would be our 5th anniversary) But like I had to face the reality of a child never being in my future, I am finding myself facing the fact I will not ever be loved in that way again. Everyone chances the rainbows, waterfalls, fantasies. Overlooking what they have that is good. I stopped doing that long ago. It breaks my heart... Not just for me, but for the pain they seem to be causing themselves as well.
Sick thing is, I know I am worth it. That kind of love. Especially since I am working more now to get myself together. Get back on my feet again (second time in 1 year) Not even the weight loss factors in there for my own view on my worth to myself, and to another. It's the sheer determination I have, no matter how shitty I get to feeling, I get to it. Keep pushing, fighting, and striving to be a better person. For myself, no one else. The more I work on that, however, the less I seem to want to be attached. The less I want someones bullshit to fuck it up. The less I want to share of what I need with anyone else. At least *I* will not shit on my own dreams, aspirations, or self worth. Weather intentional or not. It happens very often. I have been learning, (have yet to perfect it) to not take it personal when someone does this. Thru action or silence. I will and am trying to simply, give what I get.
Last night while HisRoyalRascalness and I were sharing some snuggles, a whole lot of chatting and sharing, I realized something about him. He really, I think, suffered from a worse lack of trust than I do. And in that lack of trust he insulted me. We were chatting about my recent sexual exploits, and the fact he helped me find that I am no longer allergic to latex like I used to be. I thanked him for that, he giggled and squeezed.
"But I am sure you say you use em but don't always."
No, watch your tongue, I am not a liar, If I say I do or will I WILL. Who do you think I am really? I think the more I listen to you and the less I speak you think I am a outright slut. No, I am not. In 12 years I have been with 4 people. And there was only ONE in those 4 whom
I did not use a condom with. So frankly, you Sir, can bite me on that one..., (grins)
The events of the past few weeks, meeting his wife, seeing how she effects him, her presence definitely has an effect on him. In all this, i definitely believe, even more so that he loves her. In love? Nah, but she will always have a place in his heart. People whittle away spots in yer heart all the time. And even tho they may move out on some levels. That spot, even if shrunk, is still theirs. Their memories, influence, and presence leaving a definite mark and space that only can be accessed by them. This is true for him. It is one of them endearing things. Last night i found myself done processing a lot of the past few weeks. And I gave him a summary best I could after beer pong and Flip cup..
*sigh* we are getting to old for this.. *lol*
The convo is personal.. but the sentiment not so much. He has changed me, I wonder if he knows how so. I wonder if he can handle the change. I wonder if I can. I fight the urge to hide, just not get involved in anything. I really am tired. Tired of loving, forgiving, accepting, tolerating, and being overlooked, unworthy, pushed aside, never a priority, or chastised for
Being too
Fat.
dimply.
passionate.
doting.
female.
Old.
imperfect.
For being too,
ME.
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