Have you ever gone to a bowl of fruit and picked up a big juicy red apple, mouth watering and looking forward to that first bite, and upon taking a chunk you notice it is brown on the inside? First off, Way to go packing and processing for the deceit. Second, This is how it is for people who have one of those illnesses that is felt but not seen outwardly. Autism, some cancers, arthritis, fibromayalgia, Depression, Mental illness, and Diabetes. On the surface and even somewhat layers below that, they look just fine. Even smiling thru the pain they feel on a daily basis. The pain, nausea, dizziness, anguish, fear, weariness, and despair. Because THAT is what is underneath for them.
They learn to draw hope from a bunch of places. Themselves being one. That is the first step actually, can't have real faith and trust in anyone else till you have it in yourself.... OR maybe more specifically.
You can only have as much faith and trust in someone else as you have in yourself.
Yeah, I like that much better. When I left the organization, it was actually a test of my faith in myself. O.o I learned I could trust my gut, my intuition on things more than I realized. So I sent my "trusticals" (my new word) out, lil too far, farther than I should have, farther than I had learned I could trust myself. I over reached in some places. I began to learn, and still am. I won't ever stop doing that. I learned I could get things done, I learned that even while I mourn something, I am working on the solutions. It's how it worked with my divorce.
A time for everything.
When I was working on the what, when, where, and why's of my divorce, I was not mourning. I was at work for my future. But I also did not put my self to it all day, every day, for all the months I was there waiting for it to be done and over. I allotted time for, mourning and being mindless. I call it "Defrag".
Right now in my life I am doing the same. 9 am till 5 pm is my "Work" time. I "Work" on finding work and getting my book redone or working on my many other "Will benefit the near future" endeavors. At 5, I begin my Defrag. I am single, I have no children, I have a dog, and no one to answer to. So, it's whatever goes, last night I continued my "Will benefit" endeavors for another couple hours till 7. I Defraged with some Skyrim then cried a bit and fell asleep. Was a productive and nice day. Even with a cry, especially with a good cry. It was productive and complete.
I find myself in a place where just about everyone in my life has kinda backed away. I am seriously looking at the past few months trying to pick thru my actions to make sure its not because of me totally. Really am. I can see where with some yeah, I got a bit needy and lost here. Shit went to hell for me for a bit. Sorry bout that.
But some of the others.. nah, not getting it. And I dunno if I ever will. I don't think I want to or have to get it. I am just trying to survive.
Back to, trusting, relying and needing only yourself to survive. Which is where I am actually going with this. Yeah, technically, it's true. All you need to survive is you. Mmh And as I sit her I see so many provisos. IF! there are ifs. So many of them. That people who do not have those hidden Illnesses cannot fathom.
Survival = To to stay alive.
Lets elaborate. I can only use myself as an example. It may seem lame to many of you. Others will get the fear because they have the same or similar ones.
I get a low or high blood sugar I could pass out cold and die eventually in a diabetic coma. I would cease to SURVIVE unless another human happens by and sees that I am in trouble and calls a ambulance. This has happened before, where I felt that sinking like I was being pushed to the ground and gotten up to get something to eat or check my sugar after putting a peice of chocolate in my mouth. Woke up on the floor next to my chair or a few steps away. The candy raising my sugar and saving the day. But what if, I didn't have it, or passed out before I swallowed it. Or Flying spaghetti Monster forbid, choked on the candy because I passed out with it on the way down.
Just an example. Small one. Survive.
And I dunno about anyone else, but personally I do not want to simply survive.. I want to LIVE, and to truly LIVE life, to me it means you do have awesome people around you. Yeah I could Survive without another human around. But I would rather LIVE this life!
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