Oh my, OK in a place in my head I could not avoid but write a lil. Eating leftovers and thinking about tonight. On a whole it was good, for me. I cannot for certain it was for Him. DO I care? yes. Does it matter now? No. Only in the sense that I do so hope he got something good from it. I know I did. On many levels. TheShocker is so much more than we know, a bit more than a lot of people will ever see, and just crazy enough to float that shit perfectly.
(meaning he can make it work.)
You and Me, you rascal, We talked a bit tonight. Truth my dear friend. I hope non of it hurt too much and I hope also you can take it as such.. meaning it was all "Truth" Lol What's happened to me? Not exactly sure. But I have been evolving for a year and feel as if i recently have taken a leap and or bound! I love how this journey I have been on has been utter self discovery. Even in what I do to be there for others. Anything I have done Selfish or selfless. everything in between. All of it has helped in so many ways.
I apologized to HisRoyalRascalness the other night, I said I "take from you" I wonder if it, bothers you really. YOU were my knight in shining armor tonight. Ya kinda saved me. Ya didn't have to, I would have survived. But you were there. Ty. More than I can say.
I feel a odd closing of doors in me lately. Evaluating.. Always reworking, refining, redefining. It's getting hard to understand how or why things are as they are. Trying to dig into myself and figure out why it is i am "taken for granted" so often. But the more I continue this Re Evaluation... The more becomes clear. I am still to bitter, and not much after my Divorce has done anything to, help me believe in any of this anymore.
In what?
Love,
Trust.
Relationships
Men
in general, that its not all just some kind of fucked up fantasy we pretend to find and or fall into.
I prefer my friendships. Somehow I need to find a way to ignore the hole left in me by all this. Not fill, but forget.
Last night I drank and partied a lil too much but then, it was a amazing chill afternoon with TheShocker. Learned more about him. I like em. Hes like a lil brother I had but disappeared. (those who know me get that)
Can't wait to get to hang out more with em.
I really haven't much else to share. I've had little or no inspiration lately. Or at least I am, hard to inspire! Weighed down by worries. It happens.
I offer too much,
expect too little
swallow more than my share
and share more than I aught to.
I cannot change who I am.
even if I am
Just Too Me.
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