Letter 20 - Processing.. Please wait.

   I am not even really sure what to write today.   It's been a few since my last blog.   Things are not going quite how I need them to right now.  I am still looking for work,  uncertain I will be able to make rent this month.  The way things are I already know I won't.   I don't know exactly what to do.  But I am trying to keep that brave face on,  smile when I can.  I do know,  however,  i fail sometimes.   For that i am truly sorry.   I am human, nothing more,  nothing less.

  Friday,  I don't know why I didn't follow my gut and not go out to the club with the girls.  I woke and knew I wasn't feeling well,  I knew my head wasn't in the space to be surrounded by loud music and lesbians!  But I went anyway to Support my Best friends Girlfriend and because HisRoyalRascalness was going.   I should have listened to my gut and stayed home.   Instead i ended up really kinda messing up his evening and out myself in a state that was not at all good.

  I have a hard time with the places i get to go around here.   It is predominantly gay bars and lesbian bars.  Now,  I haven't an issue with the community.  I just have a issue with not being able to hang out with people I can flirt with and play that game.   I need seriously to find some straight places to go on occasion.

  I say it often enough to people but they seem to disregard it as either a lie,  or impossibility.


   "No I am not gay,  but I also am not straight either."

 Generally I get a bitter face and a reply of,

  "I don't have time for that."

Wait,  what?   Is the very community that goes on about tolerance for them and their lifestyle actually gonna reject how I look at my sexuality because it don't fit Their "norms"?  I call bull shit,  loud and clear.   This weekend I met a friend who I had been talking to via FetLife and I was stunned by her.   She came from my same background.  Grew up a Jehovah's Witness, and is at the moment just starting to bust out onto the BDSM community here in S Florida.   Her energy,  her smile,  her eyes.   All something that take you back a step or two when you meet her.   When I spoke to Tracy the next day I told her i kissed her but really WANTED to kiss her.  I felt a draw to her.   Her reply,

 "Why your not a lesbian."

  Really?  Have I not been heard or is it just not something YOU can tolerate within this community.  Someone who is open to love in general.  Not in Gender?   Really rather pissed off about this mentality I run into in a community that states they are open, tolerant,  and progressive.

  Love should not be bound with rules.  This is what the gay community preaches.   But apparently my way of looking on things does not apply?   Mmh.


  Writing isn't coming very easy for me right now,  for some reason I have a bit of a block with it.    It happens.   Need some inspiration.  Need it bad!  So short post.


  I am focusing on a job,  my writing and my health.  Best I can,  i just have not felt the words lately.   Or maybe,  I am just still processing things...