I speak exactly what is going on in my head sometimes. Always just when it is. So that means I don't always start speaking at the beginning of a thought I have had. This can be very amusing but also frustrating for people around me.
Many many examples of this recently. One specific last night. In a odd place, Feel exactly the same physically and mentally as I did during my divorce. A lot of the same, kinds of things happening. The one saving grace is, I am different.
I am not crippled by my illness as I was then
I am not crippled by people's actions toward me as I was then
I am not as weak as I was then
That time in my life made me stronger. I also realized I am ahead of some other people in my life when it comes to this aspect of my growth. Even tho when A crisis happens I may have a moment of "OH FUCK", or as some call it a moment of "Need". I tend to be back up and at it quite quickly whether with or without someone's "Aid". Plugging away at the solutions. Getting shit right again.
Certain things seem to have shut off on me now, no matter how hard I have tried to keep em on. Sexuality is one of them. I enjoy and get a great deal of joy from snuggles hugs even pets and touching of the more PG rated kind. Even arousal happens. But as far as any kind of sexual desire or maybe it is the energy to do it, focus. Even as far as self gratification. Its all just "Meh" Convo Hugs Caress. Anything else turns my stomach, causes anxiety.
Last night while I was indulging in this with HisRoyalRascalness he touched me, It was calming on one hand and on the other it made the ball in my chest rise. I knew I didn't have to worry about him wanting anything more than snuggles. I knew he was safe there. I worry he thinks *I* am after more. So In my head I was. Thinking about how I can make him understand he can do that and not think I wanna fuck em. And I started a convo with him near the end of that thought process, I had been thinking to myself how wonderful it felt to just be a kitty. I keep telling em that.
I just wan't to be a kitty with you sometimes, you rascal, how do I help you Understand that? Or "A Little" as it is called in the BDSM/Fetish world. It's not sexual, something different. I kinda went there when I tried to "Borrow your toes" Last night. It was quite Mutually enjoyable was it not?
Anyway, as my thought process continued and I was thinking about how much my sex drive had diminished as of late. I thought about how long it had been since I actually climaxed. Even tho I had sat with erotic pictures/ literature/ movies etc... And how I had lied to people, him even saying I had been fine in this area, and wanted to come clean and also express how I was OK and not even able to think about sex right now. How I wanted and sorta needed right now to just be little, and try to "Borrow his toes" once n a while. What did I ask, being as I was mid thought, dumb ass with the timing as we were snuggled up feeling quite nice.
"When was the last time you came?"
It was the question in my head. At the time, he answered and asked me same I answered about 6 weeks save for one time in midst of that with him. Immediately a wall went up and he went to leave. I realized right away it seemed as if I was fishing. Yah know like all us girls do at times. Fishing for a compliment, or some kind of favor, bleh, I wasn't. Upon further discussion I realized he also thought me saying I wanted to just be a kitty sometimes he was immediately assigning it to a "Pussy" and something sexual. *SMH* There is a link below if I can find it. I will find some way to make you understand. For some yes it does and can become sexual. Others its a source of comfort and relaxation. A way to let go.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_roleplay
The reasons for playing such a character or animal can vary as much as the actual physical manifestations and intensity of the play. Some people enjoy being able to "cut loose" into a different, or more dynamic personality (e.g., Were-creatures orCatgirls; see other variations). In some cases, pet play is seen as a loving, quiet cuddling time where there is no need for verbalizations and the simple act of stroking, rubbing and holding the other partner is satisfying or reassuring in and of itself for those involved. For others, there may be a spiritual side to it. Some feel closer to their animal totem, while others may identify with something akin to a deeper side or part of their own psyche (see: Therianthropy). For still others, there is the experience of power exchange setup in a context or structure which they can accept. Clearly, again, it depends on the people involved and what they bring to it or take from it.
Knot in my tummy, gonna be a long weekend. Not just in days, I dunno what I am gonna do with myself!
Where are they hey?
Somewhere laughing in the wind
crying in the rain
sleeping in the sun.
Drowning in the shade.
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